Do You Want Songs? Because This Is How You Get Songs

, , , , , , , | Right | July 18, 2018

(A group of three teens — a boy and two girls — come into the store. The girls are singing, much to the boy’s annoyance.)

Girls: *singing* “Hiiighway to the danger zone!”

Boy: “No! Stop it!”

Girls & Me: *singing* “Riiide into the danger zooone!”

Girl #1: “See?! She gets it!”

(The boy makes frustrated noises as they browse the store.)

Me: *stage whisper* “Lana! Lanaaa… Danger zone!”

Girl #2: *pointing at me* “I like this one. This one’s cool.”

Pink Zeppelin

, , , , , , | Right | July 4, 2018

(I am checking out at a store. My nine-month-old daughter is in the cart, and like with most children this age, it can be difficult to tell her gender.)

Clerk: “Oh, what a good… girl?”

Me: “Yes, it can be hard to tell at this age, and she is wearing a boyish tee-shirt.”

Clerk: “Pink Floyd! Oh, I just love Stairway to Heaven!

Me: “… “


It’s An Independent Production

, , , , , , | Related | July 4, 2018

(My sister and I both love the musical “1776,” so when we take a family trip to Philadelphia, we immediately declare we’re going to sing “But Mr. Adams” in Independence Hall. Our mother puts her foot down, saying she doesn’t want to bring bail money. However, when we go to Independence Hall, we see the area where “But Mr. Adams” was set…)

Me: *under my breath* “Mr. Adams, I say you should write it. To your legal mind and brilliance we defer.”

Sister: *under her breath* “Is that so? Well, if I’m the one to do it, they’ll run their quill pens through it. I’m obnoxious and disliked; you know that, sir. But I say you should write it, Franklin. Yes, you. You–”

Me: “But—”

Sister: “You–”

Me: “But–”

Sister: “You–”

Me: “Buuuuut–”

(At this point, we throw caution to the wind, and proceed to belt “But Mr. Adams” at the top of our lungs while reenacting as much choreography as we can. By the time we end, our dad looks bemused, our mother is face-palming, and a tour guide looks impressed.)

Guide: “You know, I think that’s the first time anyone’s known the whole song. Most people just hum a few bars and call it good.”

Building Towards This

, , , , , | Learning | May 28, 2018

(In class we are playing a KAHOOT — online quiz — about childhood TV shows. Everyone is talking about how much they love these shows. Then, this question comes up:)

Question: “Which TV show does this character come from?”

(The picture is Bob the Builder.)

Entire Class: *at the same time, singing* “BOB THE BUILDER! CAN HE FIX IT? BOB THE BUILDER! YES, HE CAN!”

(Then we went back to the quiz like nothing had happened.)

Too Much “Happy”

, , | Working | April 24, 2018

(I’m in a fitting room when I notice something odd about the store music: Pharrell Williams’s “Happy” is playing, but instead of the full song, it’s some weird karaoke version. It’s basically background vocalists repeating, “Because I’m happy,” on a six-second loop. Over the time I’m in the fitting room, I come to realize that the karaoke version has gone on for far longer than the actual song and shows no signs of stopping. Later, I find an employee. The song is still playing, and it’s been about 20 minutes since I first noticed it.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Employee: *turns around with a look of utmost despair*

Me: “So… About the music…”

Employee: “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. We can’t do anything about it. It’s been like this since we opened. No one can figure out why it won’t stop.”

Me: “Oh. I’m sorry. At least the store’s closing soon, right?”

Employee: “That’s the only thing keeping me from running out the door right now.”

(I tried to continue shopping, but the song was just too annoying. I left without buying anything, feeling sorry for the employees who couldn’t do the same. To this day, that song makes me cringe.)

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