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Always The Same Old Song

, , , , , | Right | March 13, 2014

(I am DJing an office Christmas party. A guy who had made tons of requests, most of which I’d played, approaches my workstation.)

Guy: “Where’s my request?”

Me: “I’ve been playing your requests where they fit.”

Guy: “Well, play [Specific Song] next.”

Me: “I’ll get it in soon, but I don’t think it’ll be next. I’ve got a lot of requests coming in, so I have to play them where they fit.”

Guy: “Don’t worry about anyone else’s requests. I’m the boss. Just play my requests.”

Me: “Oh, good. You’re the boss? Then where’s my cheque?”

Guy: “What?”

Me: “Well, since nobody’s bothered to come over and introduce themselves to me yet, I didn’t know who to come find to collect payment.”

Guy: “So, just play my request whenever you can…”


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Not In A Life Of Ease

, , , , | Related | February 27, 2014

(I am driving in the car with my twelve-year-old daughter when a Beatles song comes on my iPod.)

Daughter: “What is the point of this song? It has no depth to it!”

Me: “It has depth. They’re in a Yellow Submarine!”


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Skip To The Climax

, | Learning | December 5, 2013

(My high school band director knows me pretty well, and knows that I take German as a foreign language. In one class, he hands me some sheet music from a German piece. The German word “Vorspiel” is at the top.)

Band Director: “[My Name], you take German, don’t you? What does ‘Vorspiel’ mean?”

(Before totally thinking it through, I translate it literally and announce to him and my classmates at the top of my voice.)

Me: “It means ‘foreplay!'”

Band Director: “Uh…”

Me: *mortified* “I mean… uh… ‘OVERTURE’! It means ‘overture’!”

Class: *laughs hysterically*

Imagine All The People, Listening In Harmony

, , , , , , | Related | October 14, 2013

(It is before Google and Wikipedia are the go-to answers for everything. For a music class, I am supposed to create a taped recording of my research essay and have bits of the artist’s songs play at intervals. My topic is John Lennon.)

Me: “Dad, which of The Beatles is the lead singer for ‘Let it Be?'”

Dad: “Is this for your Lennon project?”

Me: “Yeah. I like the solo in the middle, but I don’t want to play a Paul song by mistake.”

Dad: “Make sure you include something about how important Lennon’s music was during the war years.”

Me: “I have in the essay. But I need to know—”

Dad: “You know, Lennon’s music had some major influence in how public opinion swayed during the Vietnam War.”

Me: “Yep. But I just—”

Dad: “You should use ‘Imagine.’ That is hands-down one of the most influential songs ever written. No doubt about that.”

Me: “I was planning that during the section on his solo years. But I just want to know who sings—”

Dad: “I actually heard of a cover of ‘Imagine’ on the radio the other day. A cover! No respect for a classic!”

Mom: *trying to talk over my dad* “Didn’t you look up The Beatles catalogue in your research?”

Me: “It only said it’s written by Lennon and McCartney.”

Dad: “‘Give Peace a Chance!’ A message we all still need to heed today!”

Me: “Uh-huh. I’ll settle for give listening a chance.”


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You Can’t Stop The Music

, , | Right | September 4, 2013

(I am 12 years old. A few years ago, my dad died. He was the main breadwinner of the house, so my mom is now supporting the family. As money is tight, I occasionally take my violin out and perform for tips to get a bit more. I have arrangements with a local convenience store, so they allow me to play right out front. I am playing, when a customer from the store storms up to me.)

Customer: “What the f*** do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “Um… I’m busking, sir.”

Customer: “Cut that s*** out! There are people who need that money out there, unlike you!”

Me: “Dude, I do need thi—”

(The customer then grabs my violin, and smashes it repeatedly against the ground, the wood splintering until it’s a pile of demolished wood. I am on the verge of tears, before the employee who works in the store comes outside.)

Employee: “What the f*** do you think you’re doing?”

Customer: “This little s*** is stealing from people who really need money! He should be punished!”

(The employee calls back into the store.)

Employee: “Hey, call the cops!”

(The customer shoves the employee to the ground, and kicks him in the ribs. A small crowd has gathered around us, when a tall man wearing a long black trench coat walks up.)

Tall Man: “Hey, a**-hat! Pick on someone your own size!”

(The two began to fight, throwing some punches around. Unfortunately, the customer who broke my violin knocks the wind out of the tall man. I have had enough, and I snap. I have been sitting, cradling the stem of my violin, but now I stand up.)

Me: “Hey f***-face!”

(The customer turns around, just in time to get a violin neck to the crotch. He collapses, not even making a sound. The cops arrive and arrest him. Later on, he is forced to pay a fine, and damages. I get a brand spanking new violin, and keep on busking. My family’s income is now stable, and everything’s fine, but I still cherish the memory of the tall man who came to my rescue. I never got his name, but thank you.)