The Winterfell Soldier

, , , , , | Related | April 26, 2019

(I am on the phone with my aunt. I told her I was excited for a certain superhero movie coming out later this month, but I didn’t elaborate because I wanted to avoid the movies-like-that-will-give-you-nightmares-and-make-you-lose-contact-with-reality speech. I’m 26 and have lived on my own for years now, but my family has a habit of forgetting that. I’m a huge geek and love science fiction and fantasy, but my aunt detests it.)

Aunt: “What was that movie you wanted to see called again? Game of… something?”

Me: “Oh, Endgame!”

Aunt: “You sure? I saw something on TV about some movie, all science fiction and lots of fighting, and I thought it might be that movie you were excited about. But it was called Game of something, I’m sure.”

Me: *thinking I know what she’s referring to* “You mean Game of Thrones?”

Aunt: “Yes! That was it! That’s not what you were telling me about? It looked like what you described.”

(To be fair, I only told her it was a science fiction movie about superheroes and that she wouldn’t like it because there was lots of fighting in it. But I know trying to explain the difference between fantasy and science fiction to my aunt is a waste of breath, because she doesn’t care.)

Me: “Oh, no, that’s not it. It’s a popular television series, and the new season is coming out. I don’t watch that, though.”

Aunt: “Oh, good, because it looked ghastly. With those big horrible birds.”

(I’m thinking, “Birds? What is she… Oh!”)

Me: “Ehm, I think those were dragons.”

Aunt: “Oh, whatever, it looked dreadful. I’m sure it would give me nightmares.”

(I decided it was time to change the subject.)

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Clueless About How Acting Works

, , , , | Related | April 16, 2019

Mom: “Your dad and I were watching this movie that your dad bought, and there was that girl from Clueless!”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Mom: “She was doing all kinds of dirty things with the male. She had no clothes on!”

Me: “Okay?”

Mom: “She is what, 17 in Clueless?”

Me: “They hire older actresses to play teens in movies for some reason. Also, she probably is over 18 in the movie that you watched with Dad.”

Mom: “Well, they shouldn’t! It misleads people!”

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Passionate About Horror Films

, , , , | Friendly | April 16, 2019

(“The Passion Of The Christ” has just come out. I’m discussing it with my coworkers.)

Coworker: “Was it any good?”

Me: “Typical horror movie ending. You think the guy’s dead, but he’s not.”

Christian Coworker: “I’d be mad, but that was actually pretty funny.”

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The Great British Fall-Off

, , , , , | Related | April 12, 2019

(Mum and I are both watching a programme with the comedian Sue Perkins as she follows the Mekong river in China. She’s been driven up one of the mountains and gotten out part way to talk about the river. She also talks about how the altitude is affecting her and she’s lightheaded. She’s doing this whilst stood on the edge of the road that seems to have a sheer drop with no barrier. Mum and I are both acrophobic — we’re scared of heights to an irrational level.)

Me: *getting anxious* “She is really starting to bother me. She’s getting lightheaded and is stood… there.”

Mum: “On the edge.”

Me: “Nothing to break her fall.”

Mum: “Well, we wouldn’t be there. We’d be against the mountain going, ‘Sue! Suuuue! Come away from the edge!'”

Me: *pretending to be more panicked than I am* “‘Sue, it’s not safe!'”

Mum: *also pretending panic* “’Suuuue!’”

(It then pans out to show that she genuinely is on the edge of the cliff.)

Mum & Me: *no longer pretending* “SUE!”

(Thankfully, it cuts to a different take.)

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There Has Only Ever Been One Lion Ever

, , , | Right | March 27, 2019

(A woman comes to me with a copy of the movie “Secret of the Moonacre” from the $2.99 bin.)

Customer: “What part of the Narnia series is this from?”

(I haven’t seen the movies yet, but I have read all the Narnia books, and I know that this is a completely separate story. You know, aside from the fact that it doesn’t say, “Narnia,” ANYWHERE on the box.)

Me: “I haven’t yet seen that movie, but I know it isn’t a Narnia story.”

Customer: “But it has a lion on the front.”

(Indeed, there is a black-furred, red-eyed lion on the cover, clearly — to anyone who has seen or read from the Narnia series — not Aslan. Giving her the benefit of not being as familiar with it, I explain:)

Me: “I know for a fact that the only Narnia adaptations were the four done by the BBC in the 80s and the three films by Walden Media released in the last decade, and that this isn’t part of either of them.”

Customer: “But then, why is there a lion here?”

Me: *still being polite* “I don’t know why there’s a lion, since I haven’t seen that movie, but I’ve read all the Narnia books, and I read the synopsis for that movie on the back of the box, and I can tell you that it has nothing to do with Narnia.”

(She still didn’t look convinced, so, as nicely as I can, I listed off the names of all seven Narnia stories, so that she would know that “Secret of the Moonacre” isn’t one of them. She still looked a little unsure, but she bought the DVD and moved on.)

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