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Customers Are Like Angels With Filthy Souls

, , , , | Right | September 10, 2018

(I have a friend who is not well versed in ‘90s and early ‘00s pop culture references. She works delivery for a pizza chain, and prides herself on being prompt and accurate with orders. One December night, she approaches a house and, after a fairly pleasant exchange with the customer, this happens:)

Customer: *throws money at her and slams door shut* “KEEP THE CHANGE, YA FILTHY ANIMAL!”

Friend: “UM?”

(Not knowing what’s happening, she texts me.)

Friend: “I don’t know how to feel right now. And I quote: ‘Keep the change you filthy animal!’?”

Me: *after I finish dying laughing* “It’s a Home Alone reference.”

Friend: “Really? I was traumatized.”

Doesn’t Have To Be A Judgemental Universe

, , , , , | Right | August 23, 2018

(A customer comes up to the counter. He’s a man in his twenties, kind of rugged-looking, and is wearing a t-shirt with a popular sports logo on it. He puts a pink shirt, a star-shaped stencil, a can of yellow fabric spray paint, and a huge pink plastic gem on the counter. Being a massive fan of the cartoon “Steven Universe,” I immediately recognize these items as key components for making a cosplay of the main character. Since it’s rare to find fellow Steven Universe fans in my age group, especially fellow guys, I decide to strike up a conversation regarding the show.)

Me: “So, are you excited for the new Steven Universe episode tonight?”

Customer: *looks startled and a bit embarrassed* “Wh-what? No, no way, man. That show’s for kids. This is for, uh, my little sister.”

(Note that the shirt is an adult large. I don’t want to embarrass the guy, so I go along with it.)

Me: “Oh, okay.”

(As I finish ringing him up, his cell phone goes off… and his ringtone is the “Steven Universe” theme song. The guy’s face goes scarlet, and he scrambles to power his phone off.)

Me: *smiles in what I hope is a reassuring way* “No judgement, dude. I’m as big a fan as your ‘sister.’ Enjoy!”

The Infinity Aisle

, , , , , | Working | August 16, 2018

(While sitting in the break room, I hear this conversation taking place surrounding the latest “Avengers” movie.)

Coworker #1: “Man, if I had the Infinity Gauntlet, I’d snap my fingers and have my aisle stocked instantly!”

Coworker #2: “Hold on. You’re telling me you’d use the power to do literally anything you wanted just for that? How short-sighted can you possibly be?!”

Coworker #1: *imitating* “The powers of the universe are at my command!” *snaps fingers* “My aisle is stocked; I’m going home to play video games. Can anybody give me a ride?”

Would Have Been A “Grim” Introduction To Elephant Mating

, , , , , | Working | August 15, 2018

(Due to a history of items being stolen from our library, all DVDs are kept in locked cases which are then unlocked upon checkout, and all blu-ray discs are kept under the front desk and must be inserted into their correct cases by a librarian upon checkout. A patron approaches me, accompanied by two young children, and hands me a blu-ray case.)

Patron: “Hi, I borrowed this last time, but my husband said that when he went to play it, it had the wrong disc inside.”

(I glance at the front and see that it is a popular, G-rated kids’ movie. I look inside and see that there is no title on the disc itself, but it shows a very close-up image of what appears to be an elephant’s behind — nothing graphic, though.)

Me: “Oh, no! Sorry about that. There must have been a mix-up somewhere along the line. I’ll just look up the code of the disc.”

(All items have a code, which is pasted onto both the disc and its cases, making it easy to match them up. I search the code, and my eyes widen in horror as I see the search result.)

Me: “This… is not a children’s film… I’m so sorry.”

Patron: *cheerfully* “Oh, no, that’s all fine. Don’t worry; we’d already seen the movie anyway and we were re-borrowing it. Sorry that you have to spend time chasing that up now.”

Me: “Yeah, no worries. I’ll, um, I’ll take care of it.”

(The patron leaves.)

Coworker: *seeing my frozen mask of simultaneous panic and relief* “What’s up?”

Me: “I can’t believe that just happened.”

(It turned out that whoever had taken the blu-ray disc from behind the counter had grabbed the wrong one. Instead of going home with a light-hearted kids’ film, this family had been given the MA15+ rated movie “Grimsby” by Sacha Baron Cohen. Those familiar with Borat or anything else by Sacha Baron Cohen can imagine my horror at the thought of how close those little kids had come to seeing that which can never be unseen.)

What A S*** Story

, , , , | Related | August 8, 2018

(My dad brings us kids a movie to watch every night. This movie is rated PG.)

Kid: *on screen* “S*** happens.”

Other Character: “Uh, what?”

Kid: *pronouncing it clearly* “S***. Happens.”

Dad: *starts laughing*

Me: “Um, Dad? I don’t get it. What’s funny?”

Sister: “Yeah, what’s ‘s***’ mean?”

Dad: *shaking head, still laughing* “Never you mind; it’s a bad word. Only grownups can say it!”

Me: “But a kid is saying it…”

(Dad ignored me and continued to laugh. Later, I understood what it meant, but I still think it was stupid joke. Movies waste a lot of money to make stupid jokes for stupid people, I guess.)