(A man bursts out of the theater playing an R-rated movie about 20 minutes into it, with a five- to seven-year-old kid.)

Customer: “I was just inside watching [Movie] and was shocked at what I saw on the screen. This is not appropriate for a young child!”

(I look at the little boy in tow and am somewhat surprised that they were allowed in by the staff, but also know we can’t keep some people out if they’re not disruptive.)

Me: “You took a young boy in to see [Movie]?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “So you know these are violent movies?!”

Customer: “You should have a sign or something on the poster warning people of the violence.”

Me: “I assure you, sir, we do!”

(He looks at me funny and I tell him to follow me. I take him to the lobby, bring him over to the poster, and point out the R-rating posted on the poster.)

Me: “There it is, right there, sir! “Not recommended for audiences under 17.” There’s your warning.”

(He sputters and his face gets even more red than it already was.)

Customer: “That’s not enough! You should personally make another, larger sign of warning and place it next to the poster!”

Me: “I’m not going to do that. Consider yourself an educated customer, for you learned something today about personal responsibility. See that you never forget it.”

(I fully expected him to demand a refund, which I would have given him, but he sputtered again angrily and left the lobby in a huff. It still amazes me how some parents expect strangers to protect their kids from certain things when the parents themselves aren’t willing to step up.)

(This area has a big Hispanic population. I speak a tiny bit of Spanish but I’m terrible at it and forget words all the time. The following takes place in Spanish.)

Customer: *in Spanish* “Are you showing Planet of the Apes at 1:30 pm? It said it was, online.”

Me: *crappy Spanish* “Yes, we have that movie. It is first movie at 1:30 pm and second movie at 3:30 pm.”

Customer: “Oh! Okay. It isn’t on your sign.”

Me: *crappy Spanish* “I am sorry. It is a problem this week. The computers are… are…” *realizing I can’t remember the word for “broken” in Spanish* “…s***. The computers are s***.”

Customer: “S***?”

Me: “…Yes.”

(Pause.)

Me: “I do not remember the Spanish word for…” *in English* “Broken.”

Customer: “It’s ‘roto’, but ‘s***’ is a good word, too.”

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(I pick up the phone at my work.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Local Movie Theater]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, yes, I was wondering if you guys had a concession stand at your theater?”

Me: “Of course we do.”

Customer: “Well, do you guys sell popcorn there?”

Me: “Y- Yes…?”

Customer: “Okay, thank you. Have a good day.”

(I go to see ‘Castaway’ with a friend. This happened during the night scene on the raft where a whale shows up. A couple rows back, I hear a mother quietly exclaim:)

Mom: “Oh, no! It’s a shark!”

Daughter: *probably 10-ish, whispers* “No, mom, that’s a whale.”

Mom: “No, honey, I’m pretty sure it’s a shark.”

Daughter: “Mom, it’s a whale. The tail is sideways.”

Mom: “Are you sure it isn’t a shark?”

Daughter: “Yes, Mom. It’s a whale.”

(My friend and I were silently giggling the whole time and still laugh about it 15 years later.)

(The movie has just ended and the only couple in attendance stay in their seats and continue watching the credits. Note: we only show one movie per night, so when it’s over we try to hurry and clean up so we can leave. For some reason the credits stop about five seconds early.)

Customer: “Excuse me! Why were the credits just cut off? That’s not where they were supposed to end and that was a beautiful song!!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, ma’am. The projector runs until the movie is over, so I think that’s where the reel ended.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t! I’m a musician and that was a beautiful song and I’m going to talk to the owner about what you guys did tonight! That was so rude to such an amazing work of art!”

Me: “Again, ma’am, I’m very sorry. I can see why you’re upset but I really think it was just the projector.”

Customer: “Well, I’m still mad about it. And the ventilation system in here is too loud! I could barely hear the movie! And these carpets are getting so worn; you really need to replace them!”

Me: *as couple walks out* “Yeah, I’m the janitor but I’ll get right on ordering new carpeting…”

(Afterwards my supervisor thanked me for getting rid of her and apologized because it was him who cut the credits short thinking it would make them leave sooner. Oops!)