In The Zombie Apocalypse They Will Let You Down And Desert You

, , , , , , , | Related | October 16, 2017

(I’m watching “The Walking Dead” with my mom when the main character takes a spill.)

Me: “So, if he tumbles over, does that make him a… Rick Roll?”

Mom: *turns and looks at me, deadpan* “I don’t know you.”

(A few minutes later, after a death fake-out where he ends up saving his lady friend:)

Me: “I guess he’s never gonna give her up? He certainly didn’t let her down!”

Mom: *sighs* “I wonder if it’s possible to un-birth one of your children…”

Rated R U Serious?

, , , , , | Right | October 12, 2017

(I’m a customer in line for a midnight premiere showing of a movie featuring a lot of violence. The movie has some notoriety because a little girl says a particularly bad word in one scene. The movie features superheroes, however, and one family has mistaken it for a kid-friendly movie.)

Cashier: “Ma’am, I can’t recommend you seeing this movie with your kids.” *gestures to two kids in superhero Halloween costumes* “It’s rated R, and isn’t appropriate for them.”

Mom: “I raise my kids right. I pay your salary. They’ll see what we want. It’s just pretend superheroes, like Spider-Man and s***!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve read the comic book; it’s really gory and bloody. You might want to look it up first, just in case.”

Mom: “F*** you!”

(In the opening scene of the movie, a deranged man in a bird costume jumped from a roof, and splatted into the ground. This woman immediately stood up and paraded her kids and husband out. Over an hour-and-a-half later as we left, she was still yelling at the ticket guy. Poor ticket guy.)

They Remind You Of The Babe

, , , , | Friendly | October 6, 2017

(I’m working with two coworkers who are several years older than I. Both start singing and quoting a movie back and forth.)

Me: “I have absolutely no idea what you two are on about.”

Coworker #1: “You aren’t that young, are you?”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, it’s from Labyrinth.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I watched that years ago. That’s the one where David Bowie is a—”

(All three of us simultaneously:)

Me: “Paedophile.”

Coworker #1: “Hot guy!”

Coworker #2: “Goblin king!”

Me: “Hmmm, guess we all took something different away from that film.”

The Bartok Scenes Are A Bit Of A Stretch

, , , , , , | Related | October 5, 2017

(My grandmother takes me to see the animated movie “Anastasia” when it comes out. We’ve only seen the first few minutes. All the narration has said so far is that the Czar used to rule Russia, Anastasia was his daughter, and Rasputin was a mystic who was close to the royal family. Accurate enough, and certainly recognizable as right before the Russian Revolution.)

Narration: “The year was nineteen hundred and sixteen.”

Grandma: “Did she say 1916 or 1960?”

Me: “I dunno.”

(Give me a break; I was seven. I think for a second.)

Me: “You were alive in 1960, and not in 1916. Do you remember this?”

Grandma: “This is based on something that really happened?”

(I’m still not sure if she actually forgot that the Russian Revolution happened and that Czars were a real thing, or if she didn’t realize that no matter how unrealistic the rest of the movie was, if it was set at the time of the revolution it would still have to be in 1916, not 1960.)

All My One-Liners Are Golden

, , , , | Working | September 29, 2017

(I am 13, and a major fan of the show “The Golden Girls”. I’m at a popular coffee shop.)

Me: “May I please have [seasonal drink]?”

Cashier: “Name, please.”

Me: *makes reference to “The Golden Girls”* “Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.”

(Five minutes pass.)

Barista: “I have a coffee for Zulu, Queen of the Nerd people!”

(After picking up my coffee, I proceed to take off my coat, revealing my “Golden Girls” shirt.)

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