This Is The Scam That Doesn’t End

, , , , , , | Working | October 9, 2018

Scam Caller: *recording* “This is the final notice about your credit card. Please press one to be connected to an agent to resolve this issue.”

Me: *presses one*

Scam Caller: “Hello. How are you today?”

Me: “I’m fine. Could you please hold?”

Scam Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you!”

(I cued up a ten-hour YouTube video of Lamb Chop’s “This is the song that doesn’t end,” and took the dogs for a walk. Yes, I keep a hot-link to this video now, for this exact purpose. But I’m a little surprised; usually they hang up after the first few seconds, but this scammer lasted a couple of minutes at least. And the dogs had a nice little walk.)

 

There’s Closing Time, And Then There’s This

, , , , , | Working | September 21, 2018

(I am at a music store at the mall on a Sunday afternoon, looking to buy some new music with a bonus I got a few days ago. I have probably been in there about an hour and a half and have about ten CDs in my hands. Suddenly, Semisonic’s “Closing Time” starts blasting over the store’s speakers, loud enough to make me jump and almost drop all of my music. Looking at my watch, I see it is about thirty seconds after 5:00 pm. I make my way up to the cash register with the stack.)

Sales Associate: *yelling over the music* “Ready to check out?”

Me: *yelling back* “I was!”

(I dumped everything on her counter and walked out. The place closed about six months later, I’m assuming because sales and customers weren’t their first priority.)

No Re Mi!

, , , , , , , | Healthy | September 17, 2018

A few years ago, I was having some issues with irregular periods and had to have my first pelvic exam. It was something I had avoided for a long time, because even the idea of it put me in a panic. My mom suggested I go to her gynecologist, and I agreed, largely because she was a woman and I refused to do it with a male doctor.

So, the day of the appointment finally came and I was a nervous wreck over it, actually nearly throwing up at times. But I went and met with a nurse first, and she put me a tiny bit more at ease.

But not for long. I was taken into the exam room and handed a “gown” to change into. I was told to have it open in the front, but it didn’t even come close to fitting me, so I was practically naked. If I pulled it as tight as I could around me, there were still at least six inches of skin uncovered across my chest, stomach, and lap. Then, the doctor didn’t come in for over half an hour, and at that point I was crying out of anxiety. When she finally came in, she asked if a student shadowing her could sit in, and I’m glad now I said yes.

The doctor began by rather aggressively checking my breasts while she started singing the opening lines to the song Do-Re-Mi from The Sound of Music, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” She explained by telling me she had a two-year-old grandson who could only be calmed down by The Sound of Music when he was worked up, and she thought maybe it would help me, too. I was speechless.

I’m not sure why she thought it was a good idea to compare a grown woman having an anxiety attack to a tantrum-throwing toddler, but I’m still offended. The rest of the exam was relatively uneventful, with the student talking to me and holding my hand through much of it. I’ve promised myself that I will not let this experience scare me away from potentially necessary medical care in the future. But The Sound of Music is completely ruined for me forever.

Summer Lovin’ Should Have Been Spent In Summer School

, , , , , , | Related | August 29, 2018

(I’m in a hotel room with my sister and mother, singing and bantering with my young sister as we’re getting ready. We’re currently attempting the song “Summer Lovin’” from “Grease.” One of my favorite TV shows, “Galavant,” wrote a knock-off of that song, and I — unapologetically — can only remember the parody lyrics.)

Sister: “Sing the original one!”

Me: *badly attempting* “Summer lovin’… da da da da daaa…”

Sister: “Ha! I know more than you do!”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Sister: “I know half of the words, and you only know five quarters of it!”

(My mom and I burst out in laughter.)

Mom: “Math is hard, isn’t it, [Sister]?”

Your Music Taste Towers Above The Rest

, , , , , | Right | August 13, 2018

(I work at a small museum in a tower. Visitors have to hike about a mile to the building, and then if they want to go to the top of the building, it’s another ten staircases up. One hot day, a group of five people walk in. One visitor is playing “Eye of the Tiger” loudly on his phone.)

Musical Visitor: “PHEW! We made it! Now who’s pumped for the top of the tower?”

Visitor #1: “Oh, my God. Can you turn the music off now?”

Musical Visitor: “Nope! Got to get pumped!” *sees me laughing* “See? She likes it!”

Me: “Yeah, I like it. You’ve got a lot of steps to go now, so you could use the excitement.”

Musical Visitor: “Okay, let’s go!”

(He starts jogging up the steps. Another person in his group, a young woman, pauses at my chair, shaking her head.)

Visitor #2: “You can make fun of him when he leaves; we won’t mind.”

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