Me: “Good afternoon. Who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s the tenth time I’m calling in! Please just transfer me already.”

Me: “Who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s [Customer]. Now transfer me to the right section.”

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Jesus, are you dumb? I just want you to transfer my call to someone who can actually help me.”

Me: “I’m not transferring your call until you tell me what’s going on, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s my statement. It’s wrong and I want a refund. Now transfer this call.”

Me: “What’s your cellphone number with the area code?”

Customer: “Just transfer this already. I’m responsible for your paycheck!”

(OH, SNAP!)

Me: “All right. Do you have your statement in your hands?”

Customer: “Yeah. Transfer the call!”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

(Silence.)

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

(Silence.)

Me: “Does it?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “So you have nothing to do with my paycheck, I guess. Plus, you haven’t paid your last one and I still got my paycheck. Now, can I please check some information before transferring the call?”

Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, okay…”

(A lady wants to make a credit card payment with a temporary check, which is not accepted at the store I work at. It goes all the way up to the top manager in the store and the exchange of words is glorious:)

Manager: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, this lady told me you can’t accept temporary checks?”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am. Unfortunately in the past we’ve had trouble cashing those checks. It’s nothing against you personally, but based on past problems we can’t accept temporary checks.”

Customer: “So let me get this straight? You treat everyone exactly the same way?”

Manager: “Uh… yes.”

Customer: “Well, if this place isn’t run by a bunch of stupid liberals!”

Man: *in a terrible French accent* “Ha-ha! I am the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit!”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Man: “May the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit get these for free?”

Me: “Um… no.”

Man: “Why not? I am the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit! I should always get them for free!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give these to you for free. Two dollars.”

Man: “Why the h*** not?”

Me: “Because I could lose my job.”

(The man growls, and sluggishly hands over two dollars.)

Man: “The Butterfinger Crisp Bandit should not have to pay, but he will… this time…”

This story is part of the Cheapskate Customers roundup!

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(The customer decides to buy two children’s face towels, one for each child. They are $3.50 each, but you can get three for $7.00.)

Me: “Just so you know, you can get three towels for $7.”

Customer: “No, thanks.”

Me: “You are paying $7 anyway since they’re $3.50 each…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Essentially, if you buy two, you get a third one free!”

Customer: “Free?”

Me: “Yeah, one for yourself!”

Customer: “I don’t want one!”

Me: “Well, it’s an extra one for the kids, or you can give it away, or give it to me.” *Laughs lightly*

Customer: “If I get three, I’ll have to get a fourth, or the kids will fight.”

Me: “Ah, you can get a fourth one for only $2.33, because you get the discount if you buy three or more.”

Customer: “But you said the third one is free!”

Me: “It’s essentially free. When you get three or more, you’re actually paying $2.33 for each one, instead of $3.50. It works out the same.”

Customer: “So I’m paying for it, even though it’s free?”

Me: “The deal is actually three for $7, seven divided by three is $2.33; you end up paying only $2.33 for each one instead of $3.50.”

Customer: “Whoa, so the first two are $3.50, the third one is free, and the fourth one is $2.33?”

Me: “You could look at it that way, I guess…”

Customer: “You guys have confusing prices. I’m getting a headache!”

(The customer asks the kids if they want another one. They get excited and pick out two more. I scan them. Each one shows up at $3.50 each, but the computer discounts them automatically at the end).

Customer: “Hey, they all scanned at $3.50!”

Me: “Don’t worry; the discount is applied at the end.”

Customer: “You’re trying to rip me off!”

Me: “I’m not. See, your subto–”

Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”

(The customer grabbed the children, who started crying because they really wanted the face towels.)

This story is part of our Pi Day Math roundup!

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(During a heated debate in my Sociology class about the pros and cons of immigration, the discussion turned to illegal immigration.)

Student: “I pay my taxes. If I have to pay sales tax, I think they should too!”