Customer: “Is this movie one of those violent ones?”

(Customer shows me a copy of ‘Stardust’.)

Me: “No, sir, that’s a family fantasy movie.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I thought Sawdust was violent and gory?”

Me: “Sir, you’re thinking of the ‘Saw’ movies. You have a copy of ‘Stardust’, which is completely different.”

Customer: “I was looking for something really disturbing and violent.”

Me: “Well ‘Stardust’ has a scene with Robert De Niro in a dress doing the can-can.”

(Customer mulls this over for a few seconds.)

Customer: “I think you’d better show me where those ‘Saw’ movies are.”

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(A man comes up to the box office with his wife.)

Customer: “Two tickets, please.”

Me: “Sure, what movie?”

(The customer just points at his wife. She does not notice.)

Me: “Uh, sir, I need to know which movie you’d like to see.”

(he continues to just point at his wife.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

Customer: “She’s a Big, Fat, Greek Woman!”

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(A teenage customer and his girlfriend are at the checkout.)

Customer: “Does the original Pride and Prejudice actually have zombies in it?”

Me: “Um, no, but we have Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies, which has zombies.”

Customer: “But the original Pride and Prejudice doesn’t have zombies? It’s like, a love story?”

Me: “Yes. It was written in the 19th century. No zombies.”

Customer: *to his girlfriend* “See, I told you so!”

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(I am selling a replica phone box from the popular show ‘Doctor Who’ on an online auction site. In the show the phone box is actually a time machine/spaceship. I put my number on there so people can call me.)

Caller: “Hi, I was wondering about the replica phone box you are selling. Can it actually fly to other planets and go through time?”

Me: “Afraid not. It’s a replica… It’s fake.”

Caller: “Well, is it as big inside as in the show?”

Me: “No, that’s impossible to do. It’s a TV show so it’s not real.”

Caller: “What? You’re selling a replica? So, it can’t fly to other planets and through time?”

Me: “No one can make it like it is on the show. It’s impossible.”

Caller: “Excuses, excuses! You lying b****! I’m going to report you and sue!” *click*

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Customer: “You ought to be ashamed of yourself! There are kinky things in the family section!”

Me: “I’m sorry, maybe something got incorrectly shelved. If you could just show me?”

Customer: “Here! Look!”

(He grabs a DVD and waves it under my face. It’s an old episode of ‘Doctor Who’ which features the main character blindfolded on the cover.)

Me: “Sir, that is an old children’s show. There’s nothing adult, kinky or otherwise, going on there.”

Customer: “Don’t be ridiculous! I know filth when I see it!”

Me: “I promise you, this is a popular family show in Britain.”

Customer: “Well, no wonder they’re all perverts over there! I demand you remove this from your shelves! You shouldn’t sell these things if you haven’t even seen them!”

Me: “Actually, I have seen it, and I wholeheartedly approve.”

Customer: “Pervert!”