Try Not To Do That, Deer

, , , , | Romantic | March 1, 2019

(My husband and I make arrangements to buy a used SUV to replace our current one. We’re driving home in the current vehicle, with an appointment to switch vehicles the next weekend.)

Husband: “So, we’re done with the paperwork for the [new SUV]. What happens if we wreck this SUV in the meantime?”

Me: “Well, we’re still insured for this one. We’d have to report to [Insurance Company] and do the deductible and so forth. Big pain, but I’m sure it happens.”

Husband: “We’ll try really hard not to do that.”

(Less than two miles later, my husband spots three deer by the side of the road, and watches them. I’m looking straight ahead and I see the fourth deer — literally a deer in the headlights — in the middle of the road.)

Me: “Watch out! Deer in the road!”

(My husband brakes like mad and swerves around the deer, muttering various expletives. We miss the deer, which finally moves across and off the road.)

Husband: “What did we just say about trying hard not to do that?”

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Not The Hoopiest Of Froods

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2019

(I work in the pharmacy department of a large national retailer. It is important to note that there are a couple of registers at the pharmacy counter, which are usually only used by customers who are picking up medications, but can be used to check out customers with non-pharmacy related products, as well. A customer approaches me with a single bath towel in his hand.)

Customer: “I need to cash out.”

Me: “Certainly. They can help you at the pharmacy counter.”

Customer: “No, I want to cash out!”

Me: “Of course, sir. The cashiers in the pharmacy can certainly help you; you don’t need to be picking up a prescription to use the registers.”

Customer: *starting to act very agitated* “No! I just want to cash out!”

Me: *wondering if I’m misunderstanding what he’s saying* “Um, are you asking where to pay for your towel?”

Customer: *clearly upset now* “I just want to get this towel and take it home so that I can use it to dry off after my shower!”

(I am more than a little worried because this conversation doesn’t seem normal.)

Me: “Okay, either you can pay for the towel at the pharmacy registers, or I can show you where the front registers are. You are welcome to check out at either location.”

Customer: “Clearly you’re having a bad day! Fine! I’m just going to go. I’m having a bad day, too!”

(I was completely confused about what had just happened, and then the pharmacist, who must have seen at least the last part of the exchange, called me to the pharmacy. I was sure I was in trouble, but she explained that she actually knew him and that he was suffering from a form of dementia. He had come shopping with his aide, but at some point, they had gotten separated. In the end, I was able to find her and reunite them. A happy ending, although I don’t know if he ever got his towel or not. I hope so, because a towel is just about the most massively useful thing a traveler can have.)

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Tongs Of Joy

, , , , | Romantic | February 17, 2019

(Earlier in the day I watched a popular de-cluttering television show. Now, I am attempting to cook in my mother-in-law’s kitchen and failing miserably because I can’t find anything.)

Me: “Arrrgh!”

Husband: “Hun? What’s wrong?”

Me: “Your mom has so much junk in these drawers that I can’t even open them!”

Husband: “I know, and you know, she blames it on the grandkids!”

Me: “Seriously?! Who needs this many sets of tongs?!”

Husband: “Yeah…”

Me: “That’s it. I’m going to sit your mom down and make her hold each pair of tongs and tell me which ones bring her joy!”

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Divorcing Yourself From Your TV

, , , , , | Right | November 25, 2018

(I work for a large TV provider in their billing department.)

Customer: “All of my TVs are showing [common error code that comes up for a variety of reasons].”

Me: “Well, that’s definitely something I can help with. Can I get your phone number so I can bring up your account?”

(I verify account information and see the account status is disconnected.)

Me: “It seems your account is disconnected; give me a moment to read some of the notes and see if I can’t find out what’s going on.”

Customer: “That’s weird. I just paid the bill and everything.”

Me: “I don’t see a balance due, so we definitely received the payment.”

(I begin explaining as I’m reading the notes, which in hindsight is a terrible idea.)

Me: “It looks here like a woman called in earlier and requested the disconnect for… oh.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “The note says she turned it off as part of a… divorce?”

(There is a long pause, where I can almost hear his heart breaking at the news.)

Customer: “W-what? I had no idea. That’s what it says?”

Me: “I’m so sorry. That’s what the previous rep said in their note.”

Customer: “She didn’t say anything. I can’t believe it. You sure that’s what it says?”

Me: “That’s all it says.” *awkward pause* “If you’d like, I can reactivate the account, or you can call back later. Whatever works for you; we are available 24/7.”

Customer: “Yeah, I’ll just call back later when I figure this out.”

Me: “I’m so sorry.”

Customer: “Don’t be. You didn’t know. Thanks for your help.”

(To the customer: prior notes on the account showed you were a pretty nice guy and treated my fellow reps well. I am truly sorry about how I ham-fistedly broke the news of the divorce, and I hope you found someone more worthy of your affections!)

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Will Never Look Back Again

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2018

(I work on the retail side of a pharmacy, usually stocking shelves or helping customers. One day a young lady, maybe 19 or 20, approaches me, clearly embarrassed.)

Customer: *whispering* “Do you have, um, like, douches, but, um, for, like, the…” *I can now barely hear her* “…butt?”

Me: *stifling laughter* “Enema. The word you’re looking for is ‘enema,’ and yes, over this way.”

(I will forever call them “butt douches” from now on.)

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