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Toughman Versus Racist: A Foregone Conclusion

, , , , , , , , | Right | December 30, 2022

I’m in a sports bar, and playing on one of the screens is a show called “Toughman Contest.” The premise is novice amateur boxers competing against each to test their skills.

One of the contestants is a Black man in magnificent physical shape with amazing brute strength, plowing his opponents over like a tank and scoring knockouts in the first minute. It’s amazing that boxing promoters aren’t beating this guy’s door down!

A trio of guys is standing next to me, watching as well. One of them speaks up.

Guy: “Bulls***! Put the [racist slur] up against an in-shape and well-trained white guy and let’s see how long he’d last! Guarantee you, it’d be over by the second round!”

Me: “How about you step in the ring with him, call him that to his face, and see how long you’d last?!”

Other Patron: *Chiming in* “Guarantee you, it’d be over by the second punch!

Other patrons glared at the guy. It quickly became obvious that they’d just made a frosty environment for themselves; they took the cue to quietly slink over to a table in the back and shut up for the rest of the time they were there.

It’s Just A Toy, Dude. Get Ogre It.

, , , , , | Right | December 21, 2022

I work at Disneyland Paris’s Disney store. I’m on a Wednesday morning shift in the off-peak season. A grown man enters the store and walks around the store while showing signs of distress or frustration.

Me: “Can I help you find what you’re looking for, sir?”

Customer: *Rudely* “I want a Shrek [toy], and you’d better fetch it quickly! I’m [some kind of important Disney person]!”

Me: *Gently* “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t get you a Shrek toy because Shrek isn’t licensed under Disney.”

The dude gets visibly angry and treats me like I am an idiot.

Customer: “It’s an animated movie; therefore, it’s Disney!”

Me: “Sir, Disney isn’t the only studio to make animated movies. Shrek comes from Dreamworks.” *Trying to jog his memory* “Did you see the Disney logo and castle at the beginning of Shrek?”

This was my mistake.

Customer: “OF COURSE, I DID!”

It took two team leaders and a manager to explain to him that he wouldn’t find Shrek anywhere around here and his best shot was at the nearby mall.

I’ve never seen a grown-up man so erratic and angry for such a silly reason. He was fuming!

Rated R-You Serious?!, Part 8

, , , , , , | Right | November 23, 2022

A man storms up to my concessions counter with his two children in tow.

Customer:Deadpool is a sick and perverted movie! There should be some kind of warning on it for parents or something!”

Me: “You mean… like an R rating?”

Rated R You Serious?!, Part 7
Rated R You Serious?!, Part 6
Rated R You Serious?, Part 5
Rated R You Serious?, Part 4
Rated R You Serious?, Part 3

Starts As A CSI Episode But Develops Into A Bigger Mystery

, , , , , , | Right | November 15, 2022

Customer: “Hi! So, I was watching CSI and I saw them do this thing with the photos.”

Uh-oh. This is never a good start.

Customer: “They, like, zoomed in and made it all clear.”

Me: “Yeah, the old ‘zoom and enhance’ trick. Just to warn you, those shows are exaggerated; most of the time, you can’t do that in real life.”

Customer: “Yeah, well, I need you to do that for me.”

He produces a polaroid photo.

Customer: “I need you to zoom in on the post-it on the fridge in the background here.”

I take a look at the photo. The post-it itself is barely a blur.

Me: “Sir, I am sorry, but if you’re looking to get any information from what was written on that post-it, you’re not going to do so from this old photo.”

Customer: “D*** it! All the other stores said the same thing. I don’t understand why they can do it on TV but not in the stores!”

The customer’s phone starts ringing, and he answers.

Customer: “Yeah.” *Pauses* “I’m here now and they said they can’t do it, either.” *Pauses* “Yeah, well, I’m sorry, but if you want Aunt Grace’s peach cobbler recipe, then you’re going to have to ask her.” *Pauses* “Yeah, maybe you should apologize about the cat first and then ask her.” *Pauses* “No, I am not calling her; she’s your aunt!” *Pauses* “And because I’m not the one who did that to her cat!”

He wandered off grumbling, and I was left wondering what happened to that poor cat.

This story is part of our Watching-Too-Much-TV roundup!

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If You Love Someone, Let Them Say No

, , , , , | Related | November 3, 2022

I loved a certain children’s movie growing up. Now, as an adult, every time my older sister comes across something related to it, she buys it. I have a lot of figurines, clothing articles, and other odds and ends, most of which are tucked in a closet because I just don’t have room to display them.

My sister texts me one day.

Sister: “Look what I found!”

She sends a picture of a figurine from the movie. It only vaguely resembles the character.

Me: “No, thanks.”

Sister: “But it’s [Movie].”

Me: “I don’t want any more things from [Movie]. I have more than enough. But thank you for thinking of me.”

Sister: “I was just trying to be nice, but f*** me, I guess.”

Me: “I appreciate the gesture, but I just don’t have the room.”

She doesn’t say anything else. A few days go by, and my mom calls me.

Mom: “Why were you so rude to your sister?”

Me: “What? When?”

Mom: “She was trying to do something nice and you told her off!”

Me: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Mom: “[Sister] offered to buy you a [Character] toy, and you blew her off.”

Me: “Mom, you know I have a s***-ton of [Movie] stuff. I really don’t need any more; I could get rid of half of it and still have too much.”

Mom: “You should be grateful that your sister thinks of you so much.”

Me: *Sigh* “I am, Mom, but I don’t need more stuff.”

Mom: “You should apologize to her.”

Me: “I’m not saying sorry for setting a boundary.”

Mom: “Well, the choice is yours.”

She hung up before I could say anything else. My sister has not tried to buy me a single [Movie] item in over six months. She might think she’s showing me how it feels, but honestly, I’m just grateful she listened and stopped buying them.