Fifteen years ago when I was starting my career as a graphic designer, I was hired part-time by a small design agency. By “small” I mean that it was just the owner, a senior designer, and me. The salary was not high, but I was happy because it was really close to where I lived and I was building a real portfolio, apart from what I had made in design school.

One day, the owner asked me to make a logo for her husband’s company. She told me, really excitedly and proudly, that I would receive my first commission for doing the logo. She offered to pay 10% of the logo selling price. At the time, we sold logos for $150, so I was expecting to get about $15 as a commission. (I don’t live in America; this is converted to US dollars).

I designed a logo, and both my boss and her husband liked it. Everyone was happy… until I got my commission.

She added $1.50 to my paycheque.

Me: “Hey, I think you made a typo; you only paid me $1.50 for my commission.”

Client: “Oh, no, that’s right.”

Me: “So, you’re saying you sold my logo… for $15?”

Client: “Well, he is my husband. I gave him a discount!”

She smiled like she was really teaching me something. And I guess she was: to always negotiate in advance and never trust a client.

Later, I learned that the senior designer left when the owner pulled the same move, asking them to design a cookbook for “a friend”.

I am the author of the Stab Caesar Salad/Drug Grandma stories, and it’s time for another episode of this saga. Buckle up; this one’s a doozy. 

Grandma is almost ninety-four, and she’s sharp as a tack, but she’s an expert at playing stupid. She is super manipulative and really bad at handling her money. When she moved in with us, she was drowning in credit card debt. My dad, realizing he would be responsible for that debt if she died, immediately took control of her debit card, canceled all of her credit cards, and consolidated her debt. He then worked with her and managed to get it paid off.

Grandma was offended when none of the credit card companies sent her a thank-you card after she paid off her debt even though she was a “loyal customer that they know personally.”

Dad uses her debit card to pay for things like her prescriptions, special food she wants, copays on doctor visits, etc. He does not allow her to shop on [TV Shopping Network] anymore, and despite what she tells people, he does let her get a few things she wants — but only after her needs are taken care of.

My uncle is just as bad with money. He retired early, spent a few years traveling around America until he ran out of money, and now resides on his daughter’s couch. 

[Uncle] takes Grandma to her doctor’s appointments while my dad is working. Dad always gives [Uncle] Grandma’s debit card for the expenses. [Uncle] always has my cousin’s dog with him so he doesn’t have to go inside the doctor’s office with Grandma, and he gives her the debit card. She always gives it back when she’s done, and my dad gets it back when they get home. It’s a good system.

One day, we get some packages that are addressed to “Grandma [Last Name].” Only my cousin sends her packages with “Grandma” written on them instead of her first name. They are mega-expensive vitamins that Grandma saw in a commercial on TV claiming to be the best, and since commercials never lie, she had to have them. This wouldn’t be the first time she manipulated my cousin into buying her something either she already had at home or my dad had said no to for whatever reason.

My mom is pissed because Grandma makes her special-order vitamins that aren’t available in stores, and further questioning reveals that Grandma wants to be on both vitamins at the same time. Did she ask us to get her these new vitamins? No. Why?

Grandma: “I knew you would’ve just said no.”

Over the next week, several more packages of various expensive junk arrive addressed to “Grandma [Last Name].” We are confused. My dad calls my cousin, but she says she hasn’t bought Grandma any of that stuff.

Then, my dad gets the statement for Grandma’s debit card. One time, while at the doctor’s office, when my uncle was waiting in the car, she wrote down her debit card number on a scrap piece of paper and hid it. Dad and Grandma get into a huge argument that boils down to:

Grandma: “It’s my money! I should be able to spend it how I want!”

Dad: “Blowing your money on stupid s*** is how you got into debt in the first place!”

Grandma: “Well, I’m going to call my social worker and my lawyer, and they’ll make you give me complete control of my money!”

Dad: “You don’t have a lawyer!”

Grandma: “Then I’ll hire one!”

Dad: “You have no money!”

Grandma: “They’ll do it for free!”

This went on for almost half an hour. I removed the name-calling that was mostly done by my grandmother. She truly believed that she could get a lawyer to take her case for free (or nearly free) and she would win. Surprising no one, we never got a visit from a lawyer about this. Grandma could not understand why we were all mad at her. We were kind of hoping she would make good on her threat and call social services and they would take her away. 

Two or three weeks later, a social worker showed up at our house. (The social worker actually tried to visit earlier, but Dad was in a meeting at work and asked her to come back later.) Grandma actually called them, though she claimed ignorance. No one believed her and she didn’t understand why. The social worker talked to Grandma, and then she talked to my dad and came back with this:

Social Worker: “We can’t get her into a home permanently, but we can get her into one for a two-week period so you and your family can have a break from her.”

For whatever reason, my dad did not take her up on this offer.

Related:
We Should Totally Just Lock Grandma In The Bathroom (Not Really)
We Should Totally Just Drown Our Salads
We Should Totally Just Drug Grandma! (Not Really), Part 2
We Should Totally Just Drug Grandma! (Not Really)
We Should Totally Just Stab Caesar! (Salad), Part 2

I’m doing my weekly shopping. As I check out, the total seems rather high to me, so I pay and take the receipt to check it as the cashier goes on to check out the people behind me.

As I find the problem, the cashier has just checked out the last customer in line, so we have little time. 

Me: “Sorry, but I think something is wrong with my receipt. You see, here it states ‘Blackberries: 99,99 €’.”

Cashier #1: “Let me see that. Well, that’s rather odd. Did you have any blackberries?”

Well, if I had 100€ worth of blackberries, I think she would have noticed it. But I don’t want to be rude, so I skip the wisecracking.

Me: “No, I don’t have any blackberries. You can check my cart.”

Cashier #1: *Looking a bit stumped* “Well, that’s strange, then.”

Me: “If you don’t know what’s going on, I have a guess. You see this jam? It’s from a local manufacturer and not normally part of [Supermarket]’s stock. It’s labeled with a printout from the groceries section. Is it possible that this has caused the problem?”

Cashier #1: “It might have.”

She scans it again, and it comes out as “Blackberries: 99,99€”.

Cashier #1: “You’re right; that is the problem. So, to get your money back, you have to go to the information desk and show that to my colleague.”

I go to the information desk and explain what happened. [Cashier #2] rolls her eyes and grabs the in-house phone.

Cashier #2: *Without introduction* “Did they not tell you that you are not supposed to scan that jam? You have to enter a code that’s listed with the others.” *Pauses* “Okay, so now you know. Bye.”

Then, she turns back to me.

Cashier #2: “We are sorry about that. Those jars of jam are a little tricky. Here is your money back.”

In the following weeks, I had fun telling everyone about my 100€ jam.

It’s a busy morning at the hotel where I work, and the phone rings.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How may I assist you?”

Man: “We just checked out of your hotel, and the lady who checked us in told us we would get our deposit back. When are we supposed to get it back?”

Me: “Since you’re checked out, the hotel has released your deposit. If you used a credit card, you should be seeing it returned very soon — sometime later today if you haven’t received it already. But if you used a debit card, it may take up to three to five business days to see the reflection of your balance.”

Man: “Oh, okay, I see. Hold on, my wife wants to talk.”

I hear jostling noises, and then a loud woman takes over.

Woman: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FIVE DAYS?! I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW LONG YOUR CRAPPY HOTEL WAS PLANNING ON KEEPING MY FIFTY DOLLARS! I NEED YOU TO GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. When you checked out, the hotel already released your authorization. It’s up to your bank how fast you will see that deposit come back.”

Woman: “LOOK. FIVE BUSINESS DAYS IS UNACCEPTABLE! I AM ON A TRIP, AND I DIDN’T PLAN FOR ANY EXTRA FEES! YOU NEED TO GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but since you’re already checked out, there’s nothing else I can do on my end to expedite the process. You should give your bank a call.”

Woman: “HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WE CHECKED OUT?! WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE YOU RELEASED THE AUTHORIZATION?! I NEED YOU GUYS TO SEND ME MY MONEY BACK!”

Me: “You already told me you checked out. But I am happy to look at the reservation for you. What’s the last name?”

Woman: “THE LAST NAME IS [LAST NAME]”

I quickly look up the reservation. In departures, at the very top of the list, is the reservation for her last name, booked through an online travel agency. It says, “CHECKED OUT,” in bold letters.

Me: “Ah, yes, ma’am, you are indeed checked out. We released your authorization this morning. It’s up to the bank how soon you will see that deposit.”

Woman: “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIX THIS?!”

Me: “You should consider calling your bank.”

Woman: “WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! JUST LEAVE MY THREE KIDS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD?!”

Me: “I’d imagine you should probably call your bank. They should be able to get it sorted out.”

Woman: “YOU NEED TO SEND ME MY MONEY BACK RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I have already explained this to you. There’s nothing we can do any further to get your $50 back to you any faster. If you are having trouble not seeing the authorization released any faster, you should talk to your bank as they are the ones still holding your funds.”

Woman: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “Ah, I understand. Unfortunately, it’s my manager’s day off. I can transfer you to her voicemail if you would like?”

Woman: “NO, THAT ISN’T GOING TO WORK! I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO CALL MY BANK TO GET MY MONEY BACK! WE’RE NEVER RETURNING AGAIN!

Then, she hung up. (Thank God.)

First Deskians 1:15: “Poor planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine.”

Later, housekeeping told me that these very specific guests had also stolen two pillows — the ones that are $24.99 each.

I am in high school, meeting with the school’s guidance counselor to discuss my plans after graduation. I let her know that I am going to attend community college first to do my prerequisites and then a university for the field I am interested in. She heavily discourages this plan because I was accepted into a university; she says I should skip community college because I am “better than that”. She thinks I should take out a student loan and go straight to university. I explain that I want to save as much money as possible. She gets my parents involved, who are annoyed since they are the ones encouraging me to go about it this way and offering to help me through community college. 

A few years down the road, I am now graduating from college. I continued to stay at the community college since I switched to a degree that could be finished through community college, and I am engaged. 

My mom and I are out shopping when we see my old guidance counselor. We say hi, and she asks how I am doing. 

Me: “I’ve been well. I’m graduating this semester and am working on my way to becoming a kindergarten teacher at the daycare I’m working at. I’m engaged and getting married this summer.”

Mom: “She’s also graduating without any debt from student loans.”

Guidance Counselor: “That’s wonderful news. I actually want to apologize for pushing university so hard on you in high school. [Her Daughter, who I graduated with] is already $40,000 in debt from student loans. It’s going to take her years to pay them off, and she’s not even done with her degree yet. I’m now encouraging students to go to community college first.”

I’m happy she changed her stance on it, but I feel for all the students prior to her daughter going to college for whom she pushed student loans for university.