(This happened to a friend who worked as tech support at an ISP around 1999.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [ISP]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was buying this skincare cream online, and then something happened. I need you to send someone here!”

Me: “All right, ma’am, can you tell me what happened?”

Customer: “The Internet swallowed my credit card!”

Me: “I see, can you describe how it happened?”

Customer: “I put the cream in the basket, clicked the checkout option, and it said it was going to ask for my credit card on the next step. Then it simply swallowed it!”

(I went through ten minutes of attempts to try and find out what actually happened before sending someone over. It turned out she inserted the credit card inside the floppy drive to pay the order.)

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Customer: “I need to change my currency before I get on the train to Paris.”

Me: “Okay, sir. There is a Bureau De Change just over there where you can purchase your Euros.”

Customer: “What? I already have Euros. I need to get some Francs.”

Me: “Sir, they only accept Euros in France now. You will not need Francs.”

Customer: “Okay, whatever. Next question: how do I get to France from Paris?”

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(I am scanning a customer’s items and the screen prompts me to ask for her phone number.)

Me: “Can I get your phone number please?”

Customer: “1-2-3-4.”

Me: *confused*

Customer: “Oh, I thought you asked for my pin number.”

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Me: “Hello, you’re through to [Broadband Company]. How can I help?”

Customer: “I’m a new customer and I’d like some help with setting up my router. I can’t get the broadband to work.”

Me: “Of course I can help you. If you want to start by turning your computer on, we’ll see what we can do.”

Customer: “What computer?”

Me: “Sir, you need a computer to access the Internet with this router.”

Customer: “No one told me that.”

Me: “Sir, how do you expect to access the Internet without a computer?”

Customer: “So you’re saying I have to buy a computer? That’s another expense!” *hangs up*

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(I am checking out a man with a thick southern accent.)

Me: “How would you like to pay for that?”

Customer: “Oh, darn. I must’ve forgotten my credit card at home. All I got is money.”

Me: “We do take cash.”

Customer: “It’s American money. I know you folks don’t take that.”

Me: “We take American money. This is America.”

(The man’s mouth literally drops open.)

Customer: “No fooling? When did that happen?”

Me: “When Illinois became a territory of the United States of America?”

Customer: “America took land from the Canadians? I must’ve missed it on the news.”

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