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Unconcentrated Juice

, , , | Right | May 31, 2010

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. My name is [My Name] and I’ll be talking care of you today. What may I get you to drink?”

Customer: “Where am I?!”

Customer’s Daughter: “She’ll have a vodka on the rocks… straight.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Who are you?! Where’s my juice?!”

Me: “Um…” *looks at customer, then back at the daughter* “Are you sure?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Trust me; the vodka is the only thing that shuts her up.”

(I bring them the vodka.)

Customer: “Who are you!? My juice is funny!”

(Three vodkas later…)

Me: “How was your meal, ladies?”

Customer: “You smell nice and you have good juice.”

Indoor Trees Are An Absolute Debarkle

, , , | Right | May 29, 2010

(I am working in the garden shop. Note that we’re experiencing 60 mph winds.)

Customer: “You people really have a problem out here!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, what seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “You have trees blowing over all over the place!”

Me: “I do apologize. We have been trying to contain them, but Mother Nature is winning.”

Customer: “Screw your Mother Nature! Just take them inside. It’s where they belong, anyway!”


This story is part of our Customers Versus Mother Nature roundup!

Read the next Mother Nature roundup story!

Read the Mother Nature roundup!

In Need Of Humble Pi

, , , , | Right | May 5, 2010

Me: “Would you like to donate to [Charity] today?”

Customer: “Okay. Round my total up to $30.”

(I pull out a calculator to figure out how much it is to round up to $30. The customer’s total is $25.78.)

Customer: “It’s sad that you need a calculator to figure that out. It’s $7.32.”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, it’s $4.22.”

Customer: “Oh.”


This story is part of our “Customers terrible at math” roundup!

Read the next “Customers terrible at math” roundup story!

Read the “Customers terrible at math” roundup!

Your Stupidity Has No Match

, , , , , | Right | March 21, 2010

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I wanted to take advantage of your price match policy on this refrigerator.”

(He hands me a copy of a competitor’s ad with said refrigerator.)

Me: “Okay, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “That’s okay; I can look it up.”

(After utilizing several different ways to look up a receipt, I still haven’t found one.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m having a hard time finding your receipt and without that, I can’t give you your money.”

Customer: “I haven’t bought the refrigerator from you.”

Me: “Oh! Okay, so you want to purchase it and match the price?”

Customer: “No! I purchased the refrigerator from [Competitor] and you have it cheaper, so I want you guys to pay me the difference.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight. You bought a refrigerator from [Competitor] and we have it cheaper here, so you want me to give you money for a fridge that you didn’t purchase from here, and have no intentions of purchasing from here?”

Customer: “Right! Your price match plus guarantee!”

Me: “Ma’am, in order for us to give you the difference, you would have had to purchase the item from our store.”

Customer: “That’s false advertising! You have to give me the money! I’m going to sue!”

Me: “Ma’am, unfortunately, we can’t just give you money for something you didn’t purchase from us.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, we wouldn’t make any money then and the company would go out of business.”

Customer: “Like that’s my fault!” *storms out of store*


This story is part of the American States roundup!

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Hamming It Up

, , , | Right | March 17, 2010

Customer: “I’m not sure what to get. Do you have any suggestions?”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am! The oven-roasted turkey is very popular, and the black pepper chicken is quite good.”

Customer: “What about this ham? Have you tried it?”

Me: “I haven’t, no, but would you like a sample?”

Customer: “Why haven’t you tried it? Is it gross?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I haven’t tried it because it’s not kosher.”

Customer: “You work here. You should have tried everything!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. Would you like a sample?”

Customer: “No! I want you to try it first!”

Me: “I’m not going to eat the ham.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not very Christian of you, is it?”