I work at a very small theater. Since we have very limited space, we pretty much only carry the biggest movies — blockbusters and the like — and never get things like limited releases, documentaries, etc.

A woman in her fifties comes up to me.

Customer: “Are you getting [Movie]?”

Me: “Hmm, I’ve never heard of that one. Do you know when it was supposed to come out?”

Customer: “It’s a limited release, but I just know you’re going to get it because God told me!”

Me: “Ah, well, if it’s a limited release, we probably won’t get it. We have limited screens and usually only get the widest releases.”

Customer: “But [Movie] is important! It’s the new documentary from [Iranian-American alt-right conspiracy theorist], and it’s about how the election was stolen from [Former US President]! God told me that you’d be getting this documentary!”

Me: “Unfortunately, as I said, we typically don’t get those types of limited-release films or documentaries. We just don’t have the space.”

Customer: “Ack! You godless Jews WILL GET THE MOVIE! I AM A GOOD CHRISTIAN WOMAN AND GOD TOLD ME SO!”

Me: “…Well, I’m sorry, but we probably won’t.”

Customer: “Pfft! So much for freedom of speech!”

She turns and starts to walk away, and then she turns back.

Customer: “I hope [Former US President] kills you first when he takes back the office from Satan.”

Me: “That’s very Christian of you, ma’am, thank you.”

She wandered away. Thankfully, she was the only person who came in asking about that movie.

Related:
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 3
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 2
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets

I’m thirty and my manager is thirty-six. We have to conduct an inspection where we flip off the main power supply to make sure all the emergency lights in the store work.

We go into the electrical room, and there are several panels, each with a rather impressive-looking Main Switch.

I can’t resist.

Me: “Pull the lever, Kronk!”

Manager: “…what?”

Me: “You don’t know what that is? “

Manager: “No.”

Me: “The Emperor’s New Groove. Boo.”

Manager: “Never seen it.”

A moment later, she pulls the switch and nothing happens.

Me: “Wrong… lever.”

My mother-in-law is relentless. When she wants something, she will continue to hound and badger until she gets her way. I swear, I say, “No,” and she hears, “Try again later.”

She once texted me to ask if I wanted to go see a movie with her and her gal pals. I thought about it, but then I looked into the movie. I wasn’t really interested in seeing the movie in the first place but especially not after learning it was nearly three hours long. I texted back.

Me: “Sorry, I’m not really into seeing that movie. I have been thinking about seeing [Other Movie], though, if you’re not dead set on that one.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, we want to see [Long Movie]. Why can’t you come along?”

Me: “I just have no interest in seeing it or sitting for that long.”

Mother-In-Law: “I’ll buy your ticket.”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t want to go.”

An hour goes by. 

Mother-In-Law: “We are thinking about going to dinner before the movie at [Restaurant]. I’ll buy your meal and your ticket if you come to the movie.”

Me: “That’s very nice, but I still don’t want to see [Long Movie].”

Mother-In-Law: “Free everything and you’re still refusing to hang out? You must hate me!”

Me: “I’m just not interested in seeing [Long Movie]. I’ll come to dinner and buy my own meal, though.”

Mother-In-Law: “No. It’s all or nothing.”

Me: “Okay. Have fun!”

Nothing else is said until the day of the movie. [Mother-In-Law] calls me.

Me: “Hello?”

Mother-In-Law: “Where are you? The movie is about to start.”

Me: “Uhh… you mean [Long Movie]? I told you I wasn’t coming.”

Mother-In-Law: “I already bought your ticket!”

Me: “Why? I never agreed to go.”

Mother-In-Law: “I thought you would change your mind. Hurry up and get here.”

Me: “No. I am not coming.”

I hang up. Four calls and seven texts later, she sends a PayPal request for the cost of the ticket she purchased. I reject it and text her back.

Me: “I am not paying you for a ticket I told you I didn’t want. Sell it to someone else or deal with the loss. I am not responsible for this.”

She didn’t reply. Interactions like this are exactly why I struggle to hang out with her.

I am working tech support at a cable company back in the day.

Caller: “What’s the name of that Adam Sandler movie that was on TV last night?”

Me: “I don’t know. I work in technical support. You’ve come through to the technical support line.”

Caller: “Yes, and I technically need support! What was the movie?”

Me: *Naively thinking I can quickly help* “What channel was it on?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “What time?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay… what was it about? Who else was in it?”

Caller: “It was with him and a girl.”

Me: “That’s not a lot to go on.”

Caller: “Oh, also while I have you, who was Julia Robert’s third husband?”

Me: “I can’t help you with any of these. Please call back if you have a technical support question.”

Caller: “Y’all Hollywood, aren’t you?”

Me: “No… this is technical support for [Cable Company].”

Caller: “Yeah, but aren’t y’all all in Hollywood? Go get somebody who knows.”

I explained one more time and then politely hung up. I told my manager about the call, and he wasn’t surprised. Apparently, a lot of callers think the movies shown on the cable channel are made right next door to the call center. Crazy.

Back in the days of video rental stores, I am working a Saturday night and a new big-budget action movie is now available. It’s rated PG-13 for some “moderate action violence” but nothing too crazy.

A mother comes up to the counter with her children. They look excited to see the movie.

Mother: “I’m worried this movie might be a bit violent for my children.”

Me: “I’m no expert and I don’t know your kids, but unless they’re a bit sensitive it should be suitable for most children aged eight and up I’d say.”

Mother: “But they really want to see this movie. Hmm. Do you have it as a PG or G version?”

Me: “Uh… no, ma’am. That movie was released as a PG-13.”

Mother: “Do you have any at the back?”

Me: “…it doesn’t work that way, ma’am. The movie is made by a studio and released as is. We don’t get different versions of it.”

Mother: “Well… could you ask them?”

Me: “You want me, a clerk in a video rental store, to call a major Hollywood studio, to ask them to release a PG edit of their blockbuster movie and send it to this little store in Wyoming, for you to watch with your children tonight?”

Mother: “Is that complicated? I can pick it up from [Store on other side of town] if that’s easier?”

I tried to explain how moviemaking works quickly. She rented the movie. I didn’t hear any complaints.

Related:
Rated R You Serious?!, Part 9
Rated R You Serious?!, Part 8
Rated R You Serious?!, Part 7
Rated R You Serious?!, Part 6
Rated R You Serious?, Part 5