A customer makes a $5 purchase and pays with a $20 bill, so I just hand them $15 in change.

Customer: “You’re not going to type the twenty into the register?”

Me: “No, I just hit the sale button. I don’t need the register to count the change.”

Customer: “How do I know you’re not short-changing me?!”

Me: “You paid with a twenty, and the item is five.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Twenty minus five is fifteen.”

Customer: “But without the register, how can you know that?”

Me: “Because I did the math in my head.”

Customer: “Bulls***! No one can do math in their head!”

Me: “Would you prefer I enter your twenty into the register?”

Customer: “Yes!”

I oblige and type the twenty into the register which, of course, informs us both that the change should be fifteen. The customer looks at the fifteen on the register, at the fifteen in bills on the counter, and then at me. 

Customer: *Grabbing the change* “Lucky guess!”

Customer: “Oh, is it okay if I use my £50 note for this, and pay the rest on my card, please?”

Me: “Of course!”

Customer: “Thank you! God, I must be the worst customer!”

Me: “You said, ‘Thank you.’ That alone puts you ahead of 99% of the other customers.”

Customer: “Oh, wow! You poor person!” 

Me: “You think I’m a person! You’re in the upper 0.1% range now!”

My name is Jose, and I live in California. I received an email from a potential client.

Client: “I am interested in one of your illustrations. I have a budget of 30 USD.”

Me: “I am truly sorry, sir, but that budget isn’t adequate for my illustration services.”

Client: “I don’t think you understood. That’s 30 dollars American, not pesos, amigo. I need that illustration done by tomorrow — in other words… pronto. Can you do it?”

Me: “Wow.”

Client: “Yeah, now you get it. That should pay for a whole month of cerveza and tacos.”

Related:
Totally Estúpido! Part 30
Totally Estúpido! Part 29
Totally Estúpido! Part 28
Totally Estúpido! Part 27
Totally Estúpido! Part 26

During church service one day, after the tithes are collected, I notice that our pastor mutters something to one of the ushers and tries to continue as normal, though he seems somewhat annoyed through the entire sermon for reasons he doesn’t seem to want to talk about.

The next Sunday, though, he decides to be fairly blunt about what disrupted the sermon.

Pastor: “You all might wonder why I seemed so agitated last Sunday. I will be blunt: it’s because someone came in and put nearly $500 in those fake notes that are meant to trick waiters into thinking they’re being tipped well only to crush their spirits when they unfold them by having a Bible verse or a plea to attend Church in place of receiving money. This was not a singular large note, but multiple of them, gathered over a large amount of time.”

The audience murmurs a bit and looks about to see if anyone might be outing themselves with obvious guilt. A fair few of the members of the church, including me, are waitstaff and we would be completely beside ourselves if we ended up on the other end of this. Then, our pastor continues.

Pastor: “Now, I will only say a few things. We are now banned from [Restaurant we would often go to after service concluded] because someone either by accident or on purpose used one of these to pay their check, and not just to harass some poor person thinking they were seeing an example of human goodwill only to have it crushed. Doing that was the final straw for the owner to okay them dumping every single fake tip they’ve received on us. Whoever this is was arrogant enough to have our church’s name printed on it — and their name — which I will not say in public, though I am going to have a very stern talk with them afterward and urge them to go and pay the restaurant the owed money they failed to pay — I am being very charitable in assuming it was by accident — before the restaurant takes it into their own hands to call the police on them. The only reason they haven’t is because they’re giving the congregation as a whole the benefit of the doubt that we didn’t encourage this. Now then, on to the service.”

What followed was a very chastising lesson about Greed and how awful and cruel it can get, laced with especially harsh condemnations on how evil it was to disguise Greed under the veil of charity or kindness — like scamming workers out of the money they deserve and acting like it was being Godly because you were telling them to go to church.

Whoever it was either skipped that day or was very good at holding it together because nobody broke or stormed out. But, given that the following Sunday, the church “mean girls” (i.e., those hypocritical fifty-five-plus church women who say they’re good Christian women but gossip, look down on others, and generally treat the Golden Rule as more of a Golden Suggestion) were missing half of their number, it was kind of an open secret who the culprit(s) was/were. 

We did get unbanned from the restaurant eventually, but only after they moved to those smart devices that automatically add the tip to credit card payments and added a rule that if you’re paying cash, you include the intended tip with the meal payment, which I don’t blame them for.

I am calling a customer who maxed out their credit card within the first month of having it but hasn’t made a single payment back in the last four months.

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, is this [Customer]?”

Customer: “Yeah… what do you want?”

Me: “This is [Credit Card Company] calling about your account with us. It’s currently overdue for a payment, and—”

Customer: *Click*

No surprises there. I call back to give the customer the benefit of the doubt that it was an accidental disconnect. When I call back, I get an older-sounding man on the phone.

Customer’s Dad: “This is [Customer]’s father, and I will not have you scammers harassing my daughter! Lose this number now, or I am calling the police!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that I am not a scammer. I am calling from [Credit Card Company] about your daughter’s account. I can’t discuss any matters with you about this as an unauthorized user, but again, I can assure you that this isn’t a scam.”

There is a moment of silence, and then I can hear the father speaking to his daughter.

Customer’s Dad: “Did you get a credit card with [Bank]?”

Customer: “Yeah, but they said it was interest-free! I shouldn’t have to pay that back!”

Customer’s Dad: “That’s not what…”

There is the sound of a massive sigh from the father, and I can almost see him face-palming as he processes this information.

Customer’s Dad: “You still have to pay the money back. Interest-free just means there’s a period where they won’t charge interest while you pay it back.”

Customer: “Nuh-uh, Sharon told me it means you don’t have to pay it back.”

Customer’s Dad: “Sharon doesn’t have two brain cells to throw together.”

The customer’s dad returns his attention to me and asks if I can tell him information about the situation if his daughter authorizes him over the phone. I say I can, and he gets her to do so.

I then explain how the credit card was maxed out within ten days of activation and now needs to start being repaid.

Customer’s Dad: “How was she authorized for a credit card in the first place?! She doesn’t even have a job!”

Me: “She marked herself as employed when she made the application, and our records indicate that she received monthly payments for the last three months that matched her stated salary.”

Customer’s Dad: “Were those salary payments from [Company]?”

Me: “They were.”

Customer’s Dad: “She was fired from that job for not showing up. She hasn’t worked for months.”

Me: “That is unfortunate, and we can discuss an extension of her payment plan if that is the case, but I’m afraid we do need to settle on a confirmed plan today to stop her account from moving into debt collection.”

He turns his attention back to his daughter.

Customer’s Dad: “[Customer], you need to start paying this card back. How much can you start paying back today?”

Customer: “I have like… $3 in my account.”

Customer’s Dad: “I’m not loaning you any money.”

Customer: “But Daaaad! Make them go away! They’re giving me anxiety!”

Customer’s Dad: “You went ahead and signed up for a credit card under your own name, maxed it out, and ignored it? I can’t make them go away! I can’t make them do a d*** thing! You need to go out and get a job and pay it back.”

Customer: “But that’s not faaaaair!”

Customer’s Dad: “You’re eighteen; you’re an adult now. Welcome to the real world.”

He handed the phone back to his daughter, who started crying as I tried to go through the legal specifics with her. In the end, we came up with a plan to call her again next week so she could aim to have a source of income, and then we would discuss a new payment plan. 

The credit card was only for about $1,000, so not a huge sum, but enough to hopefully teach her some financial responsibility in the future!

Related: 
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 116
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 115
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part… *Quiet Sobbing*
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 114
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 113