Allow Me To Deposit Some Reality Right Here

, , , , | | Legal | May 21, 2018

(I work for a telephone company and one of the laws governing unpaid accounts is that after a certain length of time they become “statute barred” for approximately six years, which means that the statute of limitations has expired and we can no longer collect from the ex-customer or refuse service due to an unpaid account. There are some “customers” who know to the day how long they have to wait before once again getting service they have no intention of paying for. Often a family will cycle between companies and family members getting free service most of the time. Then the company changes their policy so that even if their account is “statute barred,” the “customer” is considered a poor risk and can get basic dial tone only — which we cannot not refuse — but absolutely no services like long distance or calling features, or they can open a “deposit” account where we get our money up front, and a full service package comes with a very hefty deposit. When I get someone who is just past the date, I sometimes slip into passive-aggressive mode.)

Customer: “Hi. I would like to set up service.”

Me: “Certainly. Have you had service with us before?”

Customer: “No, I haven’t.”

Me: “Very well. We need to set up an account for you.” *collects identification information* “Oh, it looks like we have an old account from just over six years ago for you.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I guess I forgot.”

Me: “No problem. Well, it looks like you left owing us money, so you have a choice between a restricted account or a deposit account.”

Customer: “What is a restricted account?”

(I explain how it is dial tone and local dialing ONLY.)

Customer: “But I want features: long distance, Internet, and TV.”

Me: “Then you would require a deposit account.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because you left your last service without paying your bill.”

Customer: “But I don’t owe you any money.”

Me: “No, you don’t.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “So when can I get service?”

Me: “After the deposit posts to your account.”

Customer: “But I don’t owe you any money.”

Me: “No, you don’t.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “How much is the deposit?”

(For the size of the service package and the equipment it is — no kidding — $1800. I advise the customer it is the charge for three months service in advance, plus the value of the equipment.)

Customer: “How about hooking me up, and I’ll pay the deposit in instalments?” *clearly no intent to pay*

Me: “I’m sorry, but the computer will not complete the processing of your order until the full amount of the deposit posts to the account.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: *becoming more and more agitated as they can’t find the loophole to get free service* “BUT I DON’T OWE YOU ANY MONEY!”

Me: “No, you don’t.”

Customer: “WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY A DEPOSIT?”

Me: “Since you did not pay your balance when you last had service, you are now considered a high risk for non-payment and the company wants their money up front.”

Customer: “F*** YOU!” *click*

Time To Separate The Sheep From The Claims

, , , , , | Working | May 16, 2018

(I have just started working for a bank in their accounting department. One of my jobs is to reimburse employees for work expenses they pay with their personal funds. One day I come across one I’m not sure what to do with so I go to ask my supervisor.)

Me: “I have a question about what to do with this reimbursement request.”

Supervisor: “You put the expense in the corresponding expense account and balance it against cash.”

Me: “Yeah, I know that, but what expense account do we use for sheep?”

Supervisor: “Did you say sheep?”

Me: “According to the reimbursement the employee bought a lamb at a farm auction and wants us to repay them for it.”

(We ended up putting it in donation expense; it was for 4H and part of community outreach.)

I Got 99 Problems And Your Change Is One

, , , , , | Right | May 9, 2018

(A customer comes in to buy a key for a car. I make the key, and the total comes to $5.01, and he gives me $6.00. I ask him if he has a penny or nickel so that I do not have to dump a lot of change on him. He says no, so I give him 99 cents in change. Less than five minutes later, he returns.)

Customer: “That key worked really well. When I went elsewhere they could not get one to work, so I want another one.”

(I make another key, and of course it is the same price.)

Customer: “Here is six dollars.”

Me: “Can you give me a penny?”

Customer: “I have no change.”

Me: “Didn’t I just give you 99 cents in change?”

Customer: “Oh, right.” *hands me a penny*

(I have no idea what he was thinking.)

To Coin An Old-Fashioned Phrase…

, , , , | Right | May 2, 2018

(I work at a medium-sized grocery store, according to Norwegian standards, and we’ve got a cash-handling system called CashGuard. The customer is supposed add coins themselves, while giving me the notes if they’re paying cash. A lot of people forget that they’re supposed to put the coins into the machine themselves and try to give them to me. I kindly say that they’re supposed to go into the machine.)

Me: “That’s [total].”

Old Lady: *tries to give me her coins*

Me: “They’re supposed to go in there.” *points at the coin machine*

Old Lady: “No, they’re not! You take them and say thank you, like they did in the good old times!” *throws coins at the counter and walks off*

Me: “…?”

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 77

, , , , , | Right | April 29, 2018

Customer: “Hi. I need to apply for a credit card.”

Me: “May I see your driver’s license?”

(The customer hands me his license and starts making conversation as I begin his application.)

Customer: “I need to get new cards because my daughter messed up my credit. I was a month behind on my bills!”

Me: “Oh, no!”

(I continue with his application, thinking all the time that this is a bad idea. I call our in store credit department with the customer’s referral number.)

Me: “You are approved!”

Customer: “What’s my limit?”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 76
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 75
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 74

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