A Funny Lark That’s Tough To Swallow

| North Carolina, USA | Right | April 23, 2010

Me: “Raptor rehabilitation, can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes. There’s a hawk swooping down eating the songbirds off of my bird feeder. Is there anything I can do?”

Me: “Well, not really. You can try moving the feeder near a bush where the songbirds can hide.”

Caller: “There are a lot of chipmunks where I live.”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Do you think I can put up a sign telling the hawk to eat the chipmunks instead of the songbirds?”

Me: “I don’t think that will work, sir. Hawks don’t read well.”

Caller: “Oh. I’ll try it anyway.”

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Serious Lack Of Lumber-standing

| | Right | January 15, 2010

(A woman comes into my shop to buy some skirting board for her house. After a good long while of her calling home to find out the measurements of what she needs, I give her the price.)

Customer: “How long will it take?”

Me: “About a week and a half. It has to be made specially in our factory.”

Customer: “Well, that’s no good. I have to collect the children from school in a hour!”

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Raceless Accusations

| | Right | January 4, 2010

(One of my bosses is talking to me about a group of legal Mexican workers on our job site.)

Boss: “Look at all them being lazy, taking our jobs.”

Me: “Actually, we’ve been here for a month and we’re two and a half weeks behind. They’ve been here a week and they’re close to being done.”

Boss: “Well, I’ll bet they’re all illegal.”

Me: “They had to show their green card to the job site supervisor over there. I asked their boss.”

Boss: “How’d you ask that him? I bet he can’t even speak English!”

Me: “Actually, all but two of them speak pretty good English. I think one of them was even born in America.”

Boss: “Well d*** it! Could you just let me hate them?!”

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The Trim Reaper

| | Right | December 23, 2009

Customer: “Are these real trees?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I mean, are they live trees?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “So, we just go cut them down, right?”

Me: “That’s right!”

Customer: “Will it still be a live tree after we cut it down?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but cutting the tree down does mean the tree will die. However, if you water it daily, it should survive until Christmas.”

Customer: “But you said those were live trees!”

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The Case Of The Choo-Choo Charlatans

| | Right | December 7, 2009

(I work as a photographer at a railroad station where people can dress up in old time clothes and sit in a prop made to look like a train.)

Customer: “Excuse me, does the train still function?”

Me: “Yes, if you go right outside you can buy tickets for the trains.”

Customer: “No, no. I meant that one.” *points to our fake train prop*

Me: “That’s just our background for the photos.”

Customer: “Yes, but does it still function? Can I ride it?”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s a prop. It’s fake.”

Customer: “But is it functional?”

Me: “No, it’s fake. It’s connected to the wall.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just dumb. I don’t know why you have it in here, then!”

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