Well, F***!

, , , , , | Learning | October 8, 2019

(My school, being religious, has a fairly strict policy on swearing. In speech class, we’re watching a movie where a character sometimes uses intense profanity in speech therapy to help alleviate a stutter. The teacher has made notes for when these scenes happen so she can mute the film at the appropriate time. However, she leaves the room to talk to another teacher and one of the profanity-filled scenes comes on. About ten minutes later, the teacher comes running back into the room.)

Teacher: “Did I miss the profanity scene?!”

Student #1: “Yeah . . .”

Teacher: *dramatically falls on floor* “I am so sorry! I was talking to [Teacher #2] and thought, ‘Oh, no, is one of the swearing scenes is coming up?’ so I ran back here as fast as I could!”

Student #2: “It happened a while ago.”

Teacher: *checks timestamp on movie* “I missed it by ten minutes!”

Student #3: “I thought you were just sitting in the back and didn’t care!”

Teacher: “No! I am so, so sorry!”

(She has not forgotten to mute a scene since.)

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Gatsby Is Less Great In 2D

, , , , | Right | September 30, 2019

(I have an annoyed customer come up to me at the ticket check podium.)

Customer: “WHY is The Great Gatsby in 3D?”

(I don’t know what to say, apart from the obvious.)

Me: “Because it’s a 3D film.”

Customer: “That’s not a very good answer.”

(Then, his friend pipes up.)

Customer’s Friend: “What the h*** did you want her to say? Just because you’re angry, don’t take it out on her.”

(That guy’s friend totally made my night.)

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An Iron-Giant-Sized Flaw In Your Logic

, , , , | Romantic | September 27, 2019

(My girlfriend and I have a nine-year age difference. At the time of this story, I am 33 and she is 24. As such, she mainly grew up in the naughties while I grew up in the nineties. She has decided that any movie made before around 1998 is “too old” to be any good. I have made it my mission to get her caught up on a variety of twentieth-century movies to prove her wrong. We are watching “The Iron Giant.” Near the end, the titular robot sacrifices himself to save the town from a high-yield missile.)

Girlfriend: “Aww, he died?”

Me: “Well, it looks like he did.”

Girlfriend: “That’s so sad.”

(In the end, we see the Iron Giant reassembling itself and opening its eyes.)

Girlfriend: “Oh, he’s alive! He didn’t die! Why did you tell me he died?”

Me: “I didn’t. I said it looked like he died.”

(Another time, we watch “ET: The Extraterrestrial.” We get to the part where ET dies and is in the refrigerator unit and body bag.)

Girlfriend: “Oh, my God! He’s dead!”

Me: “Yes, he is currently dead.”

Girlfriend: “That’s terrible! Why would you make me watch such a sad movie?”

(ET comes back to life as his people near Earth.)

Girlfriend: “He’s not dead! You told me he was dead!”

Me: “He was dead. Now he’s alive again. It was the 80s. Family blockbusters were never that sad.”

(This happens while watching the first “Back to the Future” movie after Dr. Brown gets shot by the Libyan terrorists.)

Girlfriend: “Oh, no, he’s dead?”

Me: *unable to take it anymore* “[Girlfriend], this is the beginning of the first part of a three-part movie involving time travel and he’s one of the two principal characters. Do you really think he’s going to stay dead?”

Girlfriend: “Oh…”

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A True Horror Picture Show

, , , , | Romantic | September 26, 2019

(My boyfriend and I go to a midnight movie showing around Halloween. Though this movie is very popular around that time of year, it wasn’t part of my upbringing. I haven’t seen it before, but I have heard it is something you just have to experience, so I am excited. We get our seats and the movie starts. A few minutes in, the two people directly behind me start yelling at the movie. I am getting very annoyed, as I was always told it’s rude to talk during a movie and I’ve never seen this one.)

Me: “Why are they talking?”

Boyfriend: “It’s fine.”

Me: “But–”

Boyfriend: “Shh!”

(I sit for another ten minutes or so, getting more annoyed as time goes by. I can’t understand why nobody has said anything! Finally, I’ve had enough. I spin around in my seat and glare at the pair.)

Me: *harsh whisper* “Excuse me!”

Boy: “What?”

Me: “I’m trying to watch this.”

Girl: “Yeah?”

Me: “Can you maybe be quiet?”

Both: “What?!”

Me: “Please quiet down.”

Girl: “B****, shut up.”

Me: “You’re the ones talking the whole time!”

Boyfriend: “[My Name], be quiet.”

Me: “Me? Tell them!”

All Three: “Shh!”

(I storm out of the theater, furious. I can hear the two people sitting behind me cheering as I leave. My boyfriend follows me.)

Boyfriend: “What the f*** is your problem?”

Me: “Do you not hear them?!”

Boyfriend: *like I’m stupid* “That’s how it goes when you watch [Movie]. It’s called audience interaction. At a live show, the actors would leave spaces in the dialogue for that stuff. What’s wrong with you?”

Me: *now embarrassed and angry* “Well… why didn’t you say so before we went in?”

Boyfriend: “Who doesn’t know that?!”

Me:Me! I’ve never seen [Show] before! I told you that!”

Boyfriend: “I thought you just meant the movie.” *shrugs and reaches for my hand*

Me: *pulls away* “Why didn’t you tell me the first time I said something to you?”

Boyfriend: *laughs a little* “It was kind of funny seeing you get so mad over something so stupid. I wanted to see if you’d say anything.”

Me: *stunned* “I have to go.”

(The next day, he called and asked if I’d cooled down. I told him that I had, but I wouldn’t have been so angry if he’d just told me that was supposed to happen instead of telling me to be quiet. He still didn’t think he had done anything wrong and actually sided with the other people, saying I was ruining the show for everyone. It’s been nearly 20 years and I’m still pretty sure that night was the beginning of the end for us; we broke up less than two weeks later.)

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Fake News Epidemic Has Hit The Cartoons

, , , , | Working | September 23, 2019

(When it’s slow at work, some of us like to read the news.)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], you know the show Arthur?”

Me: “Yeah! I loved that show!”

Coworker: “They have an article about it on [Local News Website]. It said the show was kicked off PBS because there’s a gay character.”

Me: “What?! I didn’t know there was a gay character! Who was it, Buster? Binky?”

Coworker: “No, it was the teacher.”

Me: “Mr. Ratburn? I don’t remember him being gay.”

Coworker: “Yeah, it said he had a gay wedding, so the show was kicked off PBS.”

Me: “That’s shocking. You’d think in this day and age they’d be okay with a gay wedding. I guess maybe a lot of parents complained? Mr. Ratburn deserves to be happy; he deserves love, too!”

Manager: *in her office and can’t hear our conversation well* “Did you say Arthur was kicked off the show for being gay?”

Me: “No, she said the show was kicked off PBS because there was a gay wedding.”

Manager: “WHAT?! That’s not right!”

Assistant: “I’m going to look it up. What was this on, [Local News Website]?”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Me: “I’m going to look it up, too.”

Manager: “I can’t believe they did that! You’d think they’d want to teach kids that being gay is okay!”

Assistant: “Oh. My. God. [Coworker], that’s not what happened!”

Coworker: “What do you mean?”

Assistant: “It says, ‘Arthur kicked off 22nd season on PBS with gay wedding.’”

Me: “Oh, my… [Coworker!]”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “You read it wrong! The season was kicked off with a gay wedding! The show wasn’t kicked off the network!”

Coworker: “Oh, I guess I read it wrong.”

Me: “Hashtag ‘fake news.’”

Coworker: “I didn’t even know Arthur was still around.”

Me: “Me, neither.”

Manager: “Okay, what happened?”

Me: “[Coworker] was spreading fake news. Arthur is apparently still around and making new episodes. They started the new season with a gay wedding. The show wasn’t booted from PBS.”

(That made the slow period of the day go by a bit quicker, and we continued making jokes about the situation for the rest of the day.)

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