(We sell DVDs as well as books. A customer has taken interest in the complete “Spaced” DVD box. As it is one of my favorite shows, I offer to help.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you? That’s an excellent show, by the way.”

Customer: “Yeah? What is it about?”

Me: “It’s a British rom-com with some geeky humor. The cast and the crew describe it as a labor of love, since they had such a small budget. You can really tell they enjoyed making it.”

Customer: “I don’t want it if it’s made with love!”

(The customer puts the box away with a look of disgust and leaves in a huff.)

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(I have just entered a customer’s order coming to $15.50. He hands me a twenty.)

Customer: “Oh, could I get another small popcorn too?”

Me: “Of course, sir.”

(I get the popcorn and add it to the order. It now totals $19.95. I give him 5 cents back. The customer walks away and I finish a few more orders. He comes back angry.)

Customer: “You shortchanged me!”

Me: “Are you sure, sir?”

Customer: “Of course I’m sure, you idiot! You only gave me back a nickel. You took four bucks from me! Give it to me now!”

Me: “I can’t just give you money from the till. In fact, I remember your order. It was $19.95 and you gave me a twenty.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! It was fifteen something!”

(My manager overhears.)

Manager: “What’s going on here?”

Customer: “This b*** short changed me four bucks!”

Me: “Sir, you saw the total at $15.50. Then, you asked for a small popcorn. Do you remember that?”

Customer: “Count the cash in the drawer! No, wait. She probably pocketed it! Empty your pockets now!”

(I show him there is nothing in my pockets.)

Customer: “She probably put it in her bra! Take off your clothes! Now!”

Manager: “She’s not taking off any clothes.”

Customer: “Fine! Then just let me put my hand in her bra and get my money out!”

(It is 1995, and I am working in a video rental store.)

Customer: “What do you have in that’s good?”

Me: “Well, we just got Apollo 13 in. It’s the true story of the Apollo mission.”

(The customer looks perplexed.)

Me: “You know. ‘Houston, we have a problem.’”

Customer: “Does it have any aliens in it?”

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(A guest hands me a ticket for a movie that doesn’t start for another hour.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. We’re not ready to let people in for this show yet.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “There are still people in the auditorium watching the last showing of this movie.”

Customer: *stare* “I don’t get it.”

Me: “We need to wait for the people to leave. Then, we will clean the theater, and then you can go in.”

Customer: “You mean I’ll be sitting in a seat someone just sat in?!”

Me: “Most likely, yes.”

Customer: “That’s unsanitary!”

Me: “That’s how movie theaters work, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, if my seat is warm, I want a refund!”

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(A customer hands me a ticket to a movie that we are not ready to let people into yet.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. The auditorium for [Movie] is just being cleaned right now.”

Customer #1: “Oh, okay. No problem.”

Customer #2: *comes running up to me* “What did you say about [Movie]? What’s wrong?”

Me: “Nothing is wrong. We’re just cleaning the seats and aisles before we let people in.”

Customer #2: “Oh, thank goodness! I thought you said it was being ‘cleansed.’ I don’t want a movie theater that believes in that new-age, spiritual, witchcraft stuff!”

Me: “Oh. Nothing like that happens here.”

Customer #2: “Good!”

(The movie she was waiting to see? ‘Season Of The Witch.’)