Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling [Company] Airlines. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”
Customer: “How much would it cost for my dog to travel with me?”
Me: “It’s $50 per leg.”
Customer: “Oh, she only has three legs, so how much would that cost?”
Me: “…that’s $50 per leg, as in travel segments.”
Customer: “Oh… Thank you.” *hangs up*
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(My father is manning tables at the local flea market. A man comes up to the table and picks out an item that’s priced at $8.)
Customer: “Will you take $6 for this?”
Dad: “Sure.”
(The man finds another item, this one priced at $5.)
Customer: “Will you take $4?”
Dad: “Sure.”
(After a while, the man finds another item, this time priced at $6.)
Customer: “$5?”
Dad: “Sure.”
(Finally, the man gathers all of his items together and winds up for the ultimate bargaining ploy.)
Customer: “How about $20 for all three?”
Dad: “Sure.”
(Dad was always an agreeable sort.)
Caller: “I don’t care what your little book says. Put my f****** power on!”
Me: “I can’t do that for you unless you pay your debt in full, sir.”
Caller: “Why are you being a b**** about this? Just let it slide!”
Me: “We’ve been letting it slide for months, sir. You now owe us in excess of a thousand dollars. Our rules are very clear: we are not to reconnect your power until you pay your debt.”
Caller: “F*** you! I’m going to kill you! I’m going to come to your house and kill you!”
Me: “The difference between you and me, sir, is that I know where YOU live.”
Caller: *click*
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(I’m a customer waiting for my pizza and overhear this conversation.)
Cashier: *to another customer* “Hey, what can I get you?”
Customer: “Just a bottle of water, please.”
Cashier: “Sure, that’ll come to $1.09.”
(The customer hands him two dollars, and then pauses.)
Customer: “Actually, could I get you to exchange these five ones for a five?”
Cashier: “Sure.”
Customer: “Oh, wait… can I exchange the two fives for a ten?”
(This continues for a few minutes until the cashier smiles and says that he has to get back to work helping me, since my pizza is ready. The guy leaves.)
Me: “People like that always make me nervous. I’ve had bad run-ins with short changers.”
Cashier: “Yeah, I was wise to his game, though.”
Me: “Oh, yeah?”
Cashier: “Yeah. He shorted himself two dollars.”
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(We were having a sale on used DVDs. The price reductions were delayed in the computer system download, so we had to re-price every item manually. A customer came up with several used movies for purchase.)
Me: “All right, sir, your total is $249.75.”
Customer: “What? Did you miss some? I added it up, it should be more.”
Me: *after checking* “No, sir. We’re in the middle of doing our price changes, so all the movies you have that are marked $12.99 each are actually marked down to $9.99 each.”
Customer: “What? That’s illegal. The price sticker has to have the correct price on it.”
Me: “Sir, as I said, we’re in the process of re-stickering all of the DVDs. The 25 movies you’re buying are actually cheaper than you thought they would be.”
Customer: “But they’re priced wrong. That’s illegal.”
Me: “Sir, I can assure you we are doing nothing illegal, and if you’d like–”
Customer: “It is illegal! I’M A LAWYER!”
Me: “Okay… I can adjust the price so that the movies are all $12.99 instead of $9.99 if you’re really angry about saving $75.00. Is that what you want me to do?”
Customer: “Well, no.”
Me: “What would you like me to do then?”
Customer: “I think I should get some free movies.”
Me: “Sir, I’m not giving you any free movies.”
Customer: “I’m a lawyer. It’s illegal. You need to give me five free movies or I’m calling the authorities.”
Me: “Sir, I’m not giving you anything for free. As it is, you thought the price of these DVDs was much more than it turned out to be, so you’re already getting a deal…”
Customer: “I don’t care. This is horrible service! This is no way to run a business. If I ran my restaurant this way, I’d be out of business!”
Me: “So, are you a lawyer or a restauranteur?”
Customer: “…”
Me: “Would you like to pay for the movies, or would you like me to cancel the sale?”
Customer: *hands over credit card*
