Polite Metal

, , , , | Friendly | January 18, 2018

(This takes place at an outdoor heavy metal festival. One of the bands playing is from the partner town of the place where the festival is hosted.)

Singer: *in heavily accented English* “We are [Band], and we come from Poland. We do not speak German, and our English is not good, so our texts are in Polish. I hope you don’t mind that and enjoy our music.”

(The band started to play, and the singer launched into an absolutely unintelligible death metal growl that we wouldn’t have been able to understand in ANY language. My friend and I doubled over laughing.)

Rick-Rolling On The Loudspeaker

, , , , , , | Working | January 17, 2018

(I work at a grocery store. One day, Rick Astley’s infamous song, “Never Gonna Give You Up,” starts playing over the store speakers, and as I listen, my coworker from another department interrupts the music and takes this opportunity to make an announcement over the P.A.)

Coworker: “Attention, customers! Come on back to the meat department, where we’re never gonna give you up. We’re never gonna let you down with sub-par product, so don’t run around to other stores and hurt us. I’m never gonna tell a lie and say we don’t have great deals, so don’t say goodbye. We’re never gonna desert you. Thank you for shopping at [Grocery Store]!”

The Smell Of Cakes And Pies Is Absolutely Everywhere

, , , , , , , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(A local pizza shop is known for their creative specialty pizzas, and normally have ten or so in a display case to be sold by the slice; because the selection is always changing, it’s common for customers to ask what any given pie is. On my walk to the shop today, it started to snow.)

Me: *walks up to the counter, pointing to a pie* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: *pointing to a different pie* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: *pointing out the window at the falling snow* “There’s white things in the air…”

(The employee looks at me strangely. The gears are turning, but the light bulb hasn’t quite come on yet.)

Me: *pointing to a third pizza* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: “There’s pizza everywhere…” *points to one last pie* “What’s this?”

(At this point, the light bulb went on and the employee burst out laughing… realizing that while I’d gotten two of the lines reversed, I did indeed just run him through the first couple stanzas of “What’s This?” from “The Nightmare Before Christmas.”)

Honestly, We Could Go On And On…

, , , , , , | Learning | January 3, 2018

(I’m a research student. My PI has twin five-year-old girls, and I have a side job doing costumes for a children’s theater camp, so we both know every word to every Disney song ever written, for better or worse. One day while we’re waiting for a polymerase reaction to run, we’re singing Moana songs, not loudly, to pass the time. Right around the time we reach “We Know the Way,” we hear from down the hall…)

Random Research Student: “Will you nerds please shut up?! I am so f****** sick of hearing that everywhere!”

Voice: *from the lab next to ours* “You shut up; I’m enjoying it! If you have a problem with it, shut your door, but it’s keeping me entertained while my reaction incubates. I think the phrase you’re looking for is, ‘Thank you!’”

(Without missing a beat, my professor and I launched into, “You’re Welcome.” A second later, we heard the third voice join in, and a door down the hall slam.)

The Ghost Of Kenny Rogers Past

, , , , , , , , | Related | December 29, 2017

(My dad and I love to make references. My mom never gets them, and my brother gets annoyed when he does get them. It’s Christmas and we’ve just finished opening our presents. I’m in the process of taking all of my presents downstairs, and as I’m doing so, the others are talking about gambling, as a joke, since every year we all get lottery tickets in our stockings.)

Brother: “Who gambles in this family?”

Dad: “Oh, you know, your mom, her sister…”

(He’s still talking as we both look over at Mom.)

Brother: “You gamble?”

(She shakes her head no with a smile on her face.)

Dad: “No, she’s too cheap.”

Mom: *laughs* “Didn’t have the money.”

Dad: “Yeah, she knows when to hold ’em, knows when to fold ’em…”

(I smile because I know where he’s going with this.)

Me: “Knows when to walk away? Knows when to run?”

Brother: “Oh, jeez.”

Dad: “She never counts her money when she’s sitting at the table.”

Me: “There’ll be time enough for counting when the dealing’s done!”

(My brother groaned, Dad and I laughed, and my mother just shrugged like she always does when she doesn’t get it.)

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