(I work in the financial aid department of a private Christian college.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [University] today. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’d like to complain about a late charge on my daughter’s bill. It shouldn’t be there.”

Me: “All right, give me just one moment while I pull up your daughter’s account. I see that payment was not received until a week after the due date.”

Caller: “I know, but I shouldn’t be charged a late fee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our late fee policy was explained to you when you enrolled in our payment program and is also printed on the bottom of your monthly statements.”

Caller: “But you’re still a Christian university, right?”

Me: “Yes, sir, but to avoid late charges you must pay your bill on time.”

Caller: “Nonsense. The Bible talks about this. Y’all are supposed to be Christians!”

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(I work in a toy store where customers can custom-build their own stuffed animals. A father and young daughter approach.)

Me: “Welcome to [Toy Store]. Have you picked out an animal to be stuffed today?”

Little Girl: “Yes!”

(We proceed to stuff the bear and the little girl grabs one of the ‘push to talk’ buttons and hands it to me.)

Me: “Okay, you want to get the ‘I love you’ button put in today?”

Father: “Hold on a second. Baby, what’s this thing?”

Little Girl: “He puts it in the bear for me and when you push it, it says ‘I love you’!”

Father: “How much does this thing cost?”

Me: “Five dollars, sir.”

Father: “S***! For five dollars, baby, I’ll tell you I love you! Go put that thing back.”

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(After confirming the price of every single item in a customer’s basket as it goes through the till, I finally hand her the receipt.)

Customer: “Wait, what’s this thing here? It was really expensive!” *points at item on her receipt*

Me: “That’s VAT.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “Value Added Tax.”

Customer: “I didn’t buy any of that.”

(I work for a phone provider. If someone wants to change their number it’s $20, unless they are being harassed, which most of them say they are anyway to avoid paying.)

Me: “Hello. Thank you for calling [Phone Provider]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Hi, yes. I want to change my phone number.”

Me: “Sure thing, I can definitely help you with that. Why are you changing it? Harassment or just want something new?”

Caller: “Oh, I just want a new number.”

Me: “Sure thing. Before I continue, I should inform you It’s a $20 charge.”

Caller: “WHAT!? But I’m being harassed! Calls at all times of the night! Swearing at me! And you want to charge me? That’s outrageous!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that, sir. In cases of harassment, we do have the option to waive that charge.”

Caller: “I can’t believe you are going to charge me!”

Me: “No, sir, I’d be more than happy to remove the charge.”

Caller: “This is ridiculous!” *speaks to someone in background* “Hey! They are going to charge us $20 to change our number!”

Other Person: “What!? That’s insane!”

Me: “Sir, I can waive the charge. You won’t have to pay it.”

Caller: “You are sick doing this to me. You know what? I’m going to another company. Then they will install me and give me a new number for free!”

Me: “Sir, I can waive the fee. It will be removed. You will not have to pay it. It will be $0.”

Caller: “Oh! So NOW that I’m going to another company you’ll waive it. You people are despicable! Good day!” *hangs up*

Customer: “Hi, can you tell me about your Educator Appreciation Weekend?

Me: “Sure! Teachers normally get 20% off on things they buy for their classroom.”

Customer: “Okay, so how do I prove that I’m a teacher?”

Me: “Do you have a pay stub from your school?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a school ID?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a card from a teacher’s union?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a medical insurance card that shows that you’re on an educator plan?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Maybe a vision or dental insurance card?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a business card?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have any letters from the school or district to you?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Is there a number I could call to verify your employment with a school?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have anything, anything at all, with both your name on it, and the name of some kind of school or educational organization?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Well, I’m stumped. I can’t think of any other way that you could show that you’re a teacher.”

Customer: “Wow, you really don’t make this easy for us, do you?”

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