The Grass Might Be Greener If They Had Smarter Friends

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2017

(A friend has been telling us about his trip back to where he was born.)

Friend: “That sounds so sweet. It makes me think of that song, Green, Green Grass of Home.” *starts singing the first verse* “It’s such a lovely song.”

Me: “But that song is about an execution.”

Friend: “Where did you hear that from? No, it’s not; it’s a lovely song. I’ve been singing it for years.”

Me: “Try singing the last verse.”

Friend: *singing* “Then I awake and look around me,

At four grey walls that surround me,

And I realize, yes, I was only dreaming,

For there’s a guard and there’s a sad old padre,

Arm in arm, we’ll walk at daybreak,

Again I touch the green, green grass of home.”

*stops singing*  “What’s wrong with that?”

Me: *internally face-palming* “Four grey walls are a prison cell. A guard and a padre?”

Friend: “That could be anything.”

Me: “Okay, what about the last line?”

Friend: “He’s lying under the old oak tree.”

Me: “They lay him under the grass by the old oak tree.”

Friend: “Holy s***; why didn’t I notice that? I was going to sing this song at the old folks home next week.”

Lola Is Genderfluid

, , , , , | Working | September 15, 2017

(I am in the break room and [Coworker] comes in for something.)

Coworker: “Oh, hey, [My Name], my new neighbor knows you.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? Who is it?”

Coworker: “Uh…” *looking at his phone for the name* “Uh. His naaaame iiiissss…” *dragging out the words while he searches*

Me: *singing* “Lola! He was a showgirl, with colored feathers in his hair.”

Coworker: *joining in* “And a dress cut down to there!”

Other Coworker: *walking in* “You people are weird.”

System Of A Down-Time

, , , , , | Learning | September 15, 2017

I am a teacher at an international school, where the focus is to have students successfully integrate into the Canadian education system and go to a Canadian University. This group of students were the smartest and most well-behaved group I had ever taught. That being said, since they were away from home and on their own for the first time, there was sometimes the problem of them staying up super late, and falling asleep in class as a result. At first, I would gently knock on their desk and they would sit up, but there were a few recurring sleepers. I got an idea of how to deal with them and make it so they wouldn’t fall asleep again.

It was a work period, and I noticed one student asleep at his desk. I grabbed my iPod and my portable speakers and walked over to him. I selected the song “Chop Suey” by System of a Down and waited until it got to a crucial line before blasting at full volume:

“WAKE UP! GRAB A BRUSH AND PUT A LITTLE MAKEUP!”

Cue the student leaping out of their desk and the rest of the students laughing. In hindsight, yes, it might have been a bit mean. However, every class I’ve done that for not only LOVES it, but even the students I use it against find it hilarious and don’t do it again.

There’s A Lot A Motto With This Family

, , , , , | Related | September 12, 2017

(My dad is going over missed vocabulary words with my nine-year-old brother. My sisters and I are sitting nearby, being oh-so-helpful.)

Dad: “What’s a sermon?”

Sister #1: “A really long boring thing Mom makes us listen to on Sundays.”

Brother: *gives definition*

Dad: “Okay, what’s a conspiracy?”

Sister #2: “Aliens built the pyramids.”

Sister #3: “No, it’s Bigfoot was the reason for earthquakes!”

Brother: *gives definition*

Dad: “What’s a motto?”

Me: “Nothing, what’s a motto with you?!”

Brother: *cracks up*

Sisters: *singing* “It means no worries, for the rest of your daaaaaays!”

Dad: “I really should have known better on that one.”

Me: “Hakuna.”

Sisters: “Matata.”

Me: “Hakuna.”

Sisters: “Matata.”

Brother: “Hakuuuu-uuuuuuna Matata.” *pause* “I don’t know what a motto is.”

So You Think You Can Overwork Me And Leave Me To Die?

, , , , | Working | September 11, 2017

(My bosses have developed a really bad habit of keeping me past my shift end without saying anything. Even when I ask over the headset for them to come count my drawer, they say they’re coming, and then I wind up staying another hour or two. I wouldn’t mind if they needed me to stay and asked, but they’re just standing around most of the time.)

Me: *over the headset* “I was supposed to clock out an hour ago. Is anyone coming to get my drawer?”

Manager: “[My Name]? What are you still doing here?”

Me: “Working. Come get my drawer so I can go home.”

Coworker: *also over headset* “You could just clock out and leave. They’d figure out pretty quick that no one was back there taking orders or money.”

Me: “No, because then someone could short my drawer, and I’d get in trouble for it.”

(Eventually, I’m allowed to leave, two hours after my shift ended. Tired of them forgetting about me, I decide to be as annoying as possible if my shift is up, to get out on time for once.)

Me: *singing loudly on headset* “I want to break free. I want to break freeeeeeeeee.”

Manager: “Knock it off! I’ll get there when I get there.”

Me: “BREAK FREE FROM THIS LIFE-“

Manager: “Oh my God.”

Me: “Hey, I was supposed to leave half an hour ago. The longer you keep me for no reason, the more annoying I become. GOD KNOWS. GOD KNOWS I WANT TO BREAK FREEEEEEEEE.”

(Next shift, nearly forty-five minutes after I am supposed to clock out:)

Me: *singing over headset* “Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide—”

Manager: “WILL SOMEONE GO IN THE BACK SO SHE CAN GO HOME?!”

Me: “No escape from reality! Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeeeee…”

Manager #2: *changing my drawer and letting me leave* “How long can you keep that up? He’s thinking he can put up with the singing until you stop.”

Me: “I was a band kid. It will never end. I will break out into musicals if I have to.”

(The next shift I belted “Phantom of the Opera.” From then on I was allowed to leave on time.)

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