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You Will Be Ejected From The Building

| Wales, UK | Family & Kids, Tourists/Travel

(I work in an aviation museum, and like to have a little banter with visitors as they buy tickets.)

Me: “Thank you. Please mind your heads on low wingtips; there’s a few sharp edges here and there. Some of the aircraft, you can sit in the cockpits, but please keep your eye on the youngsters and don’t let them press the ejection seat button.”

Parent: “Ha ha, the insurance goes through the roof.”

Me: “No, sir, the kid goes through the roof.”

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I-Maximum Idiocy

| GA, USA | Movies & TV, Popular

(I have worked for years at a gift shop in a natural history museum which has an IMAX giant screen theater. As such, we always carry as many of the titles we screen on DVD as possible. This was a common occurrence:)

Customer: “Hey, yeah, I was looking for [IMAX film] on DVD.”

Me: “Absolutely. Right over here.”

Customer: “So… is… is this as big as the IMAX screen in there?”

Me: “Haha… only if your television is five stories high!”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “You know, if your television is as big as the theater?”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “No… No, it’s not.”

(I still cannot figure out how they thought a DVD would warp space and physics and expand their 27 inch Zenith into a five story IMAX screen. Sadly, this conversation happened WAY more than once, so I just quit making the joke. I know it wasn’t THAT funny… but, geez.)

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Only Drinking In Knowledge

| Wales, UK | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(It’s about 11 am and a very hot day. There are only a couple of customers having cold drinks in our cafe opposite my desk. A customer comes in and spends 10 minutes under the cold air fan above the door before making his way to my reception desk.)

Me: “Good morning.”

Customer: “One beer, please.”

Me: “Oh, sorry, we don’t serve alcohol, but the cafe has cold drinks.”

(He looks blankly at me, then at the cafe on the other side of the room.)

Customer: “I’ll just have whatever you got on tap, love.”

Me: “This is the reception desk for the building. We don’t serve alcohol. But there is a pub just three doors down.”

Customer: “Oh… what is this place, then? You’ve got people eating.”

Me: “We are a museum.”

Customer: “Really… Well, you should sell beer.”

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Screened For Bad Language

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Language & Words, Popular, Technology

(I’m the bad guy here. This happens in a science museum in Edinburgh that’s quite interactive and popular for young children, which I visit with my fiancée. We approach a large screen with an animated palaeontologist character standing idly. I look up and see a small sensor above the screen, and a marked floor area, and realise it’s an interactive display. It’s the middle of the week and we are the only ones in the exhibit.)

Display: “Hi there, are you having fun today?”

Me: “F*** off, witch.”

(I turn to walk on.)

Display: “Well, that was unexpected.”

(We stop and look back.)

Me: “What?”

Display: “I’ve never had anyone swear at me before!”

(Actually panicking now.)

Me: “Wait, you’re REAL?”

Display: “Yep, and quite surprised!”

(Turned out there was a staff member assigned to the screen and the sensor was a camera. She was quite forgiving and informative, but it was quite funny watching as people behind us ignored the screen and she started throwing sarcastic comments out to try and get their attention!)

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Barking Mad

| VA, USA | Bizarre

(I work in the back offices of a museum. While this area is technically not off limits to the public, I seldom see anyone other than coworkers because this section of the building only contains offices and classrooms. A jingling sound comes from hallway, followed by “yip! yip!”)

Me: *to myself* “What on earth was that?”

(An elderly woman carrying a small dog on a leash suddenly peers into my office.)

Woman: “Where can I mail this?”

Me: *staring at shock at the dog inside a museum* “I’m sorry, what?”

Woman: “This. Where can I mail this?” *waves a stamped envelope at me*

Me: “Um, at a post office?”

Woman: “Where’s that?”

Me: *still eyeing the dog* “Outside somewhere? This is an art museum.”

(With a “Humph!” the woman put the dog down and walked indignantly away. I still have no idea how she got that dog in there or why she thought she could mail a letter!)

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