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It’s Not A Party If There’s No Banjo

, , , , | Friendly | August 12, 2017

Me: “Guess what I did last night!”

Coworker: “Partaaaay?”

Me: “What? Me? On a Friday night? Partying?”

Coworker: “No partaaay?”

Me: “No, I learned how to play the banjo.”

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Just Another Manic Tuesday

, , , | Working | August 11, 2017

(At the time I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just arrived a half-hour late to my OB appointment because I had gotten the appointment time screwed up. Luckily, they are able to squeeze me in. The following exchange takes place with my OB’s nurse. Needless to say we were both having off days!)

Nurse: “And how are we feeling today?”

Me: “Very tired. I’m not sure if I’m coming or going today.”

Nurse: “Oh, I know the feeling! Instead of testing your urine for glucose, I ran a pregnancy test. The good news is that you’re pregnant!”

(We both have a good laugh at this.)

Me: “Well, that’s good to know. Otherwise I would think there was something seriously wrong with me. I guess we both have a case of the Mondays today.”

(The nurse gives me a funny look.)

Nurse: “Actually, it’s Tuesday…”

(We both started cracking up again. Luckily the rest of my day went much smoother. I hope the same was true for the nurse!)

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Has Been Volunteering That Information

, , , , | Right | August 9, 2017

(I live very close to a library and often go there to help out. The librarians all know and respect me. I am however, quite young.)

Librarian: “Hello, [My Name].”

Me: “Hello! Anything you need done today?”

Librarian: “Could you shelve the books?”

(I start shelving the books — a whole cart full — when this particular patron comes in.)

Patron: *looking at me* “You know, you really shouldn’t be messing with their books. They work hard to shelve them!”

Me: “I am shelving them. I volunteer here.”

Patron: “No, you don’t! You’re too young to be working here!”

Me: “I don’t work here. I volunteer here.”

(The patron keeps badgering me, so I ignore her and keep working. When I’m almost done with the cart, she comes back.)

Patron: “Why are you still messing with the books? You don’t work here!”

Me: “Fine! Ask me anything about this library; I’ll answer correctly.”

Patron: “How much for printing?”

Me: “A black and white page is 25 cents, a color text page is one dollar, and a color image is two dollars.”

Patron: “Anyone can do that.” *seeing a librarian come out of the back room* “Miss! Did you know this girl has been messing up your books for the past hour?”

Librarian: “[My Name]? No, she was shelving them. She volunteers here.”

Patron: *taken aback* “Well, I bet she shelved them wrong.”

Librarian: *doing a quick run through* “Nope. They are all here. [My Name], how about a cookie?”

(I march myself into the back room, get a cookie, and eat it in front of the awestruck patron.)

Patron: *huffs and angrily stomps out of the library*

Me: “By the way, those books are due back in two weeks!”

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I’ll Have The Turkey Fish

, , | Right | August 7, 2017

(I am second in line at a local sandwich shop. The customer in front of me has a laughable exchange with the employee.)

Employee: “Hello. How may I help you?”

Customer: “What kind of meats are on the [Sandwich]?”

Employee: “Ham, salami, and pepperoni.”

Customer: “Are any of those turkey?”

Employee: *hesitates for a few seconds looking puzzled* “No.”

Customer: “I will have a tuna sub on wheat bread.”

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I Propose A Roast!

, , , | Friendly | June 25, 2017

Friend #1: *exceedingly drunk* “I just want to lay on the fire and roast. Friend #2, lie on it with me! We can hug each other and burn like an Oreo sandwich. [My Name], do you want to watch two guys roasting on a fire?”

Me: “Uhm… I’d rather not. Besides, I’d probably munch on your corpses, and do you want your last memory to be some weird fat chick eating your body?”

Friend #1: “Dude! You’re not fat!”

Me: *laughing* “I love that THAT is what you took issue with in that whole thing.”

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