I work in my town’s small local cinema. We never really get many customers due to the big multiplex in the next town over, so most of the time it’s just me manning the floor by myself.

Out the front of the cinema is a board with all of the (limited number of) films we are showing, as well as times, and everything you’d expect to see.

A customer studies the board for a whole ten minutes before walking in and coming up to me.

Customer: “So, what have you got on today?”

It took me a bit of mental willpower not to say, “What the f*** were you looking at for ten solid minutes?!”

It is 1997 and I am working at a movie theater. Customers are coming out of a screening of “Titanic”. Two teenage girls are crying. I lock eyes with them.

Me: “Yeah, it’s a pretty sad movie.”

Teenager #1: “Yeah, soooo sad. Why did they write it so that the ship sank? Why did they do it like that?”

Teenager #2: “Yeah, I wouldn’t have put that in.”

Me: “Well, I guess they didn’t have a choice if they wanted it to be historically accurate.”

Both teenagers look at me in horror.

Teenager #1: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well… they can’t really rewrite history in the movie. It sank in real life, so…”

Teenager #2: “Wait, the Titanic was real?!“

Me: “Uh… yeah?”

Teenager #1: “And it really sank?!“

Me: *Knowing where this is going* “Uh…”

The two girls started crying even more (although blessedly in silence) and slowly wandered toward the exit, holding each other, their faces full of tragic despair.

Sadly, this level of ignorance regarding history is more common than you realize, if these other 11 Stories About Customers With Hilariously Bad Knowledge Of History is anything to go by!

It’s a Thursday night. There is a terrible winter storm that started around noon and could end up dumping several feet of snow on us by Friday night. By 5:00 pm, about half the staff has had to call off because the roads are unsafe, and the staff that is working is getting worried about getting home safely because it’s the opening night of a big movie, and we won’t be able to leave until after midnight since the last show goes in at 11:00 pm — especially several staff members who have to rely on rideshares and cabs.

By 6:00 pm, it’s terrible outside, and we’re being inundated with calls from customers asking if they can bring their tickets in on a later date to see the movie since they don’t want to drive. We’re obviously saying yes because nobody should be out in the weather.

By 6:45 pm, roughly 90% of the tickets we have sold have been canceled online or over the phone. Around 7:00 pm, my manager talks to his boss and is given the go-ahead to cancel every show after 7:45 pm so the staff can try to get home safely and only a manager will have to stay, especially since there are essentially no people coming into those times anyway due to the weather.

We stick signs up on every single door explaining that we’re closed due to the weather, and alerts are sent out online to anyone who still had tickets.

Right as we’re about to lock doors around 8:00 pm, a car pulls up into the parking lot, sliding all over the place in the snow and slush for a solid minute, losing control several times. A guy in his forties gets out and wanders in, COVERED in snow from the thirty seconds he was outside, ignoring all of the signs on the door. He wanders up to the box office, where my coworker is in the process of closing out the register.

Customer: “I’m gonna need four tickets to the 11:00 pm [New Release].”

Employee: “Unfortunately, we are actually closing in just a minute due to the weather. The conditions are terrible outside, and we’ve had to cancel the rest of the shows for the night so the staff can try to get home safely.”

Customer: “Oh, f*** you! I drove in just fine! It’s nothing! My kids need to see [New Release] tonight!”

I almost laugh at the “I drove in just fine! It’s nothing!”, as we literally just saw him nearly spin out about a half-dozen times just trying to park in a near-empty lot.

Employee: “Unfortunately, sir, the call has already been made, and I cannot sell you tickets for that showtime. They’ve even removed it from the schedule.”

Customer: “Well, I’m seeing [New Release] tonight at 11:00.”

Employee: “Uh, no, sir, you are not.”

Customer: *Narrowing his eyes and growling* “I ain’t leaving until you sell me tickets, f***-o!”

Employee: “Sorry, but I literally cannot do that.”

Customer: “Manager! Now!”

My coworker leaves to get a manager. The guy turns and looks at me and gives me a look and a shrug as though I’d agree with him.

Customer: “Stupid f****** kid can’t sell me tickets. Can ya believe it?”

Me: “Well, yeah, because we’re closing in a minute due to the weather.”

Customer: “Oh, for f***’s sake? You, too?!”

He begins ranting under his breath. About thirty seconds later, my manager walks up to him, while a supervisor walks by and begins locking the front doors, which makes them one-way — you can get out but you can’t get in.

Manager: “Yeah, we’re officially closed now. We can’t sell you tickets.”

Customer: “I ain’t steppin’ one foot out of this theater until you sell me a f****** ticket. My kids need to see [New Release] tonight!”

Manager: “You’re seriously going to bring your kids to see a movie at 11:00 pm on a school night in the middle of a horrible winter storm? Get out of my theater, please.”

Customer: “Hmmph!”

The customer turned and stormed back outside, and we watched him awkwardly try to drive away, at one point losing control and ending up halfway over a small curb. He finally made it out of the parking lot after another thirty seconds of awkwardly trying to correct his car and sliding more than once.

We got our closing duties done in record time and were all set to leave by 8:40 pm. It normally takes me about ten minutes to get a rideshare and another ten minutes to get home… but that night, it took me nearly thirty minutes to get a rideshare due to the lack of drivers and about another thirty minutes to get home because we couldn’t take a lot of the roads and had to drive at a snail’s pace the entire time.

Related:
A Storm Of Protest, Part 3
A Storm Of Protest, Part 2
A Storm Of Protest

I get a call at the box office. The caller sounds like they’re in their forties to fifties.

Caller: “I need tickets for [Movie] for next week. I’m gonna need two. It’s for my parent’s fiftieth anniversary! Do you have them available?”

Me: *Checking the schedule* “Yes, we do have tickets on sale for that.”

Caller: “Okay, lemme order them over the phone.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we cannot take ticket orders over the phone at this location. But you are more than welcome to come in and purchase them, or you can purchase them online.”

Caller: “Ugh. Okay. So, what are the showtimes for next week? My parents will be in Vegas, so I want to get them ahead of time.”

Me: “Wait… what?”

Caller: “I wanna come in and buy tickets for your location in Las Vegas for my parents.”

Me: *Confused* “Las Vegas… like in Nevada?”

Caller: *Slightly taken aback and annoyed.* “Yeah… did I stutter?”

Me: “I think you somehow got the wrong number. This is a movie theater location in upstate New York.”

Caller: *Very firm* “Yes… I know. I live down the street. And you’re going to sell me tickets to your location in Las Vegas!”

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry… but I can’t do it. I can sell tickets for this location — not locations on the other side of the country.”

Caller: *Now furious* “How hard can that be?! Honestly?!”

Me: “Well, considering I only have access to this theater’s showtimes… it’s impossible.”

Caller: “It’s ridiculous! I should be able to come in and buy tickets for any theater in any state in any country!”

Me: “It’s never worked that way in the ten years I’ve been here, nor was it that way in the fifteen years I came to this theater before I was an employee. That’s just not a thing at this theater.”

Caller: “I demand you sell me Vegas tickets!”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry, but it’s actually impossible for me to do that.”

Caller: “You’re ruining my parents’ fiftieth anniversary… I hope you know that!”

Me: “Might I suggest you try ordering the tickets online? That would be your best bet.”

Caller: *Shouting* “How will my parents get the tickets, then, huh?!”

Me: “You could forward the confirmation email or text to them.”

Caller: “They don’t text or use computers!”

Me: “You could also print it off and hand it to them before they go to Vegas.”

Caller: “I can’t do that! They live in Texas!”

Me: *Long pause* “So, let me get this straight… You’re calling a theater in New York… to buy tickets for your parents who live in Texas… to go see a movie in Las Vegas next week? How were you planning on getting them the tickets if they live in Texas?”

Caller: “Well, saying it like that just makes me sound stupid!”

Me: “Again, I’d suggest you order the tickets online. All of our locations are on the website. You could just call them and give them the confirmation number to give to the other theater.”

Caller: “Well, I’m not paying an online ticket fee when you could just sell them to me.”

Me: “I can’t sell them to you. Unless you want to try calling the theater in Vegas…”

Caller: “I will not! I got you on the phone! It’s your responsibility to make the customer happy!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you’ve basically put yourself in a box. I can’t help you. You just told me you won’t call the theater you want tickets for. And you won’t buy tickets online.”

Caller: “I demand the service I want!“

Me: “And I cannot reasonably provide that.”

Caller: “Give me a manager! Now!”

I grab a manager and she takes the call. She’s just confused as I am when the caller explains their plan… and then quickly loses patience when they begin screaming at her so loudly on the phone that I can hear every word they say. There is screaming for about a full minute before my manager gives up.

Manager: “Look, I’m sorry, but buying the tickets online is your best bet. We cannot sell them to you here. That’s just not how it works.”

Caller: *Screaming* “I won’t pay the online ticket fee, you b****!”

Manager: “Do not swear at me. You could sign up for a rewards card; that’ll waive the fee.”

Caller: *Screaming* “I won’t! I want you to sell them to me, moron!”

Manager: *Bluntly* “Well, I’m sorry to say it… but I guess you’re just s*** outta luck!”

Caller: “Pfft! Good luck staying in business, you stupid f****** b****!”

Manager: “We’re actually one of the biggest theater chains in the world. I think we can live without one a**hole’s money.”

My manager slammed the phone down.

I work at a very small theater. Since we have very limited space, we pretty much only carry the biggest movies — blockbusters and the like — and never get things like limited releases, documentaries, etc.

A woman in her fifties comes up to me.

Customer: “Are you getting [Movie]?”

Me: “Hmm, I’ve never heard of that one. Do you know when it was supposed to come out?”

Customer: “It’s a limited release, but I just know you’re going to get it because God told me!”

Me: “Ah, well, if it’s a limited release, we probably won’t get it. We have limited screens and usually only get the widest releases.”

Customer: “But [Movie] is important! It’s the new documentary from [Iranian-American alt-right conspiracy theorist], and it’s about how the election was stolen from [Former US President]! God told me that you’d be getting this documentary!”

Me: “Unfortunately, as I said, we typically don’t get those types of limited-release films or documentaries. We just don’t have the space.”

Customer: “Ack! You godless Jews WILL GET THE MOVIE! I AM A GOOD CHRISTIAN WOMAN AND GOD TOLD ME SO!”

Me: “…Well, I’m sorry, but we probably won’t.”

Customer: “Pfft! So much for freedom of speech!”

She turns and starts to walk away, and then she turns back.

Customer: “I hope [Former US President] kills you first when he takes back the office from Satan.”

Me: “That’s very Christian of you, ma’am, thank you.”

She wandered away. Thankfully, she was the only person who came in asking about that movie.

Related:
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 3
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 2
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets