When I was in seventh grade, I had my first “boyfriend”, i.e. we left notes in each other’s lockers and almost held hands once. We went on a date to the movies, and my mom was the chaperone. I was excited because she was going to let us sit separately from her in the theater and I might finally get my first kiss — every twelve-year-old girl’s dream, right?

As we were standing in line for snacks, I heard someone call my name and looked up to see my stepdad, my two stepsisters, my younger sister, and two of her friends entering the theater acting like they had no idea we’d be there. They sat a few rows below us and spent almost the entire movie giggling and staring at us. I was mortified, and my poor date, an extremely shy boy under normal circumstances, looked like he wanted to just disappear.

Nevertheless, we managed to enjoy the movie, and I was certain we were going to kiss. About three-quarters through the movie, however, [Date] suddenly jumped out of his seat and ran from the theater, and I didn’t see him again for the rest of the night. 

It wasn’t until years later that I found out what happened. [Date] got up to go to the bathroom, and once there, he saw a loose tooth was about ready to come out. He wiggled it until it fell out, along with a bit of blood. He was afraid of blood, and the very sight of it made him vomit and pass out. My stepdad grew concerned about how long he was taking, so he went to the bathroom and found [Date] dizzy and semi-conscious. He tried to call the kid’s mom (this was before cell phones were ubiquitous, and service was unreliable), and all the poor boy managed to get out was, “Mom, I’m bleeding—” before the call dropped. Thus ensued a panicked few minutes in which [Date]’s mom drove to the theater and my parents met her and everything got sorted out, while the rest of us sat clueless in the theater.

We “dated” for a few more months before fizzling out. [Date]’s mom works at town hall, and I see her once a year when I go to renew my car’s registration. She brings up this story every time.

[Date] is now married with a baby on the way, and I’m happily gay, so the worst date ever did not traumatize us too severely.

I work in a movie theater. We have a regular who is always a problem when she comes in. She never wants to get her phone app fixed, never understands how the till rings up discounts and assumes we’re not giving her the upsizes or discounts she uses her points for, and always gets upset with how we make her food orders.

Today, she came in and got helped by my coworker. She was already fussy by the time we rang her up. Due to how our system works, my coworker had to ring up her points first before ringing up her concessions. As she was about to pay, my coworker nicely said:

Coworker: “The till that I am on is not a cash till.”

We don’t have all of them with cash in them every day.

Customer: “You should just give me change from another till.”

Coworker: “No, that isn’t possible.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why not.”

Coworker: “This is not a cash till.”

Customer: “Where does it say that?”

[Coworker] pointed to the sign hanging off the till right in her line of view.

Customer: “Well, next time, you should point the sign out to me!”

She did not upsize her concessions (as she originally wanted), said she was running late, and walked off.

A customer approaches me as I am working at the movie theater.

Customer: “I had to leave my movie early last time because of a family emergency. I was wondering if you could do anything. I wasn’t able to get a refund or anything at the time.”

I am willing to give him a pass. He sees the film with who I assume to be his family and that is it.

A few days later, I get a call, but I don’t recognize the voice.

Caller: “Someone threw up on me, and a manager said they’d get call me back and get me passes.”

I can’t confirm which manager told him this, but my general manager says I can give him a free pass. We’ll do it as a benefit-of-the-doubt thing and to avoid causing any issues.

Caller: “I have photo evidence if you want to see it!”

I do not. I become more wary when he says the manager that he talked to would give him a gift card. I know that this is a lie, but I have already told him he can come to see the movie. It is only when he comes in that I notice it is the same guy from before.

I know it’s a scam when he wants to sit next to his friends who are buying tickets

Later, he comes up to me again.

Customer: “I dropped my popcorn. Can I get a new bucket? I don’t want the popcorn from the floor.”

There is no spill to be found. I tell myself I’ll deny this guy if he tries again.

The third time, I know who he is.

Customer: “Can I speak to a manager?”

When I come over, he doesn’t recognize me.

Customer: “I missed my movie yesterday, but a manager said I could get free tickets. I have proof of my old tickets; I could go get them from his car.”

If he has them, he should’ve just brought them in.

Me: “Who was the manager you spoke to?”

Customer: “I can’t remember.”

Me: “Not even a description?”

Customer: “I can’t remember. Who were the managers from that day?”

Me: “That’s not happening.”

Customer: “I’ll go get my tickets to show you.”

He never came back. I do hope he does come back one day so I can call him out on this scam of his.

I work at a small cinema in a small town that belongs to a bigger cinema company here in Germany. Our last movie ends at 10:00 pm. It is about 9:30 pm when this happens, and the caller’s first language is not German.

The phone rings.

Me: “This is cinema [Company], [Town], good evening.”

Caller: “Is this [Company], [Town]?”

Me: “Yes. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Do you have spring rolls?”

Me: “No, sir… we do not have spring rolls here.”

Caller: “Can I come over now and buy spring rolls?”

Me: “We don’t have spring rolls, and the register is already closed for today, so no.”

Caller: “Well, what do you have?”

Me: “Popcorn, nachos, and snacks, like M&Ms or gummy bears.”

Caller: “And do you have spring rolls?”

Me: “This is a cinema; we don’t serve spring rolls.”

Caller: “A cinema… That’s where you can watch movies right?”

Me: “Yes. You can watch movies here.”

Caller: “What can I watch tonight?”

Me: “Nothing anymore tonight; we close in half an hour. But tomorrow, you could watch Der Pfau.”

This is a German production intended for adults but PG-13 rated.

Caller: “What is that about?

I tell him about the plot I saw in the teaser.

Caller: “Is it compelling?”

Translation here is a bit fuzzy; he could have also mean “scary”. I couldn’t tell you which one he meant, but I would lean toward “compelling”. For the German readers, he said, “Spannend.”

Me: “I guess so. I don’t know; I haven’t seen the movie.”

Caller: “Could I bring my child?”

Me: “Depends on how old the child is, but for children about ten and up, we’d have The Three ???.”

Caller: “Is that compelling, or about maths?”

Me: “Well, it’s about three teenagers who solve crimes, so you could watch it as an adult or older child.”

Caller: “Can I bring my son? He’s four.”

Me: “No, he’s definitely too young, but tomorrow morning, we have a movie for young children.”

Caller: “Which one?”

Me: “The Small Mole.”

This is a very popular German TV show for young kids which has been famous for quite a few decades now.

Caller: “Moles… they can fly, right?”

Honest to God, he said it exactly like that. I have to hold back laughter. I’ve already been on the phone with him for about five minutes by now.

Me: “No, moles cannot fly. They’re like… rats with fur.”

In retrospect, I know it’s a s***ty explanation, but I couldn’t think of anything in easy vocabulary.

Caller: “Oh, moles. They live under the earth, right?”

Me: “Yes, exactly.”

Caller: “Is the movie compelling? Will there be any shooting?”

Me: “Sir, it is a children’s movie. There won’t be shooting, and it’ll be interesting enough for your child.”

Caller: “Can I watch Spider-Man in your cinema?”

Me: “No, there is no Spider-Man movie in the cinemas right now, but [Company] cinema in [Big Town close by] has Ant-Man.”

Caller: “Can I watch that now?”

Me: “No, the last movie started at 8:00 pm, and they wouldn’t let you watch that with your child at this time, anyway.”

Caller: “Is Spider-Man on Netflix?”

Me: *Pulling up Netflix on my phone* “Yes, you can watch Spider-Man on Netflix.”

Caller: “And would you know where I can get spring rolls at this hour?”

Me: “You could call [Local Asian Food Delivery Service].”

Caller: “Ah, I see. Well, this call was pointless.”

Then, he hung up on me. The entire call took about ten minutes!

When I was about twenty years old, my friend and I went to see a movie together. When the movie had about fifteen minutes left, it suddenly stopped and the lights came on. The manager came in.

Manager: “I’m very sorry, but unfortunately, we have to cancel the movie today and close. On your way out, there are ticket vendors out front who will give each of you a ticket for a free movie. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

We all got up, grumbling, and headed out. The moment we entered the lobby, we were hit with the smell of smoke, and there was a slight haze in the air. I knew immediately what was wrong.

Friend: “Oh, jeez! How much popcorn did they burn?!”

I leaned over and whispered.

Me: “That’s not burnt popcorn.”

Friend: “Huh? Then what is it?”

Me: *Quietly and calmly* “The building is on fire.”

Friend: “What?! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!“

Me: “Shhhh!”

Friend: “Why aren’t you freaking out?!”

Me: “Couple of reasons. One, we are five steps away from the doors; we’re going to be fine.”

We stepped outside as a few firefighters rushed inside.

Me: “Secondly, you see that firefighter over there? That’s the Captain — and my oldest brother. He’s not panicking, so we’re fine.”

My brothers are sixteen and eighteen years older than me.

Later that evening, I asked my brother about the fire. He got this annoyed look on his face and told me about the conversation he’d had with the manager.

Brother: “You need to evacuate the building — now. We can’t find the flames, but we’re getting a lot of smoke.”

Manager: “Is that really necessary?”

Brother: “What? Yes!”

Manager: “But we’ll lose money. The movies are all going to end in about fifteen minutes. Can’t we wait?”

Brother: “We can’t find the flames! Which means it could be in the walls or higher! The ceiling could come down in fifteen minutes or less and kill everyone!”

That was when the manager begrudgingly shut down the theater.

The theater was fine. They were able to stop the fire, and only one theater screen was damaged in the end. It was not accidental, but I have no idea if they ever caught the arsonist.