(I worked as a debt collector for a car rental agency.)

Debtor: *on the phone* “You sent me a court order about a debt. I can’t pay it. But, I can offer you some paintings I made.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I cannot accept them. You have to pay cash or make a wire transfer.”

Debtor: “They’re good paintings; I have written confirmation by the Arts Department of the University of [City] that they’re good.”

Me: “If they’re that good, I recommend that you sell a few of the paintings. Then you’ll have money to pay your debt.”

Debtor: “I can’t do that! To sell a painting I’d have to ruin a marriage!”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand…”

Debtor: “Well, for a man to buy a painting off of me, I’d have to sleep with him. His wife would find out, and she’d divorce him.”

Me: “Ma’am… I think that you should check your relationship with reality. I am extending your deadline by one week; please pay cash or transfer.”

(End of call.)

Me: *to my coworker* “I can’t believe she just said that. I can’t believe I just said that.”

Tourist: “Lady, how about we make a deal? I wanna buy this bottle from you.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. We only have four of the blue ones and they’re not for sale.”

Tourist: “So you’re telling me I can’t buy this?”

Me: “Yes… I know it’s a nice bottle, but we do need it for the water.”

Tourist: “Lady, I don’t think you understand what I’m getting at.”

(The tourist pulls a wad of US money from his wallet.)

Tourist: “I got REAL money here!”

(I work in the billing department for a cable company. One day I took the following call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Billing Department]. My name is [My Name]. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Hi, I need you turn my cable back on so I can watch the fight this weekend.”

Me: “Okay, if I could get your phone number, I’ll bring up your account and see what’s up.”

(I proceed to bring up his account, and notice he had been installed six months ago, and has not once paid his bill.)

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that we can’t turn anything back on for your account until there has been a payment made.”

Customer: “No, that’s not the agreement. I need to watch the fight this weekend. My boys are coming over.”

Me: “That’s all well and good, but you owe us over two thousand dollars for charges, pay per view, and equipment. Nothing can be done until you are up to date on payment.”

Customer: *angry* “I NEVER AGREED TO PAY YOU ANY F****** MONEY! GIVE ME MY GOD-D*** CABLE!”

Me: “Sir, you obviously don’t understand how this works. We provide a service, and in return you pay a monthly fee. This is where we’re at; nothing can be done until you pay your balance.”

Customer: “F*** YOU GUYS, THEN! I’LL JUST WATCH IT ONLINE, SO THERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?”

Me: “I think you forgot that we supply your Internet as well. It won’t be reconnected until you pay your bill.”

Me: “Okay, that will be $5.93 for the cigarettes.”

(The customer hands me a five-dollar bill, puts the cigarettes in her pocket and starts walking off.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you didn’t give me enough money. You only gave me $5 and the total was $5.93.”

Customer: “Yeah, I gave you five.” *points at the money*

Me: “Yes, but the total is five dollars and ninety-three cents.”

Customer: *angrily* “Yeah, I gave you five dollars!”

Me: “It’s not enough. I need about a dollar more. Would you like to get something different or cheaper maybe?”

Customer: “No, I want this one!”

Me: “Well, I can’t sell these to you when you don’t have enough to pay for it.”

Customer: “Well, what am I gonna do?”

Me: “Go home and get more money?”

(Her expression suddenly brightens.)

Customer: “Oh! Yeah, okay! I’ll go do that I’ll be right back!” *gives cigarettes back and leaves cheerily*

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(I work in the call center of a major insurance company.)

Customer: “I just received this form… What does it mean?”

Me: “That is letting you know how much interest income you received last year which we reported to the IRS.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the IRS to know!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re legally obligated to report that information to the IRS.”

Customer: “Do you do everything the government tells you to?!”

Me: “Umm… yes?”