(My boss announces that someone I work with is leaving for another job. I’m the tech guy.)

Boss: “I want you to make a power-point show about [Departing Coworker] and play it at the office party. I’ll send you a bunch of photographs you can use to celebrate their time here. And I want it to be set to music.”

(An easy enough assignment, but it was the boss himself who was leaving. He basically assigned me to make a schmaltzy presentation about how much he would be missed. I gladly did it; I was so happy to see the self-important a** leave.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [My Company]. This is [My Name]; how may I help you today?”

Member: “Oh, honey, no. This isn’t gonna work. Transfer me out; your voice is just too squeaky.”

(When I am a small child, I am terrified that there are monsters in my room at night.)

Me: “Mom! There’s a monster under my bed!”

Mom: “Will you knock it off? We go through this every night. There is no monster under your bed. THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MONSTERS!”

Me: “Mom?”

Mom: “Yes?”

Me: “There’s a gorilla under my bed.”

(She couldn’t tell me there were no such things as gorillas, now could she?)

(I work at a fast food build-your-own-sandwich restaurant.)

Customer: *inquires about a new sandwich that we’ve just begun selling*

Me: “Oh, yes, it’s fantastic. I tried one when we first started selling it so I could give an honest opinion, but unfortunately, I can’t really eat it often because of my diet.”

Customer: “You don’t look like you diet.”

(I had just lost ten pounds and was feeling really proud of myself until she said that.)

(My dog breaks a bracelet my long-distance girlfriend gave to me when she visited my area a few months ago. Thankfully, she still has the link for me to buy it online so I can replace it, so I do. I tell my dad that it will be delivered on Wednesday, a day he has off, so he can keep an eye out while I am at work.)

Dad: “So, how much did the bracelet cost, anyway?”

Me: “Oh, it was only nine dollars.”

Dad: “Nine dollars?! That’s so expensive!”

Me: “Dad. There is a middle-ground between a 1k diamond bracelet and the cheapo plastic jewelry you buy out of those dispenser things for a quarter at the roller rink. It’s fairly inexpensive, especially for a bracelet actually made out of gems and not plastic, even if it’s just agates and some lava rock.”

Dad: “Well, okay, when you put it that way…”

(What world does he live in where a nine-dollar bracelet is crazy expensive? Should I be worried about the stuff he’s bought for my mom?)