Touché, Part Deux

, , , | | Right | May 16, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to know why I received a late fee on my statement?”

Me: “Let me check for you… I do apologize, sir. Your payment was received 15 days after the due date, which caused the fee.”

Customer: “I see. Can you remove it?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no. You have had three removed this year already. This fee will not be removed.”

Customer: “What do you mean you won’t remove the f****** fee?! I always pay on time!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What, are you stupid? Your god-d*** mother not educate you? Are you some kind of bank Nazi? Remove my fee!”

Me: “As I stated, this fee is valid and will not be removed.”

(This went on for about four to five minutes, his requests heavily sprinkled with profanity and insults.)

Customer: “Fine, you know what? You can take this g0d-d*** mo****-f****** Visa card and shove it up your god-d*** mo****-fu***** a**!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. My a** only accepts American Express.” *click*

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Thomas Jefferson, Colonial Hippie

, , , , , | | Right | April 28, 2008

(A lady wants to make a credit card payment with a temporary check, which is not accepted at the store I work at. It goes all the way up to the top manager in the store and the exchange of words is glorious:)

Manager: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, this lady told me you can’t accept temporary checks?”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am. Unfortunately in the past we’ve had trouble cashing those checks. It’s nothing against you personally, but based on past problems we can’t accept temporary checks.”

Customer: “So let me get this straight? You treat everyone exactly the same way?”

Manager: “Uh… yes.”

Customer: “Well, if this place isn’t run by a bunch of stupid liberals!”

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That’s Assuming If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood

, , | | Right | April 2, 2008

(This was my last week at a very lousy sales job working for a major jewelry manufacturer that deals exclusively with jewelers on a screened account basis.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Manufacturer]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a price check on a diamond.”

(We go through a drawn out process of finding the stone he wants: a large carat, high grade diamond. I quote him the price in the system.)

Customer: “That can’t be right! That’s too expensive!”

Me: “It’s the price I have in the system, sir. If you like, we can look for a different piece?”

Customer: “NO! It has to be that one! Are you sure that’s the right price?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Are you absolutely certain?”

Me: “Absolutely, sir.”

Customer: “And that’s in dollars, right?”

(At this point, I’m fed up and not really concerned with whether I get fired or not at this point. I answer in my most sincere deadpan.)

Me: “No, sir. That’s in woodchucks. We deal exclusively in fresh, live woodchucks.”

(I hear a bark of laughter from one of the call monitoring agents on the next row, which gets even louder when the customer asks if I’m serious.)

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The Da Vinci Code 3: Running Out Of Conspiracies

, , | | Right | March 24, 2008

(The store’s power went out one day so we were using a pocket calculator to figure out totals and writing up paper receipts.)

Customer: “I’m not ready to pay yet, but can you tell me what I will owe?”

(I punch some numbers into the calculator, which returns 26.595.)

Me: “Your total will be $26.59.”

(When the customer comes back to pay, the power has just come back on and our computer system is up and running so I enter her purchase information.)

Me: “Okay, the total comes to $26.60.”

Customer: “You told me $26.59 before.”

Me: “Oh yeah, it’s because it was something like 26.595 and I just truncated the number instead of rounding it, but the computer rounds automatically.”

Customer: “I find it very interesting that it would round in favor of itself.”

Me: “Um, that’s just how rounding works. If it had been 26.594 it would have rounded down.”

Customer: “I just find it very interesting that the customer loses out on this.”

Me: “…”

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Fax Me A Pizza While You’re At It

, , | | Right | March 10, 2008

(After customer made copies of several $100 dollar bills on a self-serve copier.)

Customer: “I need to send this money.”

Me: “Err–what did you need to do?”

Customer: “I need to send this money to my son. What’s it called? Fax it!”

Me: “…I’ll ring you up for these copies. There’s a Western Union next door.”

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