This Punishment Is More Their Cup Of Tea

, , , , , , | Learning | January 31, 2019

I’m a high school teacher and work in a school that is in a very problematic part of the city. That’s why we have classes until late, to prevent the students from spending too much time alone in their houses or the street.

There is a class I have to give that starts at 5:00 pm, so everyone, including me, is very tired.

One day, three students arrive late. They are supposed to get a note to the parents and a punishment because of this, but I know that they didn’t do it on purpose, so instead, I let them come into the class and ask them to sing and dance the “I’m A Little Teapot” song.

At first, they refuse, saying that they are embarrassed, but I ask if they wanted the normal punishment, so they start to sing and dance.

Since that day, not a single student has arrived late to my class.

Social Justice Warriors Are Kung Fu Fighting

, , , , , , , | Learning | January 29, 2019

My school was holding an overnight charitable event for students and staff. They had various fun activities organized, including karaoke in the auditorium. A group of young boys went up on stage to sing “Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas. At some point, the music cut abruptly, and the boys’ microphones were disabled. Then, a teacher walked up on stage and shooed them away.

The people in the audience were confused. A few of them surmised the performance was interrupted because the boys were singing terribly, but I didn’t quite buy that reasoning. They weren’t the first, and certainly not the last, to sing very poorly; there were people who sang worse than they did, and they were allowed to sing the full song of their choice.

It wasn’t until later that I paid closer attention to the last lyrics that were sung, and I quote,

“There were funky Chinamen from funky Chinatown.”

I suppose this could be construed as vaguely racist. I was the only Asian student at the event, and even I didn’t clue in immediately. But it’s the 21st century, and I guess some classics just don’t stand the test of time.

We’ll Assume He Got Up In The Afternoon

, , , , , , | Related | January 9, 2019

(My husband is singing nursery rhymes to our eighteen-month-old son. He starts singing:)

Husband: “It’s raining, it’s pouring! The old man is snoring. He went to bed and bumped his head… and died.”

Me: *starts laughing*

Husband: “What? It’s implied!”

He’s Always Mighty Proud To Say It

, , , , , , | Right | January 5, 2019

(I’m the troublemaker in this story. I’m seeing my foot and ankle specialist. I’m a diabetic with an advanced form of neuropathy known as Charcot Foot. This doctor has already rebuilt my left foot twice, so I’m visiting him to discuss what we’re going to do with the right foot.)

Me: *as he walks in* “Howdy, [Doctor’s abbreviated first name]!”

Doctor: *offering his hand* “Sir! How are you?”

Me: “We got trouble, my friend… right here in River City.”

Doctor: “Does it start with a capital T, that rhymes with P, that stands for ‘pool’?”

Me: “As a matter of fact, my problems start with S.”

Doctor: “S?”

Me: “Yeah. I got spurs, and they don’t jingle-jangle-jingle.”

Doctor: *glancing at my new x-rays, specifically the talus* “Yeah, I see them… and I doubt they let you ride merrily along.”

A Whole New Twelve Days, Twice!

, , , , , | Right | December 31, 2018

(I am a fast-food worker with a bit of a reputation of being good with words, especially coming up with parody lyrics. I work at a family-owned business, not a chain. My boss asks me to make a parody of a Christmas song as a holiday advertising stunt. I pick “Twelve days of Christmas.” Here are those lyrics:)

“On the twelfth day of Christmas, I ordered at [Restaurant]:
Twelve eggnog milkshakes,
Eleven cappuccinos,
Ten bacon doubles,
Nine strips with tartar,
Eight turtle sundaes,
Seven giant popcorns,
Six quarts of chocolate,
Five onion rings!
Four Snickers storms,
Three large fries,
Two chili dogs,
And an order of nachos with cheese!”

(However, inspired by this, I also come up with a version from an employee’s perspective.)

“On the twelfth day of Christmas, the drive-thru gave to me:
Twelve giant trailers,
Eleven window tappers,
Ten noisy engines,
Nine quiet talkers,
Eight shouting children,
Seven cups of pennies,
Six separate orders,
Five cars in line!
Four cards declined,
Three add-ons,
Two cars out back,
And a customer b****ing at me!”

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