Brad Pitt Would Be Ashamed

, , , , , | Related | June 19, 2019

(My husband and I have a ten-year-old son and a six-year-old daughter. Our daughter is at the age where she is borderline-obsessed with Barbies, and our son loves to tease her. I come home one Saturday afternoon to find my husband fuming and see that our daughter has been crying. My husband announces that our son will be in his room for the rest of the day, and possibly “the rest of his life.” Confused, I ask what happened.)

Husband: “Last night when we were in bed, [Son] sneaked downstairs and watched Seven.

Me: “It’s inappropriate for his age, but I’d cut him some slack. A lot of kids do that. I did it. You probably did it.”

Husband: “Oh, no, it gets worse. This morning he went into [Daughter]’s room while she was playing and gave her a box and told her it was for Ken.”

Me: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me…”

Husband: She thought he was playing and had ‘Ken’ open up the box…”

Me: “It was, of course…”

Husband: “Barbie’s head.”

Me: “Well, that’s not right at all!” *pause* “Ken’s not supposed to look inside the box. He should have had another doll open it. I’ll have a talk with him about respecting the classics.”

(My daughter and my husband both gave me the stink-eye for the rest of the day. I guess I deserved it, but I still think it was hilarious. I’m a rotten parent.)

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Is That A New Pokemon?

, , , , , , | Related | June 13, 2019

(Our little neighbor boy comes over for a visit, and we are watching a documentary.)

Narrator: “The kiwi has been caught and…”

Me: “Is that a pigeon?”

Nana: “No, it’s a kiwi.”

Me: “No, it’s a pigeon.”

Neighbor Boy: “What are they doing to it?”

Nana: “They’re putting a tracker on the kipigeon.”

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Mastery Of The Prank Stone

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 28, 2019

Me: “Have you watched Avengers: Endgame yet?”

Friend: “Not yet. I’m going to watch it this coming weekend. I’m so excited!”

Me: “Oh, man, you’re going to have a great time. I find that it wraps things up quite nicely.”

Friend: “Oh, yeah?”

Me: “Yeah. You might feel a few sore spots, too. Unfortunately, Batman ends up dying.”

Friend: *seething with rage* “DUDE! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?”

Me: “D-do what?”

Friend: “YOU JUST F****** SPOILED ENDGAME FOR ME! WHAT THE H***? NOT COOL, MAN!”

Me: “How did I spoil it? What did I actually say?”

Friend: “YOU JUST SAID THAT BATMAN D– Oh, godd*** it!”

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The Points Saga

, , , , | Working | May 23, 2019

(This story takes place over a time span of five years. It starts when my husband and I move to a new city and start going to another movie theater. After a few months, they offer us a new rewards card that can be topped up with money which we can use to pay for the tickets — which makes the tickets cheaper — or only use it to collect reward points. They tell us explicitly that we do not need to have money on that card and that we can just collect the points and get rewards, like free tickets, for them. So, we get one. We are only going to the movies on Mondays and Thursdays, on which days they have special deals from third parties — two tickets for one, etc. — but they assure us that we can still collect the points when we use those special deals. For about six months, everything is great. We go to the movie theater, use the deal, pay, and then give the cashier the card to get the points for the money we just spent. Then, one day:)

Cashier #1: “You know, if you use that special deal, you cannot collect any points. You can only collect points if you pay with the money you have on the card.”

Me: “What? That’s not what they told us when we got the card. Also, we have been doing this for six months and it was fine.”

Cashier #1: “I don’t know. You cannot do this; the system won’t allow it.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Cashier #1: “Yes.”

Me: “Fine, I guess.”

(We are annoyed, but let it slide since we think that maybe they have changed the system, but the next time:)

Cashier #2: “And I will slide your card and you will get your reward points.”

Me: “The girl last week said that we cannot get reward points anymore if we pay cash!”

Cashier #2: “What? No, this is fine. You don’t need to pay with the card if you want to get the points.”

Me: “Okay, great. Thank you!”

(We are happy, because we believe that the cashier the week before was simply inexperienced and we can keep collecting our points, but the next time:)

Cashier #3: “You cannot collect any reward points if you do not pay with the card. You know that, right?”

Me: “This is not what they told us when we got the card, and also not what they told us last week.”

Cashier #3: “Yeah, it’s new. You cannot collect any anymore.”

Me: “But we did collect them last week?!”

Cashier #3: “No, that can’t be true because the system won’t let you do it.”

Me: “Of course, it does. Could you please ask your colleague?”

Cashier #3: “No, I know it doesn’t work.”

(There is a long line of people waiting behind us.)

Me: “FINE. Just give me back the card, please.”

(This is getting really annoying. Sometimes we are able to collect the reward points, sometimes not. They always argue that “the system won’t let them do it,” although some of the cashiers are able to do it. Since we are going to the movies quite regularly — once or twice a week — we have lots of these encounters. Since I am not sure if I am in the right or not, I write to their headquarters. They assure me that, in fact, I am able to collect the points even if I do not pay with it, and even give me the number of the manager so that I can call him if they refuse to do it correctly. From that point on, I have the letter with me, which helps, but I still don’t get my points every time. However, I never actually call the manager. Then, one time:)

Cashier #4: “I just want to let you know that you cannot collect reward points if you pay cash.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Cashier #4: “Yes, the system won’t allow it.”

(I realise the cashier on the register to her left is actually the manager of the movie theater, who has already cashed us out in the past and has allowed us to get the points.)

Me: “Isn’t that your manager next to you? Could you please ask him?”

Cashier #4: *very annoyed* “FINE. But I’m telling you, this won’t work. Hey, [Manager], could you please help me for a second?”

Manager: “What’s up?”

Cashier #4: “They want to pay cash and still collect the reward points.”

Manager: “Okay, so?”

Cashier #4: “That’s not possible!”

Manager: “Of course, it is.”

Cashier #4: “What? How?”

Manager: “Let me show you.”

(We keep going to that cinema and have to have this discussion with many cashiers over the time, but either asking for the manager or actually having the manager come over mostly fixes our problem. Sometimes we still let it slide, for example when the queue is very long, but mostly we get our rewards points. Then, about two years ago, we started to put money on our card, because you are able to skip the queue on the buffet if you pay with the card there. And since we already have money on the card, we also want to pay for the movie tickets with the card.)

Me: “I have a reservation [reservation number] and this special deal here, and I would also like to pay with the card.”

Cashier #5: “You cannot pay with the card if you are using the special deal.”

Me: “Really? Why not?”

Cashier #5: “The system won’t allow it; you need to pay cash if you are using the special deal.”

Me: “Well, fine. But I still get the points, right?”

Cashier #5: “Of course.”

Me: “Fine.”

(It seems like a strange system, but fine. However, the next time:)

Cashier #6: “Okay, that’s two tickets for [Movie] and the special deal. Would you like me to take the money from you card or would you like to pay cash?”

Me: “I thought we could only pay cash if we used the special deal?”

Cashier #6: “No, paying with the card is also fine.”

Me: “You do have a real communication problem here, guys. They said something differently last time.”

Cashier #6: “I am really sorry about that, but it is fine if you would like to pay with the card.”

Me: “Yes, thank you.”

(But the next time — you guessed it — we aren’t able to pay with the card anymore. At this point they have actually got a new computer system, so we guess that they really aren’t able to do it anymore. Since it isn’t a difference in price, only in the form of payment, we don’t care and just accept that we have to pay for the special deal in cash. All goes well from there, except for this occasional scene:)

Cashier #7: “You cannot collect rewards points if you are not paying with card.”

Me: “Fine, then I would like to pay with card.”

Cashier #7: “Okay… but you cannot pay with card if you are using the special deal.”

Me: “So, you are telling me I am not getting any reward points if I use the special deal?”

Cashier #7: “Yes.”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well, that’s strange, because I have been doing that for the last three and a half years.”

Cashier #7: “Yeah, they changed the system.”

Me: “They changed the system three months ago. I am here twice a week and everyone except you can do it.”

Cashier #7: “The system won’t let me do it.”

Me: “Then call your manager and let him show you how it is done.”

(In most cases, the cashiers then either ask the manager or another cashier and — surprise, surprise — then they are able to do it. We have no problems with this system anymore for quite a while and everything seems fine. Until…)

Cashier #8: “Would you like to pay for the tickets and your special deal with the card or cash?”

Me: “I thought card payment was not possible? We haven’t been able to do this for years!”

Cashier #8: “No, sorry about that. It is possible, of course.”

Me: “Okay, then we would like to pay with the card, please.”

(But then the next week:)

Me: “Two tickets for [Movie], here is the special deal and we would like to pay with the money that is on that card.”

Cashier #9: “I am so sorry, but you cannot pay for the special deal with the money on your cart.”

Me: “But we did it last week.”

Cashier #9: “That’s not possible; the system cannot do it.”

Me: “You know what, just forget it. Here, I would like to pay cash.”

(At this point it is not annoying anymore; it’s only funny. I am pretty sure I am better trained for this computer system than most of the cashiers at that movie theater. We keep going back there, nevertheless, and I am curious how this is going to continue.)

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Ani-rated R

, , , , , | Friendly | May 23, 2019

(Our friend let my roommate and I borrow a boxed set of his favorite anime. This is the conversation we have afterward.)

Me: “I can see why you like this show. It’s very you.”

Friend: “It’s one of my favorites for a reason! It may be a bit dated, but it was the first anime I watched with a story and characters I cared about.”

Me: “We thought the story was okay, but—“

Roommate: “We were talking about the nudity and swearing.”

Friend: “What?! There isn’t any nudity or swearing!”

Me: “Yes. Yes, there is. There is a hot springs episode with full-frontal nudity!”

Friend: “WHAT?!”

(It turned out that he’d watched a censored version of the show on television, and since he hadn’t gotten around to rewatching it on DVD, he didn’t realize that the show had been so heavily censored that it turned a mature-rated harem anime into a program that’s remarkably tame in comparison, aimed at young teens! For those curious, the anime in question was “Tenchi Muyo.”)

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