Me: “If you want a custom Christmas e-mail template, it’ll take at least two billable hours.”

Client: “We don’t want to pay extra. Can’t you just add a snowy background?”

Me: “It’s a bit more complicated than that. I’m sorry, but I do have to charge by the hour.”

Client: “No. Why don’t you spend a couple of hours figuring out how we can do this for free.”

Me: “You want me to sit here for a “couple hours” to figure out a way you can get me to work for a couple of hours for free?”

I once simply read out the total cost of groceries for a customer, and because I get so used to the majority of customers having cards, I pressed the card payment button without thinking. When the customer started digging in her purse for change:

Me: “Oh, you’re paying with cash? My mistake.”

She raised her voice and started looking for backup from a queue of frustrated customers.

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to pay by card if I don’t want to.”

She wasn’t forced to.

Customer: “Would you want to be forced to use unsafe, slower methods to pay?”

She faced the queue, neck forward, staring at people around her with upturned palms. She still hadn’t fully packed her shopping.

Next In Line: *Frustrated* “Card is quicker and safer. You are slowing everyone down. Pack your bag. You’re wasting my lunchtime!”

The lady then packed silently with her eyes fixed on me, walked toward exit, and said:

Customer: “I shall not come here again.”

She clearly expected sympathy. The next customer in line said what we can’t say and told her:

Next In Line: “Good. F*** off.”

A client going through a rough time owes me almost $4000. I have tried many things to get paid. I even stopped being nice and took him off my Christmas Card list. Well, it hasn’t stopped him from sending me one. And this year’s takes the cake. It said, and I quote:

Client’s Christmas Card: “TIDINGS OF JOY In gratitude for our association with you, we’ve made a monetary gift to Courage Center in your name.”

Seriously?

Back in the 1970s, I worked in a plywood plant with a crew of 300 men and women. The lunchroom had a few vending machines for soda pop. One day, the vending machine guy didn’t lock the machine properly and so people could get into it. Sometimes people didn’t have change, so we would see someone throw a $5 bill in and take change and their drink.

This went on for a while until all the drinks were gone.

A little while later, the vending machine guy came in. I happened to be in the lunchroom at the time. He realized the machine was not locked and went pale. He opened the machine and discovered that the coin box was full of money, tens and twenties even. He counted the money that was there. Everything was fully paid for and no money missing.

He looked at me, dumbfounded.

Me: “It made it easier to make change with the machine unlocked.”

He never failed to lock it properly after that.

Older Customer: “How much are your pizza slices?”

Me: “They’re $2.50 a slice.”

Older Customer: *Angrily* “I remember when they were fifty cents!”

And she stormed out.