My husband and I are renting an apartment. When we signed contracts, there was an option to pay either online or through check. Online had a 3% convenience fee, which was about $35 a month, but paying with a check didn’t. We opted to pay with checks.

I go to pay for the upcoming month.

Me: “Hi there. I am here to pay next month’s rent.”

The employee at the desk pulls up our account, makes a face, and shoves a paper across the table to me. 

Employee: “I need you to sign this.”

Me: “What’s this?”

Employee: “We’re creating an account for you and moving your payments online so we don’t have to keep going to the bank to deposit your checks.”

I glance through the paper and see that there’s still the convenience fee. 

Me: “Are you willing to waive the convenience fee?”

Employee: “No. You will need to pay that.”

Me: “No, thanks. We’ll continue to pay with checks.”

Employee: “We want to move everyone to online payments for our convenience.”

Me: “It’s more convenient for me to walk down here and save $35 every month. Unless you are able to waive the fee, I’m not signing up for online payments.”

She wasn’t pleased, and we went back and forth a little until I reminded her that in the contract we signed, only we could change how our payments were made; the apartment complex could not make the changes for us. I can’t say they were all that happy to see us when we went in to pay our rent and ask for receipts for the remainder of our time living there. I’m glad we never signed up for online payments because their reviews had many people complaining about extra withdrawals and continuing to be charged for rent after moving out.

I have a common English name (like John Smith) that has led to some interesting stories over the years. To avoid confusion, and for security, I always use my middle initial when signing legal documents, i.e., John B. Smith instead of John Smith, or my full name, John [Middle Name] Smith.

Story #1: I am driving home from work and listening to the news on the radio.

Announcer: “Breaking news! John Smith who lives in [My City] has just won a groundbreaking legal decision in his favor.”

By the time I get home fifteen minutes later, I have sixteen messages on my answering machine from reporters for ABC News, NBC News, CBS News, the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, etc. I don’t respond to the messages and let them figure it out.

Story #2: I get a bill from a collection agency wanting me to pay $8,000 for some jewelry that “I” recently bought in San Francisco. I live 400 miles away in Los Angeles and haven’t been to San Francisco in two years. I ignore the bill because it is not my debt.

What follows next are more bills demanding payment and threatening phone calls from the collection agency. 

Collection Agency #1: “We know it is you, and you’d better pay us, or we will destroy your credit rating! How about we settle for $6,000?”

At one point, the agency wants me to verify my SSN (my US government ID number) with what they have in their records, BUT I have to tell them my SSN FIRST to see if it matches. (Not happening!)

Every time I tell them “No!”, the settlement price drops until it is down to $1,000. I call a lawyer to see what my options are. He tells me to just pay it or else they will ruin my credit rating.

Me: “Your advice is to just pay them the $1,000 so they will leave me alone? That sounds like extortion to me.”

I ignored my lawyer’s STUPID advice. I never gave that collection agency a dime, and my credit rating didn’t suffer.

Story #3: Another collection agency contacts me about a $20,000 bank loan that is in default. Again, this is not my debt but a fraudulent loan taken out in my very common name. My legal signature always includes my middle initial, (John B. Smith). This loan was taken out by a person using the name John Smith, who lived in a different city than me.

On the phone with the agency representative, I ask him to show me some proof that it is my signature on the loan papers. His reply makes me laugh because he acts like that’s a VERY unusual request.

Collection Agency #2: “You want to see your signature on the loan papers? I don’t have access to those documents.”

I eventually got three copies of the checks written on the loan, and you didn’t have to be a handwriting expert to figure out that they were written by three different people. Not one of them matched my writing or my signature.

I didn’t pay that agency $20,000, and my credit rating never suffered.

Our diner gets a lot of old people. I’m taking orders at a table.

Customer: “I’ll have liver with bacon and onions.”

Me: “We serve it with bacon or onions; if you want both, you have to pay fifty cents extra.”

Customer: *Shocked* “When my son cooks it for me, he cooks it with both bacon and onions and doesn’t make me pay anything.”

Me: “…then go to your son’s house, please?”

I admit I answered without thinking — long day — but she only “harrumphed” and ended up paying.

An elderly man and his wife come in and order a glass of wine each, a full rack of ribs each, and dessert. Obviously, as in any restaurant, the prices are on full display for everything you purchase, but the man takes one look at his bill…

Customer: “No, that price is way too high!”

He then tries to argue with me about what items on the menu SHOULD cost. After trying to be polite and explaining that pricing is out of my control, etc., I finally just hand the whole thing off to a manager. The manager gets fed up with the discussion of pricing and gives him a 25% discount.

Customer: “Okay, now use this.”

He hands me a gift card for the amount of $40 off the total.

Me: “Well, your new total was $45, so that’s $5 left.”

Customer: “You’re gonna have to do something else for me, sonny, as I didn’t bring my wallet with me.” 

The gracious 25% off from the management wasn’t enough! Management just adjusted the total again to be done with him. Oh, yeah, and he didn’t tip, naturally.

An older lady comes in.

Customer: “I want to order to-go, and I want a burger, a soup, and a salad, all for ten bucks.”

Me: *Politely* “There is no way I can do that all for under ten bucks.”

Customer: *Insistent* “Try!”

I have been working here for six years, so I try everything I know how to do and finally figure something out.

Me: “I can just do a plain, straight-forward burger, sub the soup instead of fries, and charge you for a side salad, which brings your grand total to twelve dollars and some change.”

Customer: “No. That’s not good enough. I need the full dinner salad, [one of the bigger burgers], and a bowl of soup.

The salad she wants would be about eight bucks, the burger would be about nine bucks, and the bowl of soup would be another three or four bucks. I explain all these prices to her.

Customer: *Frustrated* “Just get me the big salad and a burger by itself.”

Me: “That’ll be thirteen dollars.”

Customer: “No! That should be under ten!”

Me: *Now annoyed* “Ma’am, there is no way I can do that.”

She angrily hands me the money, and I give her her change. As soon as I start to walk off…

Customer: “Don’t forget my free chips and queso, because they forgot that last time.”

Me: “We charge for that.”

She scoffs and sits down. A couple of minutes later, she comes back up to the counter AGAIN.

Customer: “What’s the number for the [Restaurant Chain] down the street?”

Trying to be nice, I get my phone out, pull up the number, and write it down for her.

Customer: “Call them and place an order for me.”

Me: “I’m not going to call a business down the street when you have a phone and can do it yourself.”

Customer: “You work here, and I am a customer!”

Me: “But I don’t work there, and I am not your personal assistant.”

Customer: “You’re losing me as a customer!” 

Me: “Some customers are worth losing.”

Related:
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 8
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 7
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 6
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 5
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 4