No Aptitude For Latitude

| | Right | November 23, 2009

(I am a customer standing behind a couple, obviously from overseas. The ticket lady had just told them that the cable car is out of order because it’s being serviced.)

Customer: “That’s unacceptable! We’ve come all the way to see the top of Table Mountain!”

(I see that the ticket lady is tired of explaining the same thing over and over, so I chip in.)

Me: “They have to service the cable car because it’s off-season. They don’t want people to get hurt if the cable car breaks.”

Customer: “Well, it’s summer where we come from!”

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The Land Of Milk And Money

, | | Right | November 23, 2009

(I am working at a packing house, cutting checks for local dairy farmers who sell us one or two cows at a time. They are given a scale ticket in the barn, which I use to cut a check.)

Me: “Hi, can I have your scale ticket?”

Farmer: “I’d like him to help me.” *points at a USDA associate*

Me: “Sorry, sir, but he doesn’t work for us. He works for the USDA.”

Farmer: “Well, I’d like you to find a MAN who can cut me a check for my cows.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but none of the men that work here know how to cut checks. All our office staff members are women.”

Farmer: “Don’t lie, you little hussy! Only men can run a business! You go back to making coffee!”

Me: “Sir, you run a dairy farm, correct?”

Farmer: “Yeah.”

Me: “And you make money from the milk you sell?”

Farmer: “That’s how a dairy farm works, sweetheart. Now get me a–”

Me: “So, basically, milk is money to you?”

Farmer: “Yes. Now get me a–”

Me: “And does the milk come from male cattle?”

Farmer: “Ha ha! NO!”

Me: *pointed look*

Farmer: *hands me the scale ticket*

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We Are The Law

| | Right | November 4, 2009

(I’m helping at a comics show. Nearby are two men dressed in costumes as street judges from the comic Judge Dredd. A customer runs up to my store, clearly flustered.)

Customer: “I need help, I lost my drawing!”

Me: “A drawing? What type of drawing?”

Customer: “The artist at the signing table did a drawing of Spiderman for me and I lost it! I need the police!”

Me: “Okay, did you put it down at a stand or anything?”

Customer: “Yes…no. No, I think it was stolen.”

Me: “Somebody actually took it from you?”

Customer: “No, but, hey!” *looks and points at the street judges* “They’ll help me! Hey, guys!”

(The two judges come over to us at the desk.)

Judge Dredd: “What’s the matter?”

Me: “It’s okay, don’t worry. This man’s just lost a drawing.”

Customer: “I didn’t lose it, it was stolen. I want you guys to go find it.”

Judge Minty: “You serious?”

Customer: “Yes! Go! This b**** is useless!”

(Judge Dredd suddenly pulls big, obviously fake, gun from holster and points it at the customer.)

Judge Dredd: “You really want to talk to the lady like that?”

Customer: “Ahhh!” *runs away into exhibit hall*

(About forty minutes, later the same customer comes back to my desk clutching a rolled up sketch. He’s eyeing the main doors, in front of which the two judges are posing for photos.)

Customer, to me: “Um, is there another exit?”

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Just Follow The Purple Brick Road

| | Right | October 30, 2009

(At the bike rental shop where I work, we usually give customers a map of the area to know the route they’re taking.)

Customer: “Which of these routes do we take?”

Me: “You’re going to follow the bike path. It’s the purple one on your map.”

Customer: “Oh, perfect!” *to her friends* “We just have to look for a purple trail!”

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Living On The Edge Vs. Driving Off Of It

| | Right | September 11, 2009

Customer: “I get to drive my own buggy, right?”

Me: “Yep. Of course, you are guided, but that’s only because the instructors know where the cliffs are. You’ll be chasing one.”

Customer: “A guide? I’ll be chasing a guide? What if he goes over a cliff?”

Me: “Well, they always keep groups away from the cliffs.”

Customer: “But what if I want to go over a cliff?”

Me: “If that’s the case, I don’t think we can take a check for your damage deposit.”

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