(In our store we have a policy that you can’t return a certain item. This is regulated by law, but most customers do not believe this, for some reason. I have had some very uncomfortable encounters with customers over this, but this one takes the crown.)

Customer: “I would like to return these.” *she puts up the item that I am not allowed to take as a return, and a couple of other items that I can take*

Me: *friendly and apologetic* “These I cannot take; I am not allowed. I do apologize. But you can return these.”

Customer: “Ah, yes, I have heard that you guys are very difficult and that this store has bad customer service, but I decided to give you a chance. But now I know; I am never coming back here!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. The policy is, however, regulated by law, and I cannot accept a return on these. There is nothing I can do about it.”

(The customer goes on a rant on how stupid this is, how she is never coming back, and how bad the customer service is. I am quite used to these rants, because of the law, so I shut down and am now just nodding and smiling. The customer races around the store to find something to exchange her returnable items for, because she does not want store credit. Meanwhile, I’m doing some tidying, and putting items back on the shelves, while humming a tune to myself. The store is very small and the customer hears my humming.)

Customer: *wild-eyed* “How can you HUM when I am upset?!”

Me: *shocked* “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Even YOU should understand that you can’t hum when a customer is in the store and upset! YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, DON’T YOU?!”

Me: “I’m so sorry; I always hum. I really did not mean to offend you in any way!”

Customer: “I’m going to write a complaint to the store, telling your boss that you treated me VERY badly! This is not the last you are hearing of this! It is so incredibly rude TO HUM WHILE A CUSTOMER IS UPSET!”

Me: “Please calm down. There is nothing I can do. I am not allowed to return the item, by law. I did not mean to offend you by humming. I always hum.”

Customer: “Give me store credit; I can’t find anything here to buy.” *she studies the note with the store credit to get my name* “Oh, so it’s [My Name]? You will hear about this!”

Me: *a little frustrated that she is going to complain about me personally to my boss over something that I could not do anything about by law* “I’m so sorry. I don’t understand why you are so upset by me humming.”

Customer: *as she storms out* “NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”

(Well… I have not heard anything about any complaint, nor have I stopped humming.)

(I am working the desk when an elderly man approaches. He hands me a piece of scratch paper with a website written on it and asks me to go there on my computer. Mind you, he has already had me look up a music festival, and become frustrated when I couldn’t find a map, directions, location, and contact information within the first thirty seconds.)

Me: “Okay, this website sells gifts for musicians. Was that what you wanted?”

Patron: “Yeah, yeah. Give me whatever you’ve got on there.”

Me: “Okay… Well, it’s a very large website. What did you want from it?”

Patron: “I want trumpets. They got any trumpet stuff on there?”

Me: *types “trumpet” into search bar* “Yes, they have trumpets.”

Patron: “Okay, great! Just print off whatever you’ve got.”

Me: “Sir, there are nine pages of trumpet-related merchandise here.”

Patron: “Well, then give me the nine pages!”

Me: “I’m not allowed to print off that much—”

Patron: “Then print off whatever you can and give it to me!”

Me: “Sir, this is an online store. If you want to buy from them, you’ll need to get on a computer and browse their inventory yourself.”

Patron: “I don’t know how to use a computer. Just give me whatever they’ve got.”

Me: “Our library offers free computer classes. I could register you.”

Patron: “I don’t have that kind of time! Just get me the nine pages!”

Me: “Sir, even if I did that, you wouldn’t be able to purchase any of the items. You would have to go online and purchase them from the store.”

Patron: “Well, if you can’t do it, just say so!”

Me: “I can’t do it, sir.”

(He left in a huff.)

(I’m browsing through a well-known bookstore that also has a music section. As I’m walking down one of the center aisles, I pass by a display advertising a special line of reprinted vinyl albums the store is bringing in for an event. There are three guys, all around fifteen or sixteen years old, standing in front of the display. I’m in my late twenties, but I’ve always appreciated classic rock, Motown, etc. As I walk by them, I hear this gem:)

Teenager #1: “This is cool!”

Teenager #2: “Yeah, I didn’t know AC/DC made vinyl!”

(Cue me stopping mid-step and swiveling my head around like a deranged owl. I’m trying to decide if I should say something or save myself the headache and keep walking.)

Teenager #3: “I guess they can put anything on vinyl these days.”

Me: *under my breath as I keep walking* “Nope, not worth it.”

(Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who heard them. I saw an employee on the other side of the aisle looking like he wanted to bang his head against the wall. Ah, youth.)

I’ve been told my step-great-grandmother was always… an interesting woman. Since I was young, I didn’t know her extremely well, other than that she decorated every room of her house with a theme — bunnies, cats, red-white-and-blue, old-timey western store, etc. — and that she was insanely proud of her atrocious crabcakes that would make any Marylander weep.

When she died when I was in middle school, I had no idea what was waiting. My family packed up and drove three hours south for her funeral service, not knowing what she had planned. I was raised religious, but she wasn’t the same religion, so it was the first funeral I’d ever been to that would deviate from what I had learned as the usual.

Apparently her plans started with a bluegrass gospel band playing for about an hour, followed by stories from loved ones we never knew well. Hearing about anyone at a funeral is usually tear-jerking for me, even if I never really knew them, so I wasn’t handling the service great and just wanted to leave. Eventually it was wrapped up by an old friend of hers. He was a blind, one-armed man who played the harmonica and sang Battle Hymn of the Republic. I know it’s a bit insensitive and I’m not really proud of it today, but the blind man singing, “I have seen the glory,” was more than I could take and I snickered a bit. This set off my cousins just flat-out laughing, which earned them some less-than-enthused looks while they tried to disguise it as crying.

When I talked to other family members afterward, they found it odd, too, but pretty much all of them said, “Well… that’s Mary for you.” Everyone agreed that the entire thing, including the kids laughing, was exactly what she would have wanted.

(I work the front desk at a hotel. One guest wants to leave early, but is not happy that she will be responsible for the rest of her stay. She has been making random complaints all night, no doubt to try and get a refund for her “awful” stay. This is my favorite complaint from her.)

Me: “Front desk.”

Guest: “The music at the outdoor bar is too loud. No one’s out there anyway, so tell them to turn it off.”

Me: “I will certainly ask them to turn it down for you.

Guest: *getting angry* “You mean to say you can’t TELL them? You have to ASK?”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have the authority to TELL anyone to do anything. Besides, we are not affiliated with that bar. The best I can do is ask them to turn their music down a bit.”

Guest: *laughs at me condescendingly, and spits a few insults before hanging up*

(The best part? The bar wasn’t playing any music.)