Unable To “Hold” In The Laughter

, , , , | Working | April 15, 2018

(I work for a disability law office and often reach out to hospitals and doctor offices about our clients’ medical records. One office has contacted us to say they have never seen one of our clients, and I request a certain letter be returned to place in their file. Two weeks later, I have to contact the office about the letter, which was never sent. The woman I speak to puts me on hold to search for her fax confirmation for the letter. At first, I pay little attention to the hold music, until the man starts singing a horrible rendition of “Lavender’s Blue.” By the time the song gets near the end, he is screeching the chorus, and I’m barely struggling to contain my laughter. The song ends, I think it’s over, until the song starts up again. By the third round, I’m laughing so hard, I’m struggling to stay quiet and not interrupt my coworkers. About midway through the song, the hold music is interrupted.)

Worker: “Okay, we did find the letter, and you’re right; it didn’t send through. We should be able to send it back through within the next ten minutes.”

Me: *still struggling not to laugh* “Thank you so much. I appreciate it.”

Worker: “Are you okay?”

Me: “Have you ever listened to your hold music?”

Worker: “No, but we’ve been asked who chose our hold music. Is it that bad?”

Me: *laughing hard now* “It’s the worst! But it gave me the best laugh, ever. Whoever this guy is, he’s almost squealing when he sings the chorus.”

Worker: *laughing with me* “Now I have to hear!”

(She had a coworker call through on another line via their cell phone, put it on speaker, and put the call on hold. Within a couple of minutes, we were all laughing at the worst hold song ever chosen.)

They Love The Ones They Can’t Admit The Most

, , , , | Related | February 28, 2018

(My four-year-old daughter loves to sing and to improvise lyrics. On this occasion we have been celebrating Mother’s Day and we are driving home from visiting her grandparents. I’m sitting next to her in the car.)

Daughter: “Can I sing a song for you, Mamma?”

Me: “Oh, yes, of course!” *expecting something lovely and cute, about Mother’s Day*

Daughter: *singing while keeping eye contact* “Oh, Mamma, you are so beautifuuuul, but I don’t love youuuuu. I love [Best Friend #1], [Best Friend #2], [Her Cousin], and [Daycare Worker]… aaaaand Papa! Wasn’t that a nice song, Mamma?”

Me: “Yes, it was. Yes. It. Was. I’m a bit sad that you don’t love me, but I liked your song, and you sing it so nicely!”

Daughter: “I’m fond of you, Mamma, but I love Papa the most.”

(I know she loves me, though. She’s just not very pleased with my parenting strategies nowadays.)

A Sound Softly Creeping

, , , , | Friendly | February 13, 2018

(My roommate and I are watching television when he makes a face and plays with his ear.)

Roommate: “Ugh, tinnitus.”

(A few moments go by.)

Roommate: “And there goes the song. I keep getting this song stuck in my head.”

Me: “Which one?”

Roommate: “I don’t know the lyrics.” *hums a bit*

(I recognize it immediately and begin singing, plugging in new lyrics to fit the situation.)

Me: “Hello, tinnitus, my old friend! Now I can hear you once again.”

Roommate: “Haha, yeah! That’s the song! What’s it called?”

Me: “Seriously? It’s The Sound of Silence.”

(Oh, irony. I love both you and this goofy roommate.)

I Never Meant To Cause You Trouble

, , , | Healthy | February 4, 2018

(Due to some weird allergic reactions, I’ve been sent to have a blood test done. As I enter the phlebotomist’s room, Coldplay’s “Yellow” is playing on a small radio.)

Nurse: “Now, how are you with needles?”

Me: “They’re not my favourite thing, but I’m okay with them. Never had any problems before.”

(They get me set up with the needle in my arm, and everything’s okay at first, but after about a minute I start to feel woozy, nauseated, and sweaty, and my hearing fades out. “Yellow” has been replaced with a staticky noise. I try to communicate this to the nurse, but something gets lost on the way to my mouth.)

Me: *flaps hand at nurse* “Chris Martin went grey! Gonna blarf…”

(I vomit in my lap and then faint. When I wake up, I’m wearing a blood pressure cuff and someone’s fetched my mum from the waiting area.)

Nurse: “Wow, I’ve had people freak out before, but you’re the first one who’s fainted! By the way, who’s Chris Martin?”

Me: “Huh?”

Nurse: “You were talking about him, said he went grey or something? It seemed pretty urgent.”

Me: “No idea.”

(Chris Martin is the lead singer of Coldplay, a band which I’m fairly ambivalent about. Apparently, my brain is better at remembering music trivia when starved of oxygen and shutting down!)

Polite Metal

, , , , | Friendly | January 18, 2018

(This takes place at an outdoor heavy metal festival. One of the bands playing is from the partner town of the place where the festival is hosted.)

Singer: *in heavily accented English* “We are [Band], and we come from Poland. We do not speak German, and our English is not good, so our texts are in Polish. I hope you don’t mind that and enjoy our music.”

(The band started to play, and the singer launched into an absolutely unintelligible death metal growl that we wouldn’t have been able to understand in ANY language. My friend and I doubled over laughing.)

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