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Not The Way You Traditionally Drop Acid

, , , | Learning | June 16, 2017

(I am getting my degree in biochemistry and taking a lab course. One of the labs is to ‘digest’ leafy greens to determine the metal content. The greens are digested by boiling them in concentrated nitric acid. Somehow I forget you aren’t supposed to pipette an acid, and while trying to measure the nitric acid, the bulb slips. I feel one drop hit my skin and it starts to burn, so I stick my arm under running water.)

Professor: “Spilled acid on yourself?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Professor: “Nitric acid burns tend to turn orange, so don’t be alarmed if that happens.”

(I was very disappointed; my acid burn didn’t turn orange.)

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In The Name Of Fraud

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2017

(I work behind the service desk of a grocery store that offers Western Union. For fraud protection, the max amount of money you can send to someone without requiring ID (but must require a test question) is $299.00. For the past few months, a gentleman going by the name Willis would stop in to send money to the same two people every day. He claims that both of those people do not have ID and will send the max amount. After a week of this, I sense something odd going on so I talk to my manager. She waves it off and tells me to keep sending the money. This goes on for a few months until I’m sent to a different store for some training. As I’m closing up the desk at the store I’m training at, I’m sorting through some Western Unions and notice very familiar handwriting along with a very familiar address… The only problem is that the sender is going by the name ‘Thompson.’ The next day I’m back at my old store and Willis/Thompson walks up to send more money.)

Me: “I’m sorry but I can’t send money today.”

Customer: “Why not? You had no problem before.”

Me: “Because I can’t tell if you’re Willis today or Thompson. Which is it?”

(The customer hurried out of the store. It’s been three months and I haven’t seen the man return.)

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Not Even A Lump Of Truth

, , , | Related | June 14, 2017

(My mother straight up lies about health problems to get attention. She’s been like that my entire life, and I’m unfortunately the only one of her children who can see it. I’ve gotten some bad news and take the family out for dinner to break it to them.)

Me: “So I know this was planned last minute, but I figured we should all talk a bit.”

Youngest Sister: “Yeah, Dad went to the doctor! It’s good news!”

Stepfather: “Tumor isn’t cancerous. Simple surgery and I’m good.”

Me: “That’s awesome!”

Middle Sister: “Yeah, and Mom—”

Mother: “I have a lump. The doctors are worried. It could be life threatening. They’re already talking chemo.”

Me: *suspicious* “Where’s the lump?”

Mother: “On my neck. It’s small. You can’t see it.”

Brother: “Wait, you said it was on your chest, and that it was big.”

Mother: “No, no. It’s on my neck, near my thyroid.”

Me: *quietly* “I highly doubt that.”

Middle Sister: “What do you mean you doubt that? Mom could have cancer!”

Me: “No, she has an imaginary lump that’s already changed places. She’s upset that [Stepfather] got all that attention about his tumor, so now she’s decided she needs one, too.”

Mother: “I have a tumor! It’s on my thyroid!”

Me: “Which doctor did you go to?”

Mother: “I don’t have to prove anything to you!”

Me: “I called you and invited you all out to dinner because I found out yesterday that I have thyroid cancer. So, mother, please enlighten me about this tiny lump so small that you can’t even see it has your doctors worried and already talking chemo. How did you discover the lump? How do you know it’s a tumor? When was the biopsy? Is it malignant or benign? Why chemo and not radiation?” *uncomfortable silence* “Yeah, I thought so. When you stop lying, feel free to call me about [Stepfather]’s surgery. Otherwise, I don’t want to hear anything from you.”

(She tried to keep up the act for a while, gaining sympathy via social media about her “mysterious lump” that disappeared after a week or so. Then she was convinced she had pneumonia after the family all caught a cold. Then she was in the hospital because she “collapsed.” I found out she went to the ER by herself for no reason. Eventually everyone caught on and stopped paying her any mind. None of us kids talk to her anymore if we can help it.)

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Replacing A Labor Coach With A Labor Couch

, , , , , , | Working | June 10, 2017

(My husband and I are expecting our first baby. My husband’s supervisor wants to send him out of state for a week of training right after the baby is due. His supervisor calls me.)

Supervisor: “Well, I know that you’re due to have your baby soon, but I really want [Husband] to go to this week-long training session.”

Me: “Hey, you know that white couch your wife has in the living room?”

Supervisor: “Yes.”

Me: “If you send [Husband] out for that training session, when I go into labor I’m coming over to your house and having this baby on that couch.”

(My husband’s supervisor decided that he could put off the training for a while.)

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Has To Ketchup With His Car

, , , | Right | June 7, 2017

(I work in a fast food restaurant. We frequently park cars in the drive-thru that are waiting longer than usual so we can keep the line moving. I walk in one day and this is the conversation I hear:)

Customer: “Have you seen my car?”

Employee: “Uh, what?”

Customer: “You guys had me pull forward, but you forgot my ketchup. So I had to come back in for it. Now my car is gone.”

Employee: “I have no idea what happened to your car.”

Customer: “Someone stole my car! I need to call the police!” *runs out of building frantically*

Employee: *to me* “I have no idea what’s going on.”

(A few minutes later the man comes back in.)

Customer: “I found my car. It’s in the ditch across the street. Someone crashed my car in the ditch! Who would do that?”

Employee: “I don’t know, sir; do you need me to get the manager?”

Customer: “Yes! This is ridiculous.”

(The police arrived, to discover that he had left his keys in his manual car and left it in gear, and it had rolled across the street all on its own. He waited outside for the tow truck, very embarrassed.)

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