(My mother straight up lies about health problems to get attention. She’s been like that my entire life, and I’m unfortunately the only one of her children who can see it. I’ve gotten some bad news and take the family out for dinner to break it to them.)

Me: “So I know this was planned last minute, but I figured we should all talk a bit.”

Youngest Sister: “Yeah, Dad went to the doctor! It’s good news!”

Stepfather: “Tumor isn’t cancerous. Simple surgery and I’m good.”

Me: “That’s awesome!”

Middle Sister: “Yeah, and Mom—”

Mother: “I have a lump. The doctors are worried. It could be life threatening. They’re already talking chemo.”

Me: *suspicious* “Where’s the lump?”

Mother: “On my neck. It’s small. You can’t see it.”

Brother: “Wait, you said it was on your chest, and that it was big.”

Mother: “No, no. It’s on my neck, near my thyroid.”

Me: *quietly* “I highly doubt that.”

Middle Sister: “What do you mean you doubt that? Mom could have cancer!”

Me: “No, she has an imaginary lump that’s already changed places. She’s upset that [Stepfather] got all that attention about his tumor, so now she’s decided she needs one, too.”

Mother: “I have a tumor! It’s on my thyroid!”

Me: “Which doctor did you go to?”

Mother: “I don’t have to prove anything to you!”

Me: “I called you and invited you all out to dinner because I found out yesterday that I have thyroid cancer. So, mother, please enlighten me about this tiny lump so small that you can’t even see it has your doctors worried and already talking chemo. How did you discover the lump? How do you know it’s a tumor? When was the biopsy? Is it malignant or benign? Why chemo and not radiation?” *uncomfortable silence* “Yeah, I thought so. When you stop lying, feel free to call me about [Stepfather]’s surgery. Otherwise, I don’t want to hear anything from you.”

(She tried to keep up the act for a while, gaining sympathy via social media about her “mysterious lump” that disappeared after a week or so. Then she was convinced she had pneumonia after the family all caught a cold. Then she was in the hospital because she “collapsed.” I found out she went to the ER by herself for no reason. Eventually everyone caught on and stopped paying her any mind. None of us kids talk to her anymore if we can help it.)

(My husband and I are expecting our first baby. My husband’s supervisor wants to send him out of state for a week of training right after the baby is due. His supervisor calls me.)

Supervisor: “Well, I know that you’re due to have your baby soon, but I really want [Husband] to go to this week-long training session.”

Me: “Hey, you know that white couch your wife has in the living room?”

Supervisor: “Yes.”

Me: “If you send [Husband] out for that training session, when I go into labor I’m coming over to your house and having this baby on that couch.”

(My husband’s supervisor decided that he could put off the training for a while.)

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(I work in a fast food restaurant. We frequently park cars in the drive-thru that are waiting longer than usual so we can keep the line moving. I walk in one day and this is the conversation I hear:)

Customer: “Have you seen my car?”

Employee: “Uh, what?”

Customer: “You guys had me pull forward, but you forgot my ketchup. So I had to come back in for it. Now my car is gone.”

Employee: “I have no idea what happened to your car.”

Customer: “Someone stole my car! I need to call the police!” *runs out of building frantically*

Employee: *to me* “I have no idea what’s going on.”

(A few minutes later the man comes back in.)

Customer: “I found my car. It’s in the ditch across the street. Someone crashed my car in the ditch! Who would do that?”

Employee: “I don’t know, sir; do you need me to get the manager?”

Customer: “Yes! This is ridiculous.”

(The police arrived, to discover that he had left his keys in his manual car and left it in gear, and it had rolled across the street all on its own. He waited outside for the tow truck, very embarrassed.)

(I’m invited to a get-together with coworkers. It’s the beginning of summer and a perfect evening, so the small group of us sit outside talking for a couple hours with a few drinks. Everyone there works together except for the wife and a friend of the host, who I have never met before. I’m the last to leave and as my coworker gets up to leave before me, the host follows, and I’m left alone with the friend outside. We start talking, just about what we do, where we’re from, etc., when he springs this one me. For context, I’m female.)

Friend: “So, I have a kind of strange question for you.”

Me: “Okay.”

Friend: “Would you prefer it if, when a guy wanted to ask you out, he was more bold or more subtle about it?”

Me: *smiling awkwardly* “Uh…”

Friend: “So, like, do you prefer it when a guy says something like ’Would you maybe want to go get a drink or hang out sometime?’ or something like ‘I’d like to take you out tonight?’ Which one would you be more likely to respond positively to? Which one would you rather hear?”

Me: *internally panicking, thinking this guy I met about two hours prior and is a friend of my coworker is trying to ask me out right now* “Uh, well, I guess I think it would depend on the guy, how well I knew him, and the situation overall. Yeah, it would depend.”

Friend: “Okay, yeah. There’s this girl back home who I’ve been wanting to ask out for a while, but I don’t know how to do it.”

(I breathed a sigh of relief and went on to give him some advice on his situation. Pro-tip A: Don’t ask strangers for dating advice, because Pro-tip B: They’re going to think you’re asking them out, out of the blue, and get freaked out.)

(It’s the last week of school, senior year, and I’ve brought my violin to school because I’ve never been able to properly play it for my friends. Our school is so small that our marching and concert bands are combined, meaning anyone who wants to be in band needs to pick brass, woodwinds, or percussion. The only other option is the jazz band, which is restricted only to people who are in the regular school band. Therefore, I never applied to either.)

Me: *fiddling, with my friends clapping along*

Band Director: *butts into the middle of the circle* “Stop! Stop!”

(We do, fearing we’re in trouble,)

Band Director: “[My Name], since when do you play the violin?”

Me: “Since I was… eight or nine? Why?”

Band Director: “Why didn’t you ever apply for band?!”

Me: “I didn’t want to play the trumpet or sax.”

Band Director: *annoyed now* “No, I meant jazz band. You should have applied, you know.”

My Friend: “You specifically tell people not to bother applying for jazz band unless they’re already in band.”

Me: “You also laughed me out of the room when I asked you what to do if I wanted to play an instrument that’s not in the marching band.”

Band Director: *turns red* “W-well, you should have persisted! Or gotten someone to vouch for you! Well, there’s nothing you can do to fix this now.”

(He walked off, muttering to himself about me being a “waste of talent.” Even if I did want to join the band, I think I dodged a bullet with him.)

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