Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman With Fake Stones

, , , | Right | August 10, 2008

(A woman comes up to the counter with a tennis bracelet.)

Customer: “I’d like to have this professionally cleaned, please.”

Me: “We’d be happy to do that for you. Can you give me the value so that we can put that on the form for insurance?”

Customer: “Of course. It’s worth $15,000.”

Me: “Ma’am, for such a high value, I’ll need to verify that these are actually diamonds.”

Customer: “Of course they’re real diamonds! My husband gave that to me for our anniversary, and said it was diamonds!”

(I go and get our diamond tester from the back. If the stones are diamonds, the machine will beep. I test the bracelet in front of her. It doesn’t beep.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but these are more than likely cubic zirconia, and the highest value I could insure this bracelet for is $2,000.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you! Your machine must be broken!”

(I reach into the display case, and pull out a diamond ring. I silently test multiple stones, and the machine beeps as it should.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s functioning properly. We’ll be happy to send your bracelet out for cleaning, but will only be able to insure it for $2,000.”

(The woman’s face at this point is so contorted with rage she looks like she’s going to pop. She snatches the bracelet up and runs out of the store.)

Manager: “I’d like to be a fly on the wall, when he gets home!”

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Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

, , , | Right | August 7, 2008

Caller: “I have an explanation of insurance benefits I need help with. There’s a charge on here you didn’t pay for.”

Me: “It states here the billed amount is $0.00.”

Caller: “Yes. Why didn’t you pay anything on it?”

Me: “Well, there was no charge.”

Caller: “But you’re my insurance! You are supposed to pay.”

Me: “Ma’am, the doctor did not charge for this service. There was no amount billed.”

Caller: “So I have to pay the doctor?”

Me: “No, ma’am… he charged zero dollars. It was free.”

Caller: “I don’t see why I pay for insurance if you’re not going to pay.”

Me: “We gave the doctor what he asked for.”

Caller: “So you’re going to pay him?”

Me: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We’ll take care of this, and make sure you’re not charged.”

Caller: “Ha! I told my husband if I called and argued with you, you’d cave!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We do want to make you happy. Have a good day, now…”

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America’s Debt Crisis, Explained

, , | Right | August 4, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling cardholder service. How may I help you?”

Customer: “You sent me a bill. Why?”

Me: “May I please have your card number?”

Customer: “I threw it away when the balance was gone.”

Me: “Um… can I have your Social Security number?”

Customer: *gives number*

Me: “I show your current balance is $10,027.31, due on [upcoming date]. Would you like to make a payment today so you do not get a late fee?”

Customer: “What do you mean? Why did you send me a bill?”

Me: “Sir, because you purchased those items you are required to repay the account.”

Customer: “No. You gave me the money, so I spent it.”

Me: “A credit card is a short term loan. You are required to pay it back.”

Customer: “No, I’m not!” *click*

(This is the third call like this in the past month.)

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Thirteen Bucks Can Buy A Lot Of Beans

, , , | Right | August 4, 2008

Customer: “I hear there’s this stuff you can put on your food that won’t give you gas.”

Me: “Oh, yeah… it’s called Beano. Put a couple of drops on your food and the enzymes in it prevent the food from giving you gas.”

Customer: “So, you have it?”

Me: “Yep. I’ll show you.”

(We walk over to the shelf where Beano is kept. I show him the little 3 or 4 oz. bottle; a little goes a long way with that stuff.)

Me: “This is it.”

Customer: “How much?”

Me: “$12.99.”

Customer: “For THAT little bottle? S***, I’ll just fart!”

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Ah, Fathers, Part 3

, , , | Right | August 3, 2008

(I worked at a store that cashes peoples personal cheques. A young, 17-ish boy approaches me.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to cash this cheque, please.” *hands over information*

Me: “Okay, everything looks good. Can I have the cheque, please?”

Customer: “Sure.”

(I scan the cheque through and an account pops up. It had been used before only two hours previous at another one of our stores not far from my location.)

Me: “Just give me a moment. I need to go to the back to verify your cheque, and I’ll be back with your money.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(I go to the back of the store and call the number on the cheque. An older gentleman who I believe to be the customer’s father answers the phone.)

Customer’s Father: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, sir. I believe your son is here with a cheque that you gave him and that he is wanting it to be cashed. I just wanted to make sure this was correct as we have cashed one already today for the same amount.”

Customer’s Father: *calmly* “What’s your address?”

Me: “It’s [address].”

Customer’s Father: “I’ll be down there in a few minutes. I don’t live far… Just don’t let my son leave.”

(I head back to the front to talk to the young customer.)

Me: “Hey, sorry this is taking so long…”

Customer: *explodes* “WHATEVER! You’re taking forever! This is my dad’s g**d**n cheque and it’s good! Why are you taking so long?! He has lots of money and he gave this to me to cash so that I could have the money!” *rants*

(As he is ranting, a large man about the size of Vin Diesel comes in the store. The look on his face is sheer anger. He just stands there in the lobby as his son reams me out.)

Me: *to customer* “Why don’t you ask your father?”

Customer’s Father: “YOU LITTLE B*****D!”

(I have never seen a boy try to run so fast out the door in my life. He only makes it to the parking lot outside the store before his father nabs him. Let’s just say his buttocks learned the value of a dollar.)

 

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