Me: *Gesturing to my left.* “You’re in theater eight. It’s the last one on the right down the hallways this way.”

The customer walks down the hall in the exact opposite direction that I gestured in.

Me: *Gesturing to my left again.* “Excuse me, sir, you’re going the wrong way. As I said, you go down the hallway this way.”

Customer: *Furious.* “This is bull-s***! You told me to go this way! You should really know how to do your job, you know?!”

They storm off in the correct direction.

There was a book I read in school that I hated. I hated it because it was about these two kids who travel to a magical land full of magical creatures, but you never got to see any of them! I don’t mean like in pictures. It would read like this: “They heard something rustling in the bushes and spun around to face it.” You’d turn the page, and it would say, “Three days later. ‘Hey! Remember when we met that creature?” No, I don’t… because you skipped it!

Years later, they made the book into a movie, and I was so excited because, in the trailers, you got to actually see the magical creatures! So, I went with my mum, older brother, and teenage nephew. Sitting behind us were four big biker men in full leather. We started watching the movie, and I was enjoying it… until we got to a scene where the boy was going with his teacher to an art museum.

Me: “Oh… nooooo…”

Mum: “What is it?”

Me: “I just remembered the ending to the stupid book!”

Mum: “What?”

I grabbed a bunch of napkins and handed them to her.

Me: “You’re gonna need this.”

Not long after, the movie ended. I was sobbing. Mum was sobbing and smacking me upside the head (lightly!) and demanding to know why I’d brought her to see it.  My brother and nephew were sobbing. And behind us… all four of the biker men were sobbing into their handkerchiefs.

The movie is banned in our house, as it was deemed too depressing.

A bunch of teens are buying concessions.

Teen #1: *Politely.* “Excuse me, miss. What’s in your popcorn?”

Before I can answer the other teens verbally pounce on him.

Teen #2: “Oh my god, how can you be so dumb!”

Teen #3: “It’s corn, you idiot!”

Me: “Well, yes, corn.”

Teen #2: “Ha! Told you!”

Me: “And sunflower oil…”

Teen #2: “Wait, what?”

Me: “…butter…”

Teen #2: “Wait, stop.”

Me: “…salt…”

Teen #2: “Stop! It’s just corn!”

Me: “…yellow artificial colors number five, which is called Tartrazine according to this list…”

The original teen, vindicated, turns back to me.

Teen #1: *Politely.* “Thank you, I’m not allergic to any of those. A large bucket, please!”

Me: “Of course! I’ll upgrade you to the refill bucket on the house for being so polite!”

Teen #2: “Can I get one too?”

I charged that little f***er full price.

I used to work at a dine-in theater, where you can order food, dessert, alcohol, concessions, etc., all in your seat through a server/waiter and a personal call button.

During the opening week of “Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2”, I had a family of four sit down for their first experience at a DIT. I did my usual greeting and had a great conversation with them about what we do and basically explained the premise of the Dine-In Theater. The dad and mom seemed really nice and really excited to be there and get to order stuff. They took some time to look over the menus, and when I came back, they ordered some appetizers, entrees, and drinks.

We were trained to upsell on appetizers, certain entrees, and alcohol especially. I politely asked the mom if she wanted Grey Goose instead of the house vodka in her Cosmopolitan, and she agreed. The dad stuck to his Jack and Coke. I remember her saying something along the lines of, “Might as well go classy.”

Throughout the movie, they pressed the call button at least six or seven times, each time asking for a refill of her Cosmo and his J&C. Each time, I made sure to say, “You’re sure you want another one?” as company policy went when it comes to guests and alcohol. I should have noticed that they kept saying “refill”, though.

I dropped the check around the Snape memories scene and thought “all was well.” But, by the end of the movie, they were the only ones who hadn’t closed out the check yet.

The movie ended, and the family walked out of the theater. The dad was very angry.

Dad: *Yelling* “Why the h*** is this bill so high?!”

I looked it over.

Me: *Politely* “Sir, I don’t see anything wrong. What charges do you think are wrong?”

Dad: “You charged me for fourteen cocktails, and it should be just two! Those were free refills!”

He started yelling about how he thought the alcoholic drinks were free refills, since under the soft drinks section, there was a “free refills” clause. This idiot thought that meant, “OH, FREE ALCOHOL REFILLS, TOO!” and was now demanding to see my supervisor.

My chill supervisor came over and defused the situation by bulls***ting about how that happened to him his first time there, too, and the family walked away with four free movie vouchers.

The “extra” twelve cocktails got comped, and I got tipped zero on what should have been a $190 bill. I hate people.

Our movie theater, like a lot of others, runs screenings of children’s movies on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Today’s movie is “Toy Story 3”. With a short cartoon plus the movie, the show should take just over two hours, but all of us are surprised when the families start to flow out of the auditorium a little early.

We notice that while no one is crying, a lot of the children are very quiet and look very solemn. One of the parents approaches me.

Parent: “That movie… it’s a little dark.”

Me: “Toy Story 3? It does have some serious subject matter, but the general consensus is that it’s handled in a way that can be handled by most children.”

Parent: “It’s just… that ending. I didn’t think it would end like that.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s bittersweet that Andy grew out of playing with his toys, but at least they have a new little girl who will enjoy them!”

Parent: “That… that isn’t what happened at all. They all died in the incinerator.”

With a slow but all-consuming dread, I am beginning to realize why everyone has left the auditorium early.

Me: “Did… did the movie not continue after that scene?”

Parent: “No, it just faded to black, and then the lights came on. I thought it was strange there were no end credits, but I don’t know much about movies these days…”

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

For those unaware, “Toy Story 3” has a scene as part of the climactic finale where most of the main characters fall into an industrial incinerator. With no way out, they all resign themselves to a fiery death and hold hands as they are slowly drawn toward the fire. It’s an emotional and powerful scene, but it’s lightened by the fact that they do get rescued at the last minute.

At least that’s what our guests should have seen, but I soon discover that the digital movie file linked to our projectors contained an error, and the movie ended at the absolute worst possible moment.

About twenty sad and traumatized children were now in our lobby asking their parents why Woody and Buzz had to die.

My manager had a fantastic time explaining to the families that the movie ended about twenty minutes early, that Woody, Buzz, and Co. were very much still alive, and that they would all be welcome to come back for free to watch it again tomorrow if they wanted to put things right with their kids.

My manager also had an equally fun time giving h*** to our projectionist who didn’t notice that the movie had finished early and just simply turned off the screen and raised the auditorium lights.

I really hope none of those kids needed therapy.