Not Quite What Disney Had In Mind

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Me: “Thank you for calling *** Cinemas. How can I help you?”

Some Stoner: “Yeah. Do you have any funny movies?”

Me: “Sure…”

(I go through the list of comedies.)

Stoner: “Oh. I watched Toy Story today while I was high. That was pretty funny, seeing those toys running around all f**ked up. Do you have anything like that?”

(I put down the phone for a moment to stifle my laugh.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we do not have any drug-induced movies playing right now.”

Stoner: “Oh. Well, uh…I’m gonna watch Toy Story 2 now.”

(Stoner hangs up.)

Yes, Let’s All Just Make Up Our Own Rules

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(I work as a box office cashier and Saturday nights are the best due to funny things like this.)

Lady: “I need two for 27 Dresses.”

Me: “I’m sorry but the 7:20 is sold out. Our next one is at 10:00.”

Lady: “Seriously? It’s sold out?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Lady: “So there aren’t any more seats?”

Me: “No seats.”

Lady: “What if I went and bought concessions?”

Me: “Then you would have concessions, I suppose.”

Lady: “I mean, if I bought stuff from inside, I can get seats right?”

Me: “No. You’ll just have popcorn and soda.”

Lady: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Well typically when you get concessions, you end up with popcorn and soda.”

Lady: “Yes. That’s true.”

Me: “Can I ask you to step aside so I can help some other people if you aren’t ready to select another movie?”

Lady: “Oh, yes! I’m sorry! I’ll be right back.”

(About ten minutes pass and she comes back with a guy, popcorn and soda.)

Lady: “Hi! Remember me? I need two for 27 Dresses at 7:20.”

Me: “Um…I’m sorry, but that’s still sold out.”

Lady: “But, I thought you said if I bought popcorn and soda, I could see it!”

Me: *blink blink*

Guy:: “HEY! IF you told her she could see it if she got food, then sell her the tickets!”

Me: “Okay, fine. Just warning you there are only eight seats in the thea–”


Me: “Okie dokie. $16.50, please.”

Guy:: “WHAT? Oh, f*** that. Come on. The movie costs more than the food. Let’s just go rent something.”

Lady: “But will the rental store have it?”

Me: “There’s a Blockbuster right there. Go bug them.”

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Coming To A Theater Near You: Gangsta Ushers

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(It is a known fact that when you go into our movie theater, you cannot have extra bags or cups, because that is how the theater makes their money. You can bring empty cups with you, but we cannot provide you with them. One night, a guy is not having it.)

Me: “Nope, I’m sorry. I can’t give you an extra bag.”

Customer: “Why the hell not?””

Me: “Because each bag is accounted for through our inventory, and if I give you one, it will be messed up.”

Customer: “Then how am I supposed to share with my son?”

Me: “Pay the 35 cents more and upgrade.”

(I finish giving him his order, and then turn around to clean up some of the mess. The customer suddenly reaches behind the counter, grabs another bag and takes off.)

Me: “Oh, H*** no!” *chases customer down with a team of gangsta ushers*

(We surround the customer, as all the ushers have their arms folded and are staring him down.)

Usher 1: “You gonna give her that bag back?”


Usher 2: “Then don’t come here if you can’t follow our rules.”

*security guards escort him out*

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Those Heathens And Their Time-Telling Ways

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Customer: “What time does the film start?”

Me: “The film starts fifteen minutes after the time on your ticket. There are fifteen minutes of ads and trailers.”

Customer: “No, I said what time does the F-I-L-M start?!”

Me: “The film starts after fifteen minutes of trailers, so fifteen minutes after whatever it says on the ticket. Your ticket says 3:30 pm, so the film would start at 3:45, okay?”

Customer: “Don’t blind me with science!”

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More Slippage

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(I was working another very long day right after March of the Penguins had come out , stuck in the box office, when a sweet looking little old lady and her sweet little old lady friend walked up to the window.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Old lady: “Hello sweetie. I’d like one senior for March of the Penises.”

Little old lady friend: “Oh my God…” *shocked, puts hand up to mouth, whispers to friend*

Me: “I think you might have the wrong theater…”

Of All The Moments For Freud To Slip

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