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Her Wiser Self Is Weeping Right Now

, , , | Right | July 25, 2008

Me: “Ma’am, may I see your ID for your credit card?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: *points to the back* “Because it says to ‘See ID’.”

Customer: “Oh, right. I wrote that there so you can take it.”

Me: “I still need to see your ID.”

Customer: “Why? I wrote that so you know it’s me.”

Me: “Imagine if someone stole your card, told me they wrote ‘See ID’ and I accepted it?”

Customer: “But that didn’t happen; it’s really my card. Just take it!”

Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None

, , , , | Right | July 21, 2008

(A customer is trying to cancel a non-refundable reservation at a hotel…)

Me: “I apologize, sir, but we will not be able to issue a refund at this time.”

Customer: “I am a doctor and will have to attend to an emergency at that time. So, you need to refund me.”

Me: “Again, I apologize, sir, but as the hotel is unwilling to refund, we will be unable to refund you at this time.”

Customer: “Well, I guess I will just have to see you in court. I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you.”

Me: “Sir, as a lawyer, I am sure you read over the terms and conditions of your reservation. As I am sure you noted, this reservation is nonrefundable. If you’d like, I can review the terms and conditions with you…”

Customer: “The Catholic Church is going to curse you! I am a lawyer for the Catholic Church and I will tell the bishop to curse you!”

(At this point, I didn’t know what to say to this multi-talented doctor and lawyer for the Catholic Church.)

Customer Variant #3: The Penny Picker

, , , , | Right | July 19, 2008

(Everyone has had this customer. They must clone them somewhere.)

Me: “That will be $2.88.”

(The customer puts a dollar on the counter and out of her purse pulls a snap-top coin pouch and I know I am screwed. She starts rooting in it, pulling out one coin at a time.)

Customer: “5, 10, 20, 25, 26, 27…”

(I void out her sale and wait on the next customer. I ring him up and give him his change.)

Customer: “Why did you wait on him? I was first.”

Me: “Well, he had the mystical ability to hand me three dollar bills for his key and you are still trying to come up with $2.88, a coin at a time.”

Customer: “Now you made me lose count! 5, 10, 20, 25, 26, 27…”

(I wait on several more customers.)

Customer: “Young man…” *I am 59, by the way* “…can you tell me if this is a penny or a dime?”

Me: “It is a dime.”

Customer: “Oh, I want to get rid of my pennies…” *puts dime back in pouch, starts rooting in it again* “…76, 77, 78…”

(I continue to wait on more customers until after what seems to be an eon…)

Customer: “Oh, I only have $2.86. I will have to give you another dollar.” *starts emptying purse on counter*

Me: “No, no, that will be just fine. $2.86, no problem.”

Customer: “But I am two cents short!”

Me: “Trust me; not a problem.”

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Occasionally, Minute Men Do Come In Handy

, , , , | Right | July 17, 2008

(Please note that I work in a beautiful four-star hotel.)

Me: “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

Husband: “We would like to have a room for tonight.”

Me: “Okay, I have a room with a queen-size bed. Is that okay for you?”

Wife: “How much is it?”

Me: “$127.”

Husband: “Well, can you offer me a better price?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t.

Husband: “Okay, that’s fine.”

Me: “Here is your key; your room is on the fifth floor and is a VIP room. Have a nice stay!”

(Twenty-two minutes later…)

Wife: “We would like to have our money back.”

Me: May I ask you why?

Wife: “Uh, we don’t like the decoration.”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but I can’t give you your money back… You stayed in the room for twenty-five minutes.”

Wife: “…and?!”

Me: “Why didn’t you come back after five minutes?”

Wife: “…because!”

(We all know what they did for twenty-five minutes!)

Passing The Buck

, , , , | Right | July 17, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I have a problem with you guys! You are trying to screw me!”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I am trying to buy a house. Your company is showing an unpaid bill for $5000, and my bank has denied my loan because of this.”

Me: “Well, according to our records you purchased an air conditioner two years ago for $3500. You made two payments of $150 and never made another payment.”

Customer: “Yes, so?”

Me: “Well, you never paid for the item so we reported it as such.”

Customer: “But I sold that house a year and a half ago!”

Me: “But you never paid for the air conditioner.”


Me: “I am sorry, but we agreed to extend credit to you, not the new owners of the house. You signed the agreement, not them.”

Customer: “Where am I supposed to get $5000?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but all I can think of is when you got the money for selling the home with the air conditioner, you should have paid the account balance off.”


Me: “Okay, then I guess this call is over and I hope you get your bank to loan you the money.”

Customer: “So you fixed it?”

Me: “I sure did. Have a great day.”

(All I did was update her account with her new address and phone number. The legal dept had noted on the account that they had been unable to locate her after she sold the home… They’ll definitely find her now.)