Customer: “Can I withdraw everything from my checking account?”

Me: *processes transaction* “There you are. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, can you tell me my balance?”

Me: “Well, after that transaction, your balance is $0.”

Customer: “But I still have checks!”

Me: “I’m sorry–”

Customer: “I still have checks left in my checkbook, so I can still get money, right?”

Me: “No, ma’am. You can only write out checks if you have that money available in your account.”

Customer: “But I still have checks! Why would they give me so many checks, then?!”

Me: “So you have checks for when you do have money?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll just write one out anyway!”

Me: “You’ll be charged a $35 fee for over-drafting your account.”

Customer: “I thought I had a free checking account. You’re going to charge me for using my free account?!”

Me: “No, we charge you for spending money you don’t have.”

Customer: “I’M NOT SPENDING MONEY! I’M WRITING A CHECK!”

Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

(A customer whose account had been overdrawn for some time calls our bank.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry, but your card was turned off because your account is currently overdrawn $2,000.”

Caller: “But I don’t think that you understand. When I get paid, I need to buy food for my children.”

(We are able to reverse some overdraft fees if the situation warrants it. I review the woman’s account to see where her money is going.)

Me: “Ma’am, you said you buy food for your children after each paycheck?”

Caller: “Yes! I need money to buy my children something to eat!”

Me: “So your children eat big-screen TVs and acrylic nails?”

Caller: “You can see where I’m spending money?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We keep records of where you spend your money.”

Caller: *click*

CONTENT WARNING: Injury Detail

Caller: *on the phone* “My father-in-law was hit by a car while riding his bike. I need to get some advice about what he should do.”

Me: “Was he injured?”

Caller: “Yeah. I mean, he’s conscious and stuff, but he’s bleeding and in pain.”

Me: “When did this happen?”

Caller: “About five minutes ago. Can we sue the guy?”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you say this JUST happened? Have you called the police and ambulance?”

Caller: “No, that’s why I called you. I need to know what to do.”

Me: “Hang up and call 911!”

Caller: “Really? So we should take him to the doctor even though he doesn’t have medical insurance? Who’s going to pay for it if he dies? I can’t be responsible for that!”

(Sirens are heard in the background.)

Caller: “Oh, no, someone must have called, because a firetruck just pulled up… Am I going to have to pay for this?”

Me: “Sir, please deal with his injuries and make sure he’s taken to the hospital. You can call us back after he’s been treated if you need to and we’d be happy to explain how to get the bills paid. Right now you need to worry about him.”

Caller: “I ain’t doin’ anything ’til I know who’s gonna pay for this. I shouldn’t be stuck with this!”

Me: “In all likelihood, the insurance company for the driver who hit him will pay his medical bills.”

Caller: “I’m calling them, then…” *aside in background* “Don’t go messing with him; I gotta find out who’s paying for this before you go taking him anywhere!” *hangs up*

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(The store where I work has two deals: a buy three, get the cheapest item free promo, and a 40% off the most expensive item coupon. The customer comes up with three equally priced items and hands me the coupon.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, you can’t combine offers so you’ll only be able to use one promo–buy two, get one free, or the 40% off. You’d save more if you use the buy two, get one free offer so you can keep the coupon for another time.”

Customer: “Well, let me do two transactions then.”

Me: “I could, but then you’d be spending more than you’d need to.”

Customer: “Nooo… I’d get one free and one for 40% off!”

Me: “No, that’s not how it works. See, if you buy these two, you’d get this third item free. So you’d only be paying for two items. However, if you split them up, the “buy two, get one free” offer is no longer valid because you need three items to get one free. So you’d pay for two items and then on your second transaction, you’d be paying for a third item.”

Customer: “Yeah, but it’d be 40% off.”

Me: “Yes, but if you did it in one transaction, you wouldn’t have to pay for a third item at all.”

Customer: “Just let me do two transactions!”

Me: “Okay, okay, sorry, I’ll ring you out now.”

(A student approaches my counter at our college’s store, which is adjacent to the bank.)

Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

College Student: “Yes, I need to get four dollars out of the bank.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the campus bank branch does not open for another hour.”

College Student: “Well… what if I was to pay you? *pulls out a five dollar bill*

Me: “You’re going to pay me five dollars to get four dollars out of the bank?”

College Student: “Yes.”

Me: “Why don’t I just give you change in ones for this five?”

College Student: “You can do that?”

Me: “Yes.”

College Student: “Technology these days!”

(I give him the five ones, and he walks out of the store shaking his head and smiling to himself, still saying “Wow!”)