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Barking Up The Wrong Tree

, , , , , , | Right | October 13, 2008

Me: “This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I want a discount on my services.”

Me: “I’d be glad to see if you qualify for a promotion on a new service–”

Customer: “No, I mean on my current services.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any promotions like that; they’re only for new services.”

Customer: “Well, this is bull-s***! I shouldn’t have to pay for Spanish channels that I don’t watch and can’t understand. Let the Mexicans pay extra for those, not me!”

Me: “Ma’am, we cater to our demographic, and California as a whole has a very large Hispanic population including MYSELF and my family.”

Customer: “That’s terrible! I’m on a budget and don’t think I should be charged for these.”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s just how are services are offered.”

Customer: “Well I’ll tell you this… you better watch out, because before you know it, a MEXICAN is gonna take your job!”

Me: “…all right, then, ma’am. Gracias por llamar a [Empresa] que tenga un buen dia.” *click*

Team Building Retreat With The Reindeer

, , , , , | Right | October 8, 2008

Me: “Good evening, [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to check your availability for December 24th to the 26th.”

Me: “We do have rooms available for those dates.”

Caller: “I work for the government, and I’m wondering if you have the government discount?”

Me: “Only government employees on official government business are eligible for our government rates.”

Caller: “I’m on official business, then!”

Me: “You’re trying to book a room for Christmas.”

Caller: *hangs up*


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Even Managers Have A Stupid Quota

, , , , , , | Right | October 8, 2008

(A young, angry-looking woman is standing at the pharmacy counter with a small pile of white sticks.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, these pregnancy tests are all faulty. I want a refund.”

Me: “Okay. So, what happened? Were they broken or missing pieces?”

Customer: “No, they keep saying positive. I’m not pregnant.”

Me: “Um… okay. So, if you’re not pregnant, then why get the tests?”

Customer: “Get your manager!”

Me: *gets manager*

Manager: “What’s the problem?”

(I wander off at this point, called into the vitamins section. When I come back, security is taking the woman out of the store.)

Me: “What the…?”

Manager: “Twit. She just wanted her money back. I hope she has twins that cause a LOT of pain and are ugly. REAL ugly… and poop a lot!”

Shameless

, , , | Right | October 6, 2008

Customer: “How much is a large popcorn and large drink?”

Me: “That would come to $11.50.”

Customer: “S***! That’s f***ing highway robbery, man! How do you sleep at night?”

Me: “Sir, I work on my feet for eight-hour shifts at minimum wage. I don’t even buy concessions at the movies because they’re so freaking expensive and they don’t pay me enough here to turn around and spend my paycheck back on them.”

Customer: “Good point. I’ll have a medium popcorn and medium soda, please.”

Me: “Would you like to up-size those to larges for just 50 cents each?”


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Sometimes, Even Yoda Isn’t Enough

, , , , | Right | September 26, 2008

(A coworker and I are sitting in a fairly small booth at the gates of the swimming pool. A sign that reads ‘We Do Not Accept $100 Bills’ is placed right under the sign reading ‘No Refunds Due to Inclement Weather.’)

Customer: “No refunds due to inclement weather, eh? What if it’s nice?”

Me: “Yes, sir, very droll.”

Customer: “All right, it’s for me and my two kids.”

(The customer attempts to pay with a hundred-dollar bill for something that amounts to about $5.50.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t accept hundred-dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t accept hundred-dollar bills. Do you have any debit or credit cards with you?”

Customer: “No, but I have this hundred!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we don’t accept hundred-dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

(This repeats for about seven or eight times before I start varying it up a bit.)

Me: “Bills hundred dollars accept we do not.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Dollar bills, hundred accept not we do!”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”


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