(A customer approaches the counter with a very thick accent.)

Customer: “Do you have the herpes?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Do you have the herpes? For the kids?”

Me: “I… uh…”

Customer: “You know? The herpes? Beep beep? Lindsay Lohan?”

Me: “Oh! Yes! We have Herbie Fully Loaded with Lindsay Lohan. It’s rented out. Can I call you when it’s returned?”

Customer: “You call me when you have the Herpes, yes!”

(The movie is eventually returned. I call the customer to let him know. His wife answers.)

Me: “Hi, this is the movie you reserved was just returned.”

Caller: “Oh! The Herpes! I send my husband. The kids so happy!”

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Customer: “I think I was just in the wrong theater.”

Me: “The King’s Speech? No, that was the right one.”

Customer: “It’s just been all these British people talking.”

Me: “Yes. The King’s Speech.”

Customer: “But, isn’t it about Martin Luther King Jr.?”

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Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Customer: “The problem is you sent me a blind person’s television!”

Me: “Pardon me, sir?”

Customer: “You heard me! A television you sell to blind people!”

Me: “I am sorry, nothing like that exists. Are you sure the TV is not just faulty?”

Customer: “I don’t care what’s wrong with it! All I know is I am not blind!”

(A customer has just finished checking out two adult movies.)

Coworker: “Have a good evening, sir!”

Customer: *whirls back after taking a few steps* “Oh crap!”

(He rushes back to the counter before the next customer can come up.)

Coworker: “Did you forget something, sir?”

Customer: *trying to speak quietly* “I shouldn’t have used my card! Can you reverse it? I have cash! I can pay with cash!”

(I notice the situation. I come over to help.)

Me: “Sir, if it’s a problem I’d be happy to refund the chargeback to your card.”

Customer: “My wife is going to see it online! She’s going to kill me!”

(He seems to be starting to panic.)

Customer: “Yeah, you have to reverse it!”

Me: “I see. Well, unfortunately, even if I do that the charge and the refund will both still appear on your bank statement, but–”

Customer: *interrupting* “No good! I have to get to the bank right now! I have to stop them!”

(He rushes out the door. He forgets the movies and has to run back in for them.)

Me: “Sir, it’s alright, the–”

Customer: “I have to stop the bank!”

(He almost trips up running out again. He didn’t give me time to explain that his bank statement will only show our store name; not the titles he rented.)

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(We sell DVDs as well as books. A customer has taken interest in the complete “Spaced” DVD box. As it is one of my favorite shows, I offer to help.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you? That’s an excellent show, by the way.”

Customer: “Yeah? What is it about?”

Me: “It’s a British rom-com with some geeky humor. The cast and the crew describe it as a labor of love, since they had such a small budget. You can really tell they enjoyed making it.”

Customer: “I don’t want it if it’s made with love!”

(The customer puts the box away with a look of disgust and leaves in a huff.)

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