(I call my insurance company to know the procedure to file a claim. The mailing address with my file is my mother’s address, as she’s the one paying for it. I live twelve hours away from my mother.)

Me: “…And how do I get the forms to fill out?”

Employee: “You’re going to have them by mail in a few days.”

Me: “Can you send them to a different address than the one listed in my file? I don’t currently live there.”

Employee: “I already sent it, so I can’t do anything about it.”

Me: “Couldn’t you send it again to a different address? I really can’t get there to pick up the forms. It’s a twelve-hour road trip for me.”

Employee: *pissed off* “No! Go download it!”

Me: “I didn’t find it on your website. Can you tell me how to access it exactly?”

Employee: “Search better!”

Me: “Uh… thanks for your help. Can you tell me how much money I’m going to have for the hospitalization and the days without working afterward?”

Employee: “Five days or less. It’s at three times five, and ten days or less, so it’s at two times three.”

Me: “…Huh?”

Employee: “Do you need an example to understand better?!”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Employee: *very unpleasant* “Goodbye and have a nice day!” *hangs up*

(There’s a power blackout while I am being checked out of a convenience store. My purchase is $27.15 and I have just handed the young lady at the till $40.00.)

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but the power is off and I can’t make change.”

Me: “I gave you $40, so you owe me $12.85.”

Cashier: “As if!”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Cashier: “How do you know?”

Me: “I did it in my head.”

Cashier: “Yeah, right!”

(At this point, the manager comes up and asks what the problem is.)

Cashier: “The bill is $27.15 and he gave me $40.00, but the power is out and I can’t figure the change. He tells me that it’s $12.85.”

Manager: “It is.”

Cashier: “How do you know?!”

Manager: “I did it in my head.”

Cashier: “As if!”

Manager: “Go stock the shelves…”

(The manager turns to me and shrugs apologetically.)

Manager: “She’s starting university this term in Engineering. Any bets on how long that lasts?”

Caller: “Your website sucks. I can’t even get last month’s statement!”

Me: “I’d be more than happy to help, sir. You can definitely obtain last month’s statement.”

Caller: “No, I can’t! I looked everywhere. Your website is the worst bank website I’ve ever seen!”

Me: “I’ll show you exactly where you need to go, sir. You can obtain last month’s statement by—”

Caller: “Even [Other Bank] and [Another Bank] have better websites than you! This is absolutely ridiculous!”

Me: “Like I said, sir, we do have last month’s statement on our website. You can even see your statement from years ago.”

Caller: “No, you can’t! Your website sucks! You should have last month’s statement!”

Me: “If you can humour me, sir, please log in.”

Caller: “Fine, I’ve logged in. You see?! I don’t see last month’s statement anywhere!”

Me: “So you’re currently on the home page, sir?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “Okay, now please click on “Last Statement”, which is right in the middle of the page.”

Caller: *clicks the link and stays totally silent*

Me: “Did you need help looking up anything else?”

Caller: “Your website still sucks!”

(I work at a spa with a lot of elderly regulars. There is a rumor that some are Freemasons. A conversation with a coworker about Freemasons turns into this.)

Coworker: “Remember that video we saw last time, the one with the news anchors blinking out lizard eyes and stuff?”

Me: “Yeah, I remember that. It’s pretty dumb. I mean, lizard people from space trying to infiltrate and take over our planet? Come on!”

Coworker: “I know, right? It’s totally demons.”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, demons! You know, like when you get high enough in the Freemason ranks you get possessed by demons. I think some of the guys here may be one of them!”

(I’m a cashier at a coffee chain. Our location is popular so the line is usually long. I overhear the following conversation between two customers.)

Customer #1: “Why is the line in this place always so long?! I’ll never understand it!”

Customer #2: “Well, sir, do you like coffee?”

Customer #1: “Of course! Why else would I be here?”

Customer #2: “Well, could it be possible that there are other people who like coffee as well?”

Customer #1: “Oh. Right.”