(Our theater is privately owned by a man who is somewhere in his early to mid 70s. He is about to leave for the day.)

Owner: “See you next time, [My Name].”

Me: “Okay. Bye.”

(He quickly turns around and heads towards the manager and two other employees who are behind the concession stand.)

Owner: “What’s going on here? Why is everyone standing back here talking when there’s no one ushering or working in the box office?”

Manager: “But [Another Employee] is in the box.”

Owner: “Well, then who’s our usher?”

Manager: “[My Name] is.”

Owner: “Where is he?”

Manager: “He’s standing right behind you.”

(The owner turned around and saw me as I waved at him. We all worry about him sometimes.)

Customer: “Two tickets to see [Film] this evening, please.”

Me: “Of course. Would you like to watch in 2D or 3D?”

Customer: “Oh, I wish you had 4D, too, That would be cool!”

Me: “Well, technically, since films are moving images, our 3D films are 4D. They move through time!”

Customer: “The fourth dimension!”

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(I am working the concessions counter for the evening. It’s been a hectic shift when two customers in their 20s approach me.)

Me: “How can I help today?”

Male Customer: “Hey, yeah, can we get a large popcorn and a small popcorn? And uh, can you do us a favour? This is going to sound really weird…”

Me: “Go for it!”

Male Customer: “Well, uh. My friend and I have been playing jokes on each other for a while, and I was wondering if you could help out?”

Me: “Uh… yeah, sure.”

Male Customer: “Great! Could you uh, put this in the small popcorn and cover it with the popcorn so my friend cant see it?”

(The female customer pulls out a rather large adult toy from her handbag and hands it to me as discreetly as possible – at this point I couldn’t help but laugh or deal with the customer by myself.)

Me: “Hey, uh, [Coworker], do you think this will fit in a small popcorn bag?”

(My coworker walks over looking mortified.)

Coworker: “If you want to successfully hide that, I would really suggest a large popcorn.”

Male Customer: “Okay! Change the small to a large please!”

(I took the object behind the counter so no one could see and filled up the bag as requested and processed their order.)

Woman Customer: “I’m really sorry. They’ve been doing this for a while now.”

Me: *still laughing at this point* “No, no, it’s okay. This is probably the best thing to happen whilst working here. I hope it turns out all right!”

(After they left my coworker and I had to take a moment to stop laughing and then we had to tell other coworkers and supervisors about it. To this day, I still don’t know if it was against policy or if a manager saw, but those two customers made that shift so much better!)

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(Unfortunately, customers often receive gift cards from another popular chain of movie theaters as gifts, as they are sold in retail stores as preloaded gift cards. So we often get this sort of thing.)

Customer: “Two for [Movie], please!”

(The customer places a gift card for our competitor on the register.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are [Theater], not [Competitor], so I cannot accept this card.”

Customer: “You’re kidding, right? My grandma got this for me! It says right on it ‘cinemas.’ See?”

(Shoves gift card in my face.)

Customer: “CIN-E-MAAAAS. Right there. And it’s all going to the movie company anyway, so you should take it.”

Me: “I can’t accept gift cards for another theater. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because your grandma paid money to our competitor for this gift card, and you’d be getting tickets from us for free.”

Customer: “But the movie company will pay you back.”

Me: “That’s not how this works, sir.”

Customer: “Give me the number for the movie company.”

Me: “I don’t have that, sir.”

Customer: “Yes, you do! They pay you to work here. Give me the number of the movie company!”

Me: “[Theater] pays me to work here. I can give you their corporate number if you wish.”

Customer: “Yes! GOD!”

(I give him the number to corporate and proceed to hear him yelling into the phone that he wanted to speak to ‘Steven Spielberg or Michael Bay or one of those guys.’ The worst part? Just to shut him up, they authorized a free replacement gift card for him, which I was forced to honor at that time, and the whole time the man was mumbling about how he was right and ‘at least the directors understood him.’)

(The year is 1998. The South Park movie just came out and tons of kids attempting to sneak in to see it. I’m now seeing a mother and son.)

Mother: “Hey, I’d like two tickets for South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut please.”

(I look at the son, who appears to be no older than five years old.)

Me: “Um… ma’am. I’d hate to inform you, but this movie is not suitable for your child as it’s rated-R.”

Mother: “Why not?”

Me: “First off, even though it’s a cartoon, it’s NOT made for kids as it’s filled with swearing, offensive humor, and general themes not appropriate for kids. Second, South Park is well known by many parents throughout the state for its controversy.”

Mother: “I don’t care. It’s a cartoon, so it’s for kids.”

Kid: “Yeah! Adults are too old for cartoons.”

Me: *sigh* “Enjoy the show…”

(20 minutes later, the parent shows up again with her kid, visibly angry.)

Mother: “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS WASN’T A KIDS’ MOVIE?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I told you explicitly that this wasn’t for kids, but you ignored me as ‘cartoons are only for kids.'”

Kid: “MOM! TAKE ME BACK TO THE F****** MOVIE, YOU UNCLE F********!”

Mother: “You do not use that language with me, [Kid]! GET ME THE MANAGER NOW!”

Me: “Okay!”

Manager: “What’s the problem here, [My Name]?”

Me: “This woman is rather mad here?”

Manager: “Okay, what’s up?”

Mother: “This movie was not suitable for my child!”

Manager: “Which one?”

Son: “TAKE ME BACK TO WATCH THE F****** SOUTH PARK F****** MOVIE, MOMMY!”

Manager: “I think that answers my question. Ma’am, I believe [My Name] did tell you that this movie is not suitable for your child.”

Mother: “It’s a d*** cartoon. It should be for kids only. That’s made to corrupt the youth!” *she then hits the manager with her purse*

Manager: “Ma’am, please refrain from unruly behavior.”

(She then punches me in the face, and starts to harass me verbally.)

Manager: “I’ve had enough. GET OUT!”

Mother: “Why the h*** should I?! Give me back my f****** money, b****!”

Manager: “You’re harassing us and you’ve hurt my employee. Now get out or else I’ll call the police and you will be banned from the theater!”

Mother: “I think you’re mistaken.”

(She then attacked other customers. We called the police and she was arrested. She was sentenced to a month in jail.)