Relate It Like A Statue

, , , | Working | September 30, 2017

(On returning to the gallery, after relieving my colleague for her lunch break:)

Colleague: “I nearly had a heart attack in the gallery earlier!”

Me: “Oh? What happened?”

Colleague: “A family with a little girl came in and the girl ran across the gallery to the statue over there.”

([Colleague] walks over to a small statue on a podium.)

Colleague: “And she grabbed the statue, and started shaking it like this!” *[Colleague] grabs the statue and proceeds to shake it, violently*


Colleague: *seemingly oblivious* “I couldn’t believe it; I was worried it was going to break off.”

Schooling Them On Your Schooling

, , , , | Friendly | August 14, 2017

(I am a 20-year-old female. I am 4’11” and 100 pounds… the same exact height and weight I was when I was 12. I’m also an actor, and since I’m young-looking I book roles frequently for teenagers and preteens. I have booked a role for a show that takes place at a high school. They need me on a day they are filming at a museum because they are shooting a field trip scene. I drive to the museum, park in the section that they bought for the day for the production, and walk into the main square. Apparently several middle schools are having actual field trips so there are tons of students and chaperones. I see no sign of a TV crew. I walk up to the first woman I see.)

Me: “Hey, do you know where the production for [Show] is?”

Woman: *looks very confused* “What? What school are you from?”

(I realized that I am being mistaken for a teenager and not an adult. I smile.)

Me: “Oh. Haha, no, I’m not here with a school. I booked a role for a show and they’re filming here today. I just don’t know where they are.”

Woman: *scowls, clearly not believing me* “Look, I’m not here to play games. Go get back in line with your group. Who is your chaperone?”

(I sigh and start to walk away because I don’t deal well with people who don’t listen.)

Woman: “Hey, don’t just walk away! Go to your line!”

Me: “I am 20 f****** years old, and I’m here today to play a student for a major show for Hulu. Sorry you don’t listen to other adults when they talk to you. I’m not a god-d*** minor, so piss off.”

(Instant regret flashed over her face as she tried to come up with a response. Later that day she saw us filming on the other side of a large room and we made eye contact. It was awkward.)

A Cents-Ible Assumption

, , , , | Right | August 12, 2017

(After touring a famous museum in Greece my friends and I decide to order something from the museum café. The woman in front of us is purchasing one water bottle.)

Employee: “That will be 50c.”

Woman: “Let me find you a quarter.”

Employee: “Ma’am, a fifty cent coin will do.”

Woman: “I don’t have any quarters.”

(She spills all of her coins onto the counter. She has a few fifty cent coins.)

Me: “Madam, this will do.”

(Points out a fifty cent coin.)

Woman: “So I need fifty of these?”

Me: “No, you pay with that.”

(The woman then picks up a one euro coin.)

Woman: “Can I buy a bottle with this.”

Employee: “You can buy two water bottles with that.”

Woman: “Oh, okay.”

(She hands him the one euro coin and he goes to the fridge to get her water.)

Woman: *to me* “A one dollar coin. Who thought of that?”

Me: “Most countries have one dollar coins.”

Woman: “Oh.”

(She took her water and left.)

This Museum Is A Snore

, , , , | Related | August 11, 2017

(I am really sick when we go on a family vacation to Paris but I want to push it down and go to the Louvre. After walking all over the Louvre for the day I am exhausted but finally we make it to a sign advertising the Mona Lisa down the mile-long hallway. This happens when we got out of the gallery.)

Dad & Sister #1: “We just looked at the other paintings; they were beautiful!”

Mom & Sister #2: “We only got to see the Mona Lisa for a second before another couple shoved us out of the way, but we still got pictures!”

All of Them: “What did you do, [My Name]?”

Me: *blinking blearily* “Well, first I sat on the bench at the front of the gallery and then, I’m pretty sure I fell asleep for half an hour.”

You Will Need To Sit Down For This One

, , , , , | Friendly | August 10, 2017

(I’m on spring break with my family in Chicago, visiting my favorite museum. We decide to eat lunch at nice cafeteria-style restaurant inside the museum. My dad grabs food for both himself and my mom so my mom can find us a table in the banquet-style seating, which is moderately busy. She places shopping bags and purses in 4 seats and puts out silverware and napkins for each of us. I’m the first one back at the table and I see an older gentleman starting to sit down at one of the places my mom laid out.)

Me: “Oh, excuse me, sir. I’m sorry, but my family and I are sitting here.”

Older Man: “No one is sitting here so I’m going to sit here.”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, but we had already planned to sit here and that’s why there are napkins and silverware out in these spots.”

Older Man: “I need to sit here.”

(We are at the middle of a banquet style table that has at least eight other seats open on either end.)

Me: “Sir, there are seats just down there that you can sit at. As you can see, my family is already sitting here.”

Older Man: “I need six seats! I have to sit here! You don’t get to tell me I can’t sit here when I sat down first. No one was sitting here when I sat down.”

(At this point he is alone, there is no one with him.)

Me: “Sir, there are six open seats right down there at the end of the table.”

(He moves over one seat, which is still one of the ones we were sitting at. At this point, a lot of people are looking at us because he is quite loud and me and my family are standing there, waiting.)

Me: “No, you need to move down at least one more.” *I’m losing my patience at this point* “Those are still our seats.”

Older Man: “You told me to move so I moved, god-d****t! I moved!”

Me: “We need these four seats here.” *motioning* “There are four of us.” *pointing to me and my family*

Older Man: “You said I could sit here!”

Me: “No, I said you could move down to those empty seats that no one is currently sitting in.”

(He grumbles insults at me for another minute while he finally moves. My family and I sit down and start to eat. I watch the people he was with finally show up and they make him get up and move to the other side of the table where they were already sitting. After a few minutes of him making a scene with them as well, they end up picking up and leaving him there alone. Then, a few minutes later, one of the museum associates approaches our table.)

Associate: *to my dad* “Excuse me, sir, could I see your receipt?”

(My dad hands it over and the associate walks away. We’re left wondering what’s going on, thinking we were maybe mis-charged for the wine my parents purchased at the bar or something. We were long past worrying about the old guy and his family at this point. The associate comes back after a few minutes and hands my dad his receipt back plus another receipt.)

Associate: “Here you are, sir. Have a good day.”

(He walked away before we had a chance to say anything. My dad looked at the new receipt and said he was refunded for the glasses of wine my parents bought, as well as for one of our meals. We tried to ask the associate why he did it, but he wouldn’t give us a full answer, other than thanking us for visiting, and we were left to assume that he had witnessed the exchange between me and the old man and it was a way for the museum to apologize for the difficulty. Still my favorite museum!)

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