(I volunteer at a children’s museum in Florida that has an airboat simulator. The ride has about an eight-minute wait, so I like to talk to the kids in line about the Everglades to make it feel shorter.)

Me: “Okay, can anyone name an animal that lives in the Everglades?”

Kids: “Alligator!”

Me: “Besides alligators.”

Kids: “Uh… birds! Snakes!”

Me: “Could you be more specific?”

(Right behind them is a wall with pictures and names of over a dozen Everglades animals.)

Little Girl: “Hippopotamus!”

(I work at the admissions desk of a museum, selling entry tickets. It is an extremely busy day as it is a public holiday and the weather is nice. Even with every till open and as many staff as possible trying to get people through the doors, the waiting time for the visitors is still around an hour and a half. A small family approaches my desk to pay for their tickets.)

Me: “Hello, I’m sorry about the wait today.”

Customer: “I want to use this two-for-one voucher.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, but unfortunately we can’t accept two-for-one vouchers on bank holidays.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “We’re unable to accept that voucher today, I’m afraid.”

Customer: “You mean to tell me that we’ve stood in this queue for two hours, and now you’re going to tell me that I can’t even use my voucher?!”

Me: “I’m very sorry about the wait; we’re extremely busy today. But it does state clearly at the bottom of the voucher that it cannot be used on bank holidays.”

Customer: “Are you stupid?! Do you honestly think that I would have stood in this queue for hours and hours and not even bothered to read this? It doesn’t say anywhere on this voucher that it can’t be used today, nowhere!”

Me: “It does say at the bottom—“

Customer: “No, it does not! I think your attitude is appalling. You’re just trying to con me out of a deal! I think you’re just trying to scam people and pocket the difference! To prove it to you, I am going to stand here and read the contents of this voucher out loud, so you’ll hear it doesn’t state that anywhere, and then I want to speak to your manager about your attitude!”

(I resisted the urge to point out that I do not work on commission and am certainly not a thief, and patiently stood there as she loudly read the entire contents of the voucher to me. At this point, she’d raised her voice enough to attract the attention of other customers in the queue. She read the spiel about how the voucher couldn’t be used with any other offer and so on, all neatly laid out in bullet points, in a large enough font… until she reached the BOLDED bullet point about the voucher not being accepted on bank holidays and abruptly stopped talking. She refused to even look at me as she handed her purse to her husband and walked away, leaving him and their very embarrassed-looking children to purchase their tickets.)

(Not all regulars are good customers. We have one who comes in twice a week and seems to pick someone each day to try to aggravate. Yesterday was the coworker involved in this story. I’m the receptionist, and today it is my turn! I am thirty.)

Me: “Bora da; good morning.”

Customer: “You’ve got something on your nose.”

Me: *wiping my nose* “Oh, it’s probably pen; I get it everywhere.”

Customer: “It’s purple and sticking out!”

(Realising she is talking about my nose piercing, I know exactly what is coming.)

Me: “Haha, that just my piercing…”

Customer: “Ugh. I don’t know why you have something like that in your face.”

Me: “I have a couple of piercings. This one is actually my favourite.”

Customer: *making faces* ”Ooh, I think they are disgusting. I don’t understand permanently ruining your face.”

Me: “Actually, piercings heal over if—“

Customer: “Young girls like you don’t need it. It’s ugly. I’ll never understand. Never understand.”

Me: “It’s all personal choice. I like them so have them. You don’t like them, so don’t—“

(At this point my co-worker had come to the front desk to listen to what’s being said. The customer interrupts and starts gesturing at her)

Customer: *to [Coworker]* “You’ll understand. It’s a generational thing. Piercings and tattoos are disgusting!”

Coworker: “My daughter just got her nose pierced, I think she looks beautiful.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you would allow that. Ugh, it’s horrible.”

Coworker: “I have tattoos and piercings, too.”

Customer: “WHAT! You?!”

Coworker: “Oh, yeah! From the neck down! I even have one on my foot.”

Customer: *again making disgusted expressions* “What is it?”

Coworker: “That one is very meaningful actually. My daughter died when she was young and it’s in her memory.”

Customer: “Ugh! You don’t need that. You carry her memory in your heart.”

Me & Coworker: *together* “And on her foot!”

(At this point [Customer] decided it was a losing the battle and left. Oh, well. See you next week, lovely, lovely regular!)

Related:
Piercing Observation, Part 3
Piercing Observation, Part 4
Piercing Observation, Part 5

(I used to work at a historic museum giving tours of the dungeon. I left to pursue a full-time job in my home state, but a few months ago I returned to the city to visit friends and had this conversation with a former coworker. It should also be noted that I tend to have very low self-esteem and have terrible luck in the dating department.)

Coworker: “Oh, by the way, we were going through the comment cards on the dungeon tours, and apparently, a lot of people liked you!”

Me: “Oh, good! I really enjoyed giving the tours.”

Coworker: “Yeah, apparently, you got a bunch of phone numbers, too.”

Me: “Wait. What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I guess a lot of people thought you were cute and wanted to give you their number.”

Me: “Did you save the comment cards?”

Coworker: “No, [Boss] threw them away.”

Me: “[Coworker]! This could have been my only chance at true love! My soulmate could have been in those cards, and you threw them away!“

Coworker: “Hey, don’t blame me! It was [Boss]!”

(The boss’s wife, who lives above the museum, comes in with their toddler.)

Boss’s Wife: “Hey, [My Name]! Long time no see!”

Me: “YOUR HUSBAND IS STANDING IN THE WAY OF TRUE LOOOOOVE!”

Boss’s Wife: “We missed you, too.”

(I work in a museum in the UK.)

Caller: “Hello. I’m conducting some family history research and I need information about [Person] buried in [Village].”

Me: “Unfortunately, our archivist is out of the office at the moment.”

Caller: “Well, that’s typical! These people get paid so much that they’re always on holiday!”

Me: “She’s actually meeting with a local history group, but she’ll be back shortly, so I’ll take a few details and ask her to call you when she returns.”

Caller: “Why can’t you get me the information? All you do all day is sit in an office answering the phone. You should get out more.”

Me: “The archivist is really the best person for this enquiry. I’ll just take some details.”

(The caller goes on for a bit about the information he wants, and I take notes. Then, suddenly, this happens:)

Caller: “I used to be an engineer, you know. I travelled the world. You people have no ambition or life experience. You think the world is the Internet. That’s all you know.”

Me: *ignoring his outburst* “So, I’ll pass on the information you’ve given me to our archivist.”

Caller: “You people don’t know what the real world is. You just sit in front of the Internet while our NHS gets exploited by foreigners. You need to do something with your life. I bet you’ve never even been abroad. Get some experience. Then you’ll realise why intelligent people like me voted for Brexit!”

(Despite having British parents and an “English” accent, I grew up “abroad.” However, given his views on “foreigners,” I decide not to mention this.)

Caller: “Nowhere else has a nationalised health service. You didn’t know that! We’re the only country that does. Everywhere else they have to have insurance and pay a fortune. That’s why they all want to come here.”

Me: *forcing myself not to correct him* “I think I’ve got everything I need to process your enquiry, so unless there’s any more family history information you’d like, you can leave this with me.”

Caller: “My family is related to [Famous Company]. You wouldn’t have heard of them, because if it’s not on the Internet, you don’t know about it.”

Me: “Right…”

Caller: “You should really educate yourself more. Do something with your life.”

Me: “Okay, well, right now, I’m going to take your enquiry to our archives department. Good day.”

(I hang up the phone, rest my head on the desk, and scream. The archivist pops her head round the door.)

Archivist: “I’m back! Oh, my… What happened while I was out?”

Me: “This guy would like you to call him back. Have fun!”