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So Superman, Rocky Balboa And ABBA Walk Into A Bar…

, , | Right | March 13, 2008

(I work at a karaoke bar operating the machine and helping drunk guests choose songs. A lady was supposed to sing an ABBA song next, but some guy got a hold of the microphone.)

Me: “Sir, excuse me, that lady is singing now, could you give me the mic?”

Customer: *looking drunk and confused* “Nooo…I’m singing now!”

Me: “Really? Dancing Queen?”

Customer: “Whaaaat? I ordered Eye Of The Tiger!”

Me: “But how? You didn’t tell me anything…and Eye Of The Tiger is not in our list…”

Customer: “I told that guy…”

(The customer points to the corner of the bar, where some man in a Superman costume was sleeping.)

Me: “Umm…he doesn’t work here you know…”

Customer: “Whaaaaat?! Can I still do the song then?”

Me: “I’ve just told you we don’t have it…”

Customer: *pointing to Superman again* “He told me you do!”

Me: “Yeah, we don’t…do you want to try some other song?”

Customer: “I WANT THE EYE OF THE TIGER!”

Me: *scared and desperate* “…How about a free shot instead of a song?”

Customer: *suddenly happy* “Alrighty!”


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Personally, I Like Scarlet Flaming Capsicum Powder

, , | Right | March 11, 2008

(I work at a music store attempting to help customers find music they want and restocking the shelves. It’s almost time for my shift to end, at about 8PM at night when Old Rowdy Guy comes in. He walks straight to me.)

Old Rowdy Guy: “Yes, do you have them whatchamacallit… Crimson Hot Chili Spices?”

Me: “Yes sir, do you mean the Red Hot Chili Peppers?”

Old Rowdy Guy: “No, no, it’s another band. It’s got a song that goes doo dooo dah dee dooo.”

Me: “I don’t recognize the song, sir.”

Old Rowdy Guy: “What? It’s on the radio all the time!”

(He continues the song for a couple more seconds and a bell rings inside my head.)

Me: “Oh, you must mean Ill Crimson?”

Old Rowdy Guy: “NO!”

(Old Rowdy Guy starts storming around looking around the aisles of CD’s. He starts getting angry and frustrated and yells, “I’ve been everywhere!”)

Me: “Calm down sir, do you know any of the lyrics?”

Old Rowdy Guy: “No! I want to speak with your manager!”

(I call the manager over, he’s heard our “conversation.”)

Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Old Rowdy Guy: “He won’t help me find this band!”

Manager: “Do you know any of the lyrics of a song or the band’s name?”

Old Rowdy Guy: “Crimson Hot Chili Spices.”

Manager: “Red Hot Chili Peppers?”

Old Rowdy Guy: “YES THAT’S THE ONE! How does this employee not know them?”

Manager: “He did mention the band, sir.”

Old Rowdy Guy: “No he didn’t! Managers don’t argue with customers!” *customer storms out*

(We laughed about him for a while before closing up.)

Easy Come, Easy Go

, , , | Right | March 6, 2008

A customer walks in.

Me: “Hi, how are you tonight?”

Customer: “Have you prayed today?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Customer: “You better pray or you’ll go to Hell.”

Me: “Wow, okay.”

Customer: “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for you.”

Me: “FOR ME! FOR ME! FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” *awesome air guitaring, a la Queen*

(The customer walked out. This was one of those crazy regulars who come in for whatever and are always talking about Jesus. If anybody else had been in the store, I wouldn’t have done the Queen thing, but it was too much to pass up.)

And This Is Before They Started Trippin’

, , , | Right | January 7, 2008

(Two customers have come in to rent some sound equipment that they need to DJ a party. I’ve given them all the basic equipment they need for the sound system.)

Me: “Is there anything else you need with your rental?”

Customer: “Yeah, we need something to make it sound better… like lights!”

Me: “…”

BA BA BEE DA DUM DUM BAAA!

, , , | Right | November 27, 2007

Customer: “Yeah, my son really likes this one band that has a really popular song out right now.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know the name of their album, their band name, or the name of the song but the tune is like this: ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa.'”

Me: “…”

Customer: *not very happy with me* “Do you have any clue what I’m talking about?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t really look up ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa’ in our computer.”

Customer: “Don’t be a smart a** with me, missy.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, I’m not trying to be a smart a**, I’m just saying there isn’t really any way I can help you unless you have some information I can look up.”

Customer: *yelling* “NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I EVER BEEN TREATED SO DISRESPECTFULLY AT SOME BULLS*** BOOK STORE! EVERY TIME I COME HERE YOU AND YOUR CO-WORKERS ACT AS IF IT’S SUCH A CHORE TO HELP CUSTOMERS!”

Me: *trying really hard not to laugh* “Would you like me to call my manager?”

Customer: “YES!”

(I page my manager. We have several, but I luck out and get the good one)

Rad manager: *irritated because she was busy* “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes, the…”

Rad manager: “No, I wasn’t talking to you.”

Customer: “Well!”

Me: “She wants me to look up a song using only the tune.”

Rad manager: *laughs*

Customer: *again, yelling* “IS IT SO HARD TO ASK FOR A LITTLE HELP OR DO YOU NOT OFFER THAT FOR FREE? ALL I NEED FROM YOU IS THE BAND NAME THAT SINGS THAT ONE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS, ‘BA BA BEE DA DUM DUM BAAA’! IT ISN’T THAT HARD TO FIGURE IT OUT!”

Me: “So go home and figure it out and give us a call.”

Customer: “I will never shop here again! I’m taking my business to [Competitor]!”

Rad manager and Me: “Okay. Bye.”