(I am watching a nature documentary with my mum. It’s not what we’re used to; there’s a lot of unnecessary music overlays, dramatic pauses, and I’m pretty sure some heavy video editing to force the desired effect and make it more story-telling. We’re both finding it wearing to watch, as a result. It’s on a segment about the langur monkey; the announcer simply states they’re very rare, and then we get to see clips with very loud, happy-go-lucky music playing over it.)

Voiceover Guy: “But then, when it gets dark, the monkeys can’t stay out.”

(The music changes dramatically, and it shows the sun setting and a monkey looking around, which then reaches over and snatches up its orange baby, before they all run in dramatic slow-motion for the cliff.)

Voiceover Guy: “They must seek shelter, for there are dangers in the dark…”

(It shows the monkeys climbing the cliff face, babies clinging on to them.)

Voiceover Guy: “They climb and climb, the higher the better. But the cliffs are dangerous, and it’s not unknown for a monkey to fall…”

(It is still showing the monkeys climbing the cliff face, looking very stable in their climbing ability. A shadow that was clearly added in after is creeping up on them.)

Mum: “By, ‘It’s not unknown,’ he means, ‘rarely happens.’”

Voiceover Guy: “They have gone high enough. Now they’ll look for shelter. Even the babies are aware of the danger they’re in.”

(Close up on a bright orange puffball looking around in — presumably — its mother’s arms.)

Me: “To be honest, if you grabbed me whilst I was playing on a branch, then legged it up a cliff, I’d be pretty alarmed.”

Voiceover Guy: “They have found shelter. They will be safe from the dangers that lurk in the night…” *cue really, really slow-motion of the sun setting and the moon rising*

Me: *whilst slow-motion is still going* “What are they scared of? Jaguars? Bats?” *can’t think of another nocturnal animal* “Badgers?”

(A slow-motion thunderstorm now is on the screen.)

Mum & Me: “Thunderstorms?”

Voiceover Guy: *moving to a completely different topic* “In Australia…”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Mum: “What about the danger to the monkeys?!”

(It never went back to explain the “dangers of the night” that the monkeys ran away from.)

(My wife and I are watching a political drama/thriller on TV when our college-age daughter walks into the room and sits down.)

Daughter: “What are you guys watching? What’s going on here?”

Me: “Okay, so, this soldier here has just seen his buddy shot in the head, and now…[explains the plot of the film thus far].”

Daughter: “Oh… No. That seems a bit much for me, on a Thursday evening and everything. I can’t deal with that.”

(She gets out her phone and starts reading something whilst we continue watching the film.)

Me: “What is it you’re reading, anyway?”

Daughter: “Oh, I was just reading up on the Zodiac Killer.”

(Our family enjoys crime procedurals, and we prefer to watch them over anything else. This particular night, we’re watching a late-night rerun of one such show, and this episode features a serial killer who’s murdering entire families. He gains access to his victims’ homes by knocking on the door, holding a dead cat, and explaining that he and his buddy accidentally ran over said cat and asking if it belongs to the family. The episode has just finished up, close to midnight, when we hear a knock on the door.)

Mom: “Someone get the door.”

Me: *exchanging deer-in-the-headlights look with my brother* “You get the door.”

Brother: “I’m not getting the door!”

Mom: “Holy s***, someone get the door!”

Me: “After that episode, we’re not getting the door!”

(The kicker? When Mom finally gave up and opened the door herself, it was the cat! Our cat has learned that if he bangs on the door with his paw, someone will let him in. It was just his luck to “knock” right after we’d watched that particular episode!)

(A guy comes up looking for “The Lion King,” which turns out to be in the Disney vault at the time and not available for sale.)

Me: *looks up movie* “I’m sorry, sir, but it looks like that movie is in the Disney Vault right now.”

Customer: *confused face* “Well, is there any way you could go back and get it out of the vault?”

(The dude thought we had a literal vault in the back room where we kept the Disney movies.)

(My classmates and I are about ten or eleven years old. Our band teacher is absent for the day, so we have a substitute, a young guy somewhere in his twenties. The classroom has a TV and DVD player that the teacher uses to show us music performances. The sub offers to let us vote on a movie to watch, which he brought with him. The majority chooses “There’s Something About Mary,” a film I hadn’t even heard of. Being naive and rather innocent, all of the adult and raunchy humor flies right over my head, leaving me mostly confused. At the end of the day I go my mom’s office; she works at the school.)

Mom: *working at the computer* “So, did anything interesting happen today?”

Me: “Not really. We got to watch a movie in band, since the teacher was sick.”

Mom: “Oh? What did you watch?”

Me: “It was weird; its name was something about Mary.”

Mom: *pauses in her work and turns to look at me* “There’s Something About Mary?”

Me: “Yeah, that sounds right. I didn’t get what was happening, but the other boys thought it was funny.”

Mom: *fuming* “Do you know the substitute’s name?”

Me: *feeling her anger, and getting nervous* “Uh, no. I don’t remember his name. He was young, long hair, glasses…”

(She stood up and stormed out of the room, directly to the principal’s office. Apparently, I got the guy fired and banned from being hired by the district as a sub. Even today, I feel kind of bad for costing the guy his job. I swear, I was not intentionally tattling!)