Car Parked, Brain In Neutral

| | Right | January 1, 2010

Customer: “Hi, um, my car was stolen.”

Me: “Well, okay, let’s go out and see where you’re parked.”

(We walk into the parking lot.)

Me: “Okay, where did you park?”

Customer: “Right there, where the Prius is parked! God d***
tree-hugging democrat piece of s***!”

Me: “Okay, well, let’s go inside and call the police.”

(While we wait for the police to come she makes some phone calls and then comes back into the office.)

Customer: “Sorry, never mind. Turns out I drove the Prius today and not the Honda.”

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The Show Must Go On

| | Right | December 29, 2009

(We’ve paused a film 10 minutes before the end because a customer’s pulse has stopped. Fortunately, there’s a doctor in another movie who is able to help out before the ambulance arrives.)

Customer: “Excuse me, you stopped the movie. I wanted to see how it ended.”

Me: “Ma’am, we’ll continue the movie when the ambulance leaves. Someone almost died.”

Customer: “But we paid for our tickets. We deserve to see how it ends!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’ll just have to wait. We will continue the film as soon as we can.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! You stopped the film. We paid to see the whole thing.”

Me: “No, we’re going to continue the film where it left off as soon as we’re sure this man’s life isn’t in danger. We had to stop so the EMTs could do their job.”

Customer: “Could we get a refund?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, I can’t give you a refund because you’ll get to see the rest of the film if you wait. Refunds are only for situations where we can’t continue the film.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I wanted to see how it ended!”

Me: “Well, if you wait about 20 minutes I’m sure the EMTs will have had enough time and you can finish your movie. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is.”

Customer: “I don’t believe this theater. We’re leaving!”

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Beating Around The Bush

| | Right | December 21, 2009

(I’m working the box office and a woman storms up to the counter, holding a copy of a popular satire newspaper.)

Customer: “Have you seen this?”

Me: “Yeah, I read it all the time.”

Customer: “How can they get away with this?”

(She pushes the newspaper against the glass, and I can see a humorous picture of the President.)

Me: “I think that’s photoshopped.”

Customer: “No, it’s real! This is un-American! To degrade the office of the president by publishing this photo, it’s treasonous!”

Me: “You know it’s a joke, right?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “It’s a parody newspaper. Nothing in it is actual news.”

Customer: “No, no, no, it was on the news stand. I paid for this, and they’re defaming the president!”

Me: “It’s also free.”

Customer: *pauses*

Me: “Would you like a ticket?”

Customer: “One for Sicko…”

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So She Thinks She Can Dance

| | Right | December 8, 2009

(A little old lady approaches me and a new employee while we’re standing in the movie theater lobby.)

Customer: *dances*

Me: “That’s nice, ma’am.”

Customer: *continues dancing*

Me: “Um…I don’t know how to respond to that.”

Customer: *continues dancing*

Me: “I’m sorry, I really don’t know how to respond.”

Customer: “You could say ‘You’re a great dancer!'” *walks toward the
concession stand*

New guy: “Does that happen often?”

Me: “No. Believe it or not, that’s actually a new one.”

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Getting To The Root Of The Problem

| | Right | December 2, 2009

(I am selling souvenir programs and backpacks for Legally Blonde: The Musical in the lobby. The customer I’m talking to is a brunette; so am I.)

Me: “Would you like a souvenir program?”

Customer: “But you’re not blond.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am? Would you like a program?”

Customer: “This is Legally Blonde! You should be blond.”

Me: *thinking she’s joking* “You know, it’s funny…I was blond for six months and just dyed my hair back to my natural color before I found out this show was coming.”

Customer: *completely serious* “But you are not blond!”

Me: “No ma’am, I am not.”

Customer: “Why would they let you sell things for the show when you are not blond?”

Me: “Well, you don’t have to be blond to work at the theater.”

Customer: “But it’s Legally BLONDE!”

Me: *giving up* “You see, ma’am they needed someone who could do math, so they got a brunette.”

Customer: “Oh, that makes sense. I will take two, then!”

Another customer behind her: “Well played. Now I feel like I have to buy one!”

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