Wearing Law Suits Will Get You Law Suits

| Austin, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

(My friends and I are on a mock trial team. We’re all about sixteen, and we have to wear suits to court, like a real trial. We were using a courtroom that no one was using for the day. During a recess, the doors burst open and a woman storms in.)

Woman: “I demand a lawyer!”

Us: “Uh…”

Woman: “You! You there!”

Me: “Who, me?”

Woman: “Yes! I want you to be my lawyer!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a real lawyer.”

Woman: “But you’re in a courtroom! People in courtrooms are lawyers. That’s why I came here to get one.”

Me: “We’re just using it because there’s no one here today. This is a mock trial.”

Woman: “But you’ve got a briefcase!”

Me: “Ma’am, that does have our case information in it, but it’s not a real case. This is mock trial. It simulates a trial. It’s supposed to be exactly like a real one, but…it’s…not.”

Woman: “You’re not a real lawyer? I’m going to sue you for false advertisement. I bet you haven’t even gone to law school!”

Me: “No, I haven’t. And that’s not exactly how suing someone works. I mean, would you sue Tom Cruise for playing a lawyer in A Few Good Men even though he’s not one?”

*pause*

Woman: “But…but you’re wearing a suit!”

A Funny Lark That’s Tough To Swallow

| North Carolina, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Raptor rehabilitation, can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes. There’s a hawk swooping down eating the songbirds off of my bird feeder. Is there anything I can do?”

Me: “Well, not really. You can try moving the feeder near a bush where the songbirds can hide.”

Caller: “There are a lot of chipmunks where I live.”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Do you think I can put up a sign telling the hawk to eat the chipmunks instead of the songbirds?”

Me: “I don’t think that will work, sir. Hawks don’t read well.”

Caller: “Oh. I’ll try it anyway.”

Serious Lack Of Lumber-standing

| Ireland | Uncategorized

(A woman comes into my shop to buy some skirting board for her house. After a good long while of her calling home to find out the measurements of what she needs, I give her the price.)

Customer: “How long will it take?”

Me: “About a week and a half. It has to be made specially in our factory.”

Customer: “Well, that’s no good. I have to collect the children from school in a hour!”