Me: “Hello, [Music Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you had the sheet music for Hero.”

Me: “Mariah Carey?”

Customer: “No! Bette Midler!”

Me: “Oh! Wind Beneath My Wings! Sure, we’ve got it!”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “The song is called Wind Beneath My Wings. It’s one of the most popular vocal arrangements on the market.”

Customer: “No, it’s that one about her hero.”

Me: “Yeah…” *sings* “Did you ever know that you’re my hero? You’re everything I wish I could be… I can fly higher than an eagle… and you are the WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.”

Customer: “Yes! That’s the one!” *sings* “‘Did you ever know that you’re my HERO!’ Can you hold a copy for me?”

Me: *giving up* “Of course…”

(Later on…)

Coworker 1: “So, who was on the phone?”

Coworker 2: “… and why are they the wind beneath your wings?”

Customer: *singing and dancing* “FIVE! FIVE DOLLAR! FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LONG!”

Me: “For that, I am charging you double.”

(I’m recording a group of 15 year-old rappers.)

Me: “Do you like the way that sounds?”

Rapper: “Yo, can you make me sound like, um… like a maaaaan?”

Me: “Um… I’m not really sure I know what you mean.”

Rapper: “Like, I wanna sound like a big man, ya know?”

Me: “Hrm. Okay, let’s try this…” *I lower the pitch of his vocals a bit* …”like that?”

Rapper: “Yeah! Perfect! Now I sound all strong!”

(I’ve just spent about ten minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

Customer: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

Me: “No…?”

(I was so dumbfounded I didn’t realize how stupid the question actually was until ten minutes later.)

(I greeted a customer in the ‘C’ section of the CD department.)

Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m trying to find a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD.”

Me: “Well, that would be under ‘R’. I’ll show you.”

Customer: “Oh. I was going to check under ‘H’ next.”

Me: “…”