Many years ago, I worked as a boarding house assistant and assistant teacher in a boarding school in Australia. During the holidays, I would stay at the school. I was the only one there, and it was slightly creepy wandering the empty rooms and corridors of the boarding house. There was a TV room, which was a large empty room with large windows, a TV in a cabinet in the middle of the room, and a sofa in front of it. I would get VHS tapes from the local library so I could watch movies on those long lonely nights.

One night, I rented “Sleepy Hollow”. I was sitting in the middle of this dark and empty room, while a storm was raging outside. Rain pounded against the windows, and I really regretted not pushing the sofa up against the wall so there would be one less direction the monsters could come from.

Suddenly, during the scene when the Hessian emerges from the tree, I heard a loud bang. The door had opened, and in the doorway I saw a tall figure in a long, black, shiny coat holding something in their hand, backlit by the light in the corridor.

I shrieked, jumped, and fell off the sofa. I lay there awaiting a gruesome death. Then, the light was switched on and the caretaker (wearing a rain slicker and holding a torch) asked:

Caretaker: “Who are you and what are you doing here?”

It turned out that nobody had told him that someone was staying over the holidays. Since then, I have only ever watched horror films with all the lights on. And the sofa against the wall.

A woman runs into the store with a copy of a book.

Customer: “Help! I’m doing this book for my book club tomorrow!”

Me: “Well, then it’s a good thing you have your copy with you.”

Customer: “But I haven’t read it! Help!”

Me: “Oh! Well, do you need a brief synopsis of the plot?”

Customer: “Is there, like, a movie of this?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid not. The book only just came out, and—”

Customer: “Yes, but isn’t the book based on the movie?”

Me: “Usually, the movies are based on books. It sometimes happens the other way around, but rarely.”

Customer: “No! That’s not true! I read all the Harry Potter books, and they were based on the movies!”

Me: “Actually, the movies came after the books.”

Customer: “I read the books after the movies, so that means the books came after the movies!”

Me: “Actually, the first book was written in 1997, and the movie came out in 2001.”

Customer: “That’s not how I remember it.”

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A patron comes up to the reference desk holding a copy of “Romeo & Juliet”. It’s a school version with sections that help any student studying the text for school.

Patron: “This book is disgusting! It’s got underaged sex and murder in it!”

Me: “Well, yes, the book isn’t best for the very young, but when studied in school and taken in the historical context, it’s—”

Patron: “Do you have, like, the Disney version or something?”

Me: “The… what version?”

Patron: “The Disney version. Like, do they sing and have the animals and stuff?”

Me: “Uh, no, as far as I’m aware there isn’t a Disney movie based on Romeo & Juliet.”

Patron: “Well, this is not going to be going anywhere near my child! I’ll just have to tell the school. You’d think they would have more appropriate material for high school seniors!”

So, she thinks a Disney musical is appropriate for someone either eighteen or just about to be, but not the cautionary tale of running off with someone you just met and getting married?

I get really anxious about seeing my dentist — doubly so when it’s a new dentist in a new city after a move.

I go to the appointment about forty-five minutes early and sit in the lobby. “Avatar” is playing on the TV. It’s already about half done, but it’s visually and audibly stunning on the TV and sound system installed in the office. There’s just me and another dude sitting on the waiting couch in the lobby. I sit on the waiting couch next to the dude, and we watch the last half of the movie together. No one interrupts.

By the time it’s over, I’m about forty-five minutes late for my appointment. I zoned out watching the movie.

The guy looks at the clock and then looks at me.

Guy: “Oh, s***, I was supposed to be working on your teeth! I lost track of time… Um, you are [My Name], right?”

I affirmed that it was me. We rescheduled my appointment successfully, and I got a post-insurance discount for my trouble.

I’m twenty years old. My office is very laid back, and even more so during the holidays. A famously dim coworker can’t remember the name of a famous Christmas story and is calling out across the office.

Coworker #1: “What’s the name of the one with… Bob Marley?”

Silence. Confusion? Probably muffled snickers.

I figure it out and kneel up on my desk to look her in the eye over the cubicle wall.

Me: “JACOB. Jacob Marley. A Christmas Carol.”

A few minutes later, another coworker speaks up.

Coworker #2: “Tonight you will be visited by three Buffalo soldiers…”