I’m a web designer. I receive a phone call from a personal trainer.

Client: “I have a website, but the guy who made it turned out to be a bit rubbish. Could you take a look at it and tell me what improvements it needs?”

I take a look and point out the many flaws. I tell him that it really needs to be redone, and I make suggestions for how to improve it.

Client: “Can’t you just add the changes to what’s already there?”

Me: “I can’t work with this. I make websites from scratch; I don’t take on other people’s code.”

Client: “I’ve already paid for a new website, so I don’t want to pay again.”

Me: “What is the budget you had in mind for the changes? Maybe we could look at getting a new site made on that budget.”

Client: “Like I said, I’ve already paid, so I don’t see why I should spend any more money at all. Can’t you just move things around a bit?”

Me: “Not for free, no.”

Client: “Why not?”

I go into a new barbers to get my hair cut. They have a big sign up saying, “Cash preferred”, but the glass door also has a Visa and Mastercard logo on it. After my haircut, I am told my total and I get out my card.

Barber: “Oh, cash only.”

He points at the sign as if that makes his point.

Me: “That says, ‘Cash preferred’.”

Barber: “No, only cash.”

Me: “The sign doesn’t say cash only. It says, ‘Cash preferred’. That’s a preference, not a rule. I’m paying by card.”

Barber: “No, the card machine isn’t working.”

Me: “Then you should tell your customers that before we sit down, or put up a sign that says that. I don’t have cash on me.”

Barber: “It’s okay, leave your wallet here but take your card to the cash point. Come back with the cash.”

Me: “I am not leaving any of my items, especially my wallet, with you! You can send me out to get cash if you like, but I might not come back today… or ever. Up to you.”

Suddenly, the card machine was working. Sorry, my friend; take your tax-evasion schemes somewhere else!

In my first job at a dog kennel, we had a regular client who brought her dog literally every day we were open for daycare and had for years before I started. On my first holiday there, she got a headcount of all the employees working and got us all scratch lottery tickets, some homemade schnitzel, and some fancy ginger ale. There were enough scratch tickets for each employee to get one.

Well, methinks the assistant manager had a gambling problem because, instead of handing out everyone their ticket, she went into the office and scratched them all herself.

Assistant Manager: “We’ll all enter our names into a drawing, and one person will get to win the grand prize of all the ticket winnings put together!”

It ended up being only like $16 or so, not even a full $20, but we were all incredibly salty about how she had handled that.

It was a while ago, so I don’t remember if the regular client found out. [Assistant Manager] never did that again in the subsequent years I worked there, so I think someone up front mentioned that it wasn’t worth doing again.

Customer: “The cash machine (ATM) by your entrance is broken.”

Me: “Oh, no! Thanks for letting us know.”

Customer: “Yeah, I tried to take out £1,000, but it wouldn’t let me.”

Me: “Oh! Well, I think it’s different for each bank, but most banks have a cash withdrawal limit of £250 or £300 a day.”

Customer: “Oh, that must be it. Thanks.”

I nod and assume that’s the end of it. A few minutes later, they’re back.

Customer: “No, still not working. You know, it’s not nice to have a sign up saying it can give you cash but then not have it work!”

Me: “The machines are operated by a bank, not us, but I’ll pass on the message to get them to check on it. For my notes, can you tell me what issue the machine is giving you?”

Customer: “Well, it says, ‘Free Cash’, so I try to press the numbers to say how much I want, but nothing comes out!”

Me: “Just so we’re clear, you know that ‘Free Cash’ means that you won’t be charged by the bank to withdraw money from that cash machine, right?”

Customer: “Yeah, because it’s free money.”

Me: “Well, it’s still your own money, sir. You’re just not being charged to have access to it.”

Customer: “But I don’t have any money. That’s why I wanted the free cash!”

Me: “Sir, what did you expect to happen if you inserted a bank card with no money on it?”

Customer: “What card?”

Yes. This customer saw a cash machine with the “Free Cash” sign above it and simply walked up to it and started pressing numbers, expecting it to dispense that same number in cash.

Without a bank account.

For free.

Related:
How Is This Person Still Alive?

I worked with a company for five years, doing nearly all their marketing design over that time. Last year, they decided they could save money by hiring someone with no experience. They weren’t the easiest to work with, so I cut my losses and wished them luck.

Six months later, I get an email.

Client: “It’s our busiest time of the year, and our designer is going on vacation for several weeks. We have a lot of work to get done and need someone who can step in and get it done quickly. Are you available?”

Me: “I have a little availability right now and would be glad to help. As you know, I prefer to work on a project fee basis. Please let me know what you need help with and I’ll send you a quote.”

Client: “Great! We really appreciate you doing this favor for us. We have a few different projects, but we think it would be easier if we could just give them to you as we need them, so you’ll need to bill us hourly.”

At this point, he quotes a number that is less than a quarter of the hourly rate I use to calculate project fees and tells me that they’re “excited to work with me again.”

Normally, I would walk away, but I do have an opening in the next few weeks, so I agree to work for an hourly rate, for a figure lower than my usual fees but higher than what they offered.

Me: “I’m sorry, if you prefer to use an hourly rate, I can offer you a rate of [number lower than usual but much higher than theirs]. Please keep in mind that I’m familiar with your design and can get these projects done much more quickly than someone unfamiliar with your brand.”

Client: “Yes, we love the work you’ve done in the past, but we pay [restates low rate].”

When I read that, I am ready to say no. Then, I get this gem.

Client: “Also, we really need to see your work before we can hire you. Do you have a portfolio?”

I instructed them to look in their archives and call me when they could afford me.