The Oregon Trail: The Conan Edition

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: Gattaca401 | September 12, 2020

I am but a simple inbound technical support representative for a large ISP, cable, and phone provider.

Caller: “I need to complain! I wanted to watch [Action TV Show], but when I tuned into that channel, Conan O’Brien was on, instead!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, sometimes the schedule can—”

Caller: “I f****** hate Conan O’Brien!”

Me: “Sir, I—”

Caller: “I hope you and every single employee of your company get diarrhea for an entire month!”

If the curse stands true, we will all potentially die of dysentery within the next thirty days, and we have Conan O’Brien to thank for our fate.

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When The Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense Throws A Pizza Party

, , , , , , , | Right | September 2, 2020

Years ago, I worked in a library, and my boss decided we needed to have an art and writing contest for kids around Halloween. After talking about it, we decided that the prize would be a pizza party for the winners while watching a fairly new PG-13 dark fantasy film. We settled on Hellboy — the good one with Ron Perlman.

After our winners were selected, we sent home letters to inform them and also to let parents know the nature of the film so they could check on it. The parents all signed the permission slips attached to the letters and we prepared to party.

Each child had been invited to invite one guest. Two of the winners were brother and sister and they both invited their mother. My heart sank and my boss got nervous when we saw her. While we had a friendly and warm relationship, we were concerned that, because of her very stringent fundamentalist leanings, she might not want to sit through a film about dark magic. I was frankly surprised she had agreed to let the kids watch it.

We both resigned ourselves to Mom storming out of the place as soon as Baby Hellboy appeared.

Guess we will learn about being judge-y. Mom stayed for the whole thing. At the end of the film, all the kids were vocal about how much they liked it, but it was Mom who stole the appreciation show.

Wiping her eyes with napkins, she sobbed, “That was one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen! I told these two,” indicating her kids, “that that is how they need to choose a partner. I told them they need to look beyond a person’s exterior to see how good they are inside. She loved him because he was beautiful inside! You don’t see many movies like that these days. Thank you for sharing that!”

One of our favorite programs ever.


This story is part of our Feel Good roundup for September 2020!

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The Mother Of The Mother Of Dragons

, , , , , | Right | September 2, 2020

I work as a receptionist at the office headquarters for a very large and well-known premium cable service. This morning, I see a woman with a stroller storm up to my desk. She is well-dressed, and her cute toddler daughter is sitting calmly in her seat.

Woman: “I demand to talk to the man in charge!”

Me: “In charge of what department, ma’am?”

Woman: “In charge of everything!”

Our chief executive is a very busy man and generally doesn’t take appointments from lil’ ol’ me.

Me: “Ma’am, perhaps if you tell me what your query is, I can advise you on what to do?”

Woman: “My problem is this!

She points angrily to her own daughter. My immediate thought dramatically jumps straight to this woman having a child with the top boss and she’s come to collect! Sadly, even that wild thought is way off.

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, you’ll have to elaborate.”

She huffs and points closer to her daughter’s cap, which has “Dani” on it.

Woman: “I named my daughter Daenerys after your stupid show!”

Me: “I see.”

I don’t see.

Woman: “And you’ve all gone and f***** it up! You’ve ruined the name! She was the perfect role model for my daughter to grow up into, and now she’s gone and f****** burned down f****** King’s Landing!”

Now I see.

Me: “Ah, ma’am. I’m afraid if you wish to make a complaint about the writing on one of our shows, including that one, you can write in to this email—”

Woman: “No! I demand to speak to the owner of the company! They have to redo it! Redo the ending! My daughter will not stand for it!”

Me: “Ma’am, please send your complaints and requests to the email on this card. There is no one present at this building who can help you.”

Woman: “Gaaarrgh! F***!”

The woman kicks my desk, turns around, and storms out as fiery as when she came in. My coworker, who has witnessed this entire exchange, slides over.

Coworker: “Something tells me that girl’s mom is going to burn down the city long before her daughter gets a chance to!” 

As far as I know, that woman never came back to the offices. I hope she will wait until the shows are finished before she picks any characters to name any more children!


This story is part of our Game Of Thrones roundup!

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Mommy Issues

, , , , , , , | Right | August 21, 2020

I’m babysitting a cute little four-year-old for the second time. She has a teenaged brother.

She has great manners and is always very polite and articulate for a four-year-old. Today, she wants to watch a film, so I tell her to go choose one. She comes back with a new DVD of “Bambi.” She tells me she’s never seen it before. I’m a bit hesitant, but I agree, as I think she is able to handle it. We get to the part where Bambi is stumbling through the snow looking for his mother. 

Girl: “Where is Bambi’s mummy?”

Me: “Sweetheart, she died. The bad men killed her.”

There is a full ten seconds of silence while she processes that. 

Girl: “F*** that! I’m not watching this s***!”

She threw the remote on the floor and stormed out of the room. Her parents were understandably shocked when I told them!


This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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But Captain America Has Knocked Out Adolf Hitler Over 200 Times!

, , , , , , | Related | July 28, 2020

My dad is a single father. He’s great and all, but he had absolutely no idea how to raise a daughter by himself. He didn’t understand anything normal girls liked, so he went with what he understood. As such, I was raised on a diet of martial arts, outdoor survival, and marksmanship — basically anything he remembered from his time in the army.

As such, I’ve dealt with plenty of side effects of my lifestyle, like boys running away from me because I was better at fighting than they were and girls refusing to socialize with me as they perceived me as a violent brute. Once, we even had child services called on my dad when I went to school with a black eye.

But the single worst aspect I’ve had to deal with is this.

Me: “Dad. I hate you. Why did you have to teach me military tactics? You ruined Infinity War for me! I couldn’t enjoy the final battle as, when I saw it, all I saw was every stupid tactical mistake everyone made! No flanking, no use of cover, air support flying too low, no artillery…”

Dad: “Uh, oops?”

My glare intensifies.

Me: “Well, on the bright side, at least you know why they lost to Thanos.”

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