A Major Senior Moment

, , , , | Learning | December 14, 2018

(When I am in high school, for some reason my grade happens to have the fewest kids in it, and almost nobody transfers in, so our numbers just dwindle further. My senior year we’re at the homecoming pep rally, and they’re going around getting each grade to sing our school’s fight song, which is to the tune of Camptown Lady. I happen to know the exact numbers because I am in the yearbook committee.)

Coach: “FRESHMEN, are you ready!?”

107 Freshmen: “YEAH!” *sing out the song*

Coach: “Okay, okay, that was pretty good. SOPHOMORES, can you beat that?”

121 Sophomores: “YEAH!” *sing out the song even louder*

Coach: “All right, that was great! JUNIORS, are you even better?”

147 Juniors: “YYYYEEEAAAHHH!” *absolutely bellow the song, stomping and clapping, probably setting off earthquake sensors*

Coach: “AWESOME! SEEEENIOOOORRRRS, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT THAT?!”

91 Seniors: “Nooo!”

(It wasn’t rehearsed or anything, nor even the result of “last year apathy,” just cold, hard facts! Thankfully everyone was laughing too hard, and the gung-ho coach didn’t get mad.)

A Long Time Ago, In A Ballet Performance Far Far Away

, , , , , | Romantic | November 24, 2018

(My husband and I are at a performance of Balanchine’s “Stravinsky Violin Concerto,” which is a “mood” piece with no specific plot. I love ballet; my husband is not such a fan. This conversation happens during intermission.)

Husband: *frowning* “I don’t get it. There’s no storyline. I don’t understand what it’s supposed to mean.”

Me: “Think of it like an abstract painting. Or… wait.” *thinking fast* “Remember when Luke and Yoda were on Dagobah, and Luke was going into that forest where Darth Vader was, and he asked Yoda, ‘What’s in there?’ and Yoda said, ‘Only what you take with you.’? It’s kind of like that. It’s what you take with you.”

Husband: “So, the stage is a cave filled with the Dark Side of the Force?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. If it helps.”

Husband: *nodding sagely* “Oh. Okay. I get it now.”

“Helpless” To Resist Adopting This Cat

, , , , , | Romantic | November 16, 2018

(My husband and I have been talking about getting a new cat for a while now. I’m set on getting a rescue, but my husband is set on getting the same breed as our last cat, who was a retired grand champion Scottish Fold. One morning one of our clients comes in with a stray cat she found. She can’t keep him because all her cats hate him, so the doctor agrees that he can wait out the stray hold period with us. Before I even start work that day it is already decided by all of my coworkers that if he doesn’t get claimed I am taking him home. He is a scrawny cat with folded ears, obviously a half-breed with an American Shorthair on the other side. My husband comes by to pick me up for lunch and gets taken back to the kennel room to meet the cat. It is love at first sight, and on the way to lunch we have the following conversation.)

Husband: “So… what’s his name?”

Me: “We haven’t decided yet. The doc was thinking Hamish or Shamish, [Coworker #1] voted for Haggis, and [Coworker #2] said Macbeth. I was thinking maybe Jamie for the Doctor Who character… What do you suggest?”

Husband: “Well… I mean he is handsome, and boy, does he know it.”

Me: “Yeah, he is.”

Husband: “And he has those intelligent eyes and a hunger pang frame.”

Me: “Yes, he does.”

Husband: “And you look into those eyes and you’re helpless, right?”

Me: “Yeah… What are you getting at?”

Husband: “You haven’t figured it out yet?”

Me: “No…”

Husband: “Well, babe, he’s—” *starts singing* “—a b*****d, orphan, son of a w**** and a Scotsman, dropped in a forgotten spot in [Shopping Center].”

Me: *finally catching on* “Oh, dear.”

Husband: “Alexander Hamilcat! His name is Alexander Hamilcat, and there’s a million things he hasn’t done, but just you wait, just you wait…”

(We took Alexander home a month later. He is curled up in my lap as I type this.)

This Is The Scam That Doesn’t End

, , , , , , | Working | October 9, 2018

Scam Caller: *recording* “This is the final notice about your credit card. Please press one to be connected to an agent to resolve this issue.”

Me: *presses one*

Scam Caller: “Hello. How are you today?”

Me: “I’m fine. Could you please hold?”

Scam Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you!”

(I cued up a ten-hour YouTube video of Lamb Chop’s “This is the song that doesn’t end,” and took the dogs for a walk. Yes, I keep a hot-link to this video now, for this exact purpose. But I’m a little surprised; usually they hang up after the first few seconds, but this scammer lasted a couple of minutes at least. And the dogs had a nice little walk.)

 

There’s Closing Time, And Then There’s This

, , , , , | Working | September 21, 2018

(I am at a music store at the mall on a Sunday afternoon, looking to buy some new music with a bonus I got a few days ago. I have probably been in there about an hour and a half and have about ten CDs in my hands. Suddenly, Semisonic’s “Closing Time” starts blasting over the store’s speakers, loud enough to make me jump and almost drop all of my music. Looking at my watch, I see it is about thirty seconds after 5:00 pm. I make my way up to the cash register with the stack.)

Sales Associate: *yelling over the music* “Ready to check out?”

Me: *yelling back* “I was!”

(I dumped everything on her counter and walked out. The place closed about six months later, I’m assuming because sales and customers weren’t their first priority.)

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